This morning, European time, I ventured out early to purchase a couple of things in readiness for my departure. It was a strangely unreal experience as I haven’t shopped during Christmas for many years….The last two years were spent in Afghanistan and other central Asian countries, I forgot what it would be like to walk amongst the throng of happy Santa’s and the annoying buzz of Christmas carols. I sat in the car park of a major toy store considering my first major step with this decision. It was a weird surreal moment walking to the front door, expecting to be confronted with smiling faces, happy and joyful kids, mum’s and dad’s in sweet harmony preparing to celebrate this ‘Joyous and Happy’ holiday.
Nothing could have been further than truth. I looked deeply, objectively noting body language, facial expression and vocal tone, partially because I was concerned someone would recognize my ruse in buying flasks of helium, but the other was to capture what I would be leaving behind. Well, The young and old, couples and singles, mums and dads that I witnessed, all looked as bloody miserable as I felt. There wasnt any joy, certainly no ‘peace on earth’…. Everyone I encountered looked pissed off and fed up.  I grabbed the items I needed, including a bag of balloons as a cover up in case someone recognized me….
I certainly feel a huge amount of relief now that I have accomplished the first step, but must admit the experience has placed me in a deep state of acute melancholy. I just arrived home, exhausted, troubled, an overwhelming sense of compassion for those poor miserable souls I met who must endure this awful superficial excuse of a holiday.
Signing off for now….Going to have a nap.
3 comments
You sound like an interesting guy… I know exactly what you mean about seeing people’s behaviour at Christmas. It’s an incredibly depressing time of year.
You’re from the UK right? Whereabouts? And were you in the army?
It’s a myth that people are happy and jolly around the Christmas holidays. I’m just happy to have some time home from work. Christmas has become way too commercialized and many people believe that giving crappy presents will make everyone happy. Happiness comes from within, not from what you’re getting for Christmas. It can be a very stressful time of year too, since there are lots of errands to run and if you’re planning a Christmas party, there are lots of preparations to make.
Please reconsider your helium bag plan. Maybe you could use the helium tanks to fill up the balloons you bought and give them out to children on Christmas. 🙂
Wally8
I don’t know why because as much as I want to take my own life, I really wish you would reconsider the idea. You seem like such an intelligent and insightful person. What would make you reconsider? There has to be something.