I can feel it again. It’s a constant dread that looms over me no matter what I do. I feel like the walls are closing in around me, cutting me off and leaving me alone. It is a blankness that destroys all the colour in life. All that is good is meaningless in a world this bleak.
I always fear that it’ll come back, and now I can really feel it. I HATE this feeling. I despise it. It sets in and I lose touch with everything: in the past I’ve abandoned friends, lost partners, failed a degree. I can’t concentrate on anything, even recreational things and I feel them slipping away from me. The worst bit? I don’t care. I don’t care how much it damages my social life or career prospects. I know that I should care about these things but I simply do not. I am 21 and I have never made long term plans as I do not care about my own future. I don’t want to have a future.
I don’t know what is wrong with me but I know the cure for all ailments.
I write this to ask for help. Talking to people on tinychat used to help, but that’s gone now. Talking to people on ****** used to help, but that’s not the same anymore. Is there somewhere I can go? Where are all the people gone?
7 comments
Hey… My name is Bruna and my english is bad 🙁 sorry for any mistakes…I think we are very similar… I’m 17 and I study fashion… but sometimes I just wanna end with life … I do not have dreams … This may soud stranger because I’m studying something that I like…my the true is: I only doing ….. I do not dream how is going to be in the future,…I dont have goals… I have “boyfriend” i do not know if I can call him in this way… I have some friends…but I can’t talk with them about this … I can’t talk with anyone about this… I know this feeling …. I just wanna someone that can understand my pain..my feelings … I do not know if you would like to share you pain with me… Maybe my “bad’ english will be a small problem x.x
Tarn where have you gone?!??! :'( I’ve missed you and have wondered what has happened to you. I had only thought the best has happened to you but I suppose I’m wrong. I’m sorry to hear your feeling this way. I understand how you feel, sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I feel like I can do this but then it all comes crashing down and I’m back to suffering just as much as I was the day before. I’m here if you want to talk , tarn. I’m always here
Kimmm! Thank you for replying. I’ve been away from this all for quite a while. I genuinely thought I’d managed to stay up, but apparently not just yet -_- I have no idea how to PM on here (if it’s at all possible)
That’s okay. I’m glad you were able to get yourself back up even if it was just for a moment . Hang in there and keep going. Email me if that’s easier hmeomm@yahoo.com 🙂
All that is bleak is meaningless in a world this good.
Perspective – you may not care for your long term future – but it’s prudent to plan for it – you know, just in case you have one … focus on the now … and the little things you enjoy and don’t let the world at large corrupt your enjoyment – reject the bleakness.
you’re only suffering if you’re thinking about the suffering – the world is full of hills and valleys without down there is no up – it’s unfortunate but you can push through it when you focus on one step forward at a time.
tour de dawg
What are you afraid of?
A focus on suffering creates suffering.
One of the ways we create what we fear is by focusing on it, even a focus on its absence.
If where always looking for it, even if what were looking for is its absences of it, is it no wonder we find it.
The mind holds onto that which we fixate on. Hating a feeling is like creating a vice grip that pins the feeling in place.
The best way to stop feeling this way is to feel it.
If you do, if you’re really honest about it, you will find that there is not much to the “feeling†and that the realities behind it have been dealt with so might as well move on, but more likely that it was all really just a illusion.