Hey Everyone.

Found this site on a random search. So sad to be here around Christmas. So sad to see so many posts like this around Christmas. It sounds like this is the place for me though. I recently lost my entire family in a pretty complicated and ‘hard to explain in a few sentences’ way. Living grief has destroyed me. While I don’t specifically want to die, I am done with my life. The pain of living each day has become overwhelming enough that while I recognize death will end all future possibility for joy and continuation of existence, it will put an end to this misery. I want that. I cannot deal with it anymore. So why am I here? Why don’t I just do it? Well, it’s a hell of a hard thing to contemplate. I’m a coward, so I want a painless method. There don’t seem to be too many guaranteed ways of doing that. And I suppose ultimately, there is still a tiny piece of me hanging on that some miraculous turn of events will occur to change my current circumstances. With each passing day though, it becomes more and more apparent that nothing available to or known by me is going to discover or spark such a chain of events. And the pain is unbearable. I would like to speak with someone who feels the same. It’s the one thing I haven’t tried. I have no idea how it will change my thoughts and feelings to do that. I have no preconceived notions about it. I don’t want to be talked away from the edge. Any mental health care professional would give their best shot at that for a nice hourly wage. I don’t want to be preached at. I am aware of the possible existence of a higher being, possible existence of an afterlife and possible existence of a set of unseen ‘otherworldly’ moral guidelines about the sanctity of human life that would make suicide at best a mistake and at worst a sin. I don’t particularly want to be encouraged either. I have enough self-encouragement given my current feelings. Having typed all this, I don’t really know what I want other than to talk to someone that isn’t going to tritely inform me that ‘life is worth it, you just can’t see that right now’ or ever use the word selfish. Also, with respect to everyone here, I don’t want to talk to anyone under the age of 21. I am in no fit state to likely give out any positive or constructive advice myself, and knowing how differently I think now than when I was a teenager, the thought of indirectly contributing to such a young person deciding to walk off the edge does not sit well with me. So I guess, if there is anyone here who could have written what I have written above about their current state, do you want to talk at all?

Aaron