I’m new here…

Okay, so this is a little unusual. It turns out I have tried to commit suicide twice and I haven’t told a soul. I guess it was a stupid thing to do, to be honest, the medication I took had a very, very small chance of killing me, well, the medication(s) I took were SSRI’s (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors – for those of you who are unclear), after doing a fair bit of reading upon suicide and methods I couldn’t find any foolproof methods that I could easily conduct (e.g. I can’t exactly get a gun, I do live in the UK after all!). Anyway, I’m drifting off topic, SSRI’s control the re uptake of serotonin, a neurotransmitter within your brain, however, upon researching suicide with SSRI’s I discovered a little thing called Serotonin Syndrome. Although the fatality rates are very low/non existent with SSRI’s, serotonin syndrome can be fatal. Alas, the first time I tried to commit suicide, I wasn’t as wise and decided to take 28 20mg fluoxetine tablets. This was almost totally ineffective, in fact I woke up in the morning feeling no different at all. After this I ruled out medication as a means of suicide. However, the second time I tried to commit suicide, it felt much more real, much more genuine, almost like the first failure (which I now view as a feeble attempt at best) taught me that I had to do much, much more if I wanted to succeed. This time I had been planning it for a while. As any other teen of the same age as me will know, A Levels are a very stressful period, however, I basically think that if I don’t get good grades or go to university, I’m a failure. Anyway, results day was fast approaching (7th of March 2013) and I had the plan that if my results were not satisfactory, I would attempt again. I require ABB to get into a decent university, before I received the results on the 7th, I was on BCD (not good). Low and behold, results day arrived, my results read CCDE bringing my overall grade(s) to BCC (still not good). So I came straight home from school and started drinking (vodka for those who are interested). I waited until everyone went to sleep so that there was no chance of me being disturbed. I finished half a large bottle of vodka and organised a fairly large set of medication. I gathered 28 20mg fluoxetine (I know, I should have learnt my lesson by now), 28 20mg escitalopram and around 14 zopiclone pills. After drinking half a bottle of vodka and taking 70 pills, I basically passed out on my bed praying not to wake up the next morning.

LOW AND BEHOLD I woke up, despite the fact that I woke up down the side of my bed around 17 hours later, I was still alive, however, unlike my first attempt I felt fucked, for around a week after this attempt I was constantly feeling ill, being sick, experiencing headaches etc.

So what to do now…

I’m still not happy, my grades are still bad (my mood is not allowing me to work well therefore it is a bit of a vicious cycle) and I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my life. University is almost totally out of the picture and I don’t know what else I will do if I don’t attend university. I can’t see any other methods that are as easy and subtle to execute, what to do?

Is it worth riding school out knowing that I won’t be going to university?

There is so much more detail that I could include in this, but hey, its 5:47am now on Sunday, and I have an absolute bucketload of coursework to do for Monday (which is going swimmingly by the way – sarcasm) so yeah… I guess I’ll just leave this here for y’all.

In a way, I feel wiser and almost more alive after this attempt, however, I still hate the world and myself, so I think it’s safe to say this is far from over.

OH  – for those who may suggest it, I have been to multiple therapy sessions, all of which were ineffective (including CBT), I have also been on numerous medications, which, surprise surprise, haven’t worked at all either.