I think the thing I realize most about getting closer to killing myself is the isolation. I struggle with feeling like no one cares – or notices – when I talk about it. So, as I get closer I stop talking. No one seems to care – or notice – that either.
The reality of suicide is that you’re alone in it. You will go alone and you have to be able accept that. Whether others care or notice doesn’t matter. No one can or will save you. Until you accept that, you’ll stay. When you accept that, you won’t try, you’ll do. It’s simple, I think.
Suicide is a decision. It’s final. It’s like nothing else I can think of in terms of it being something you can take back. Not if you mean it. Anything else is just… well, it’s just not well thought out and you shouldn’t “try” anyway. If you can’t “do” then call for help and save yourself the scars or other damages. Suicide isn’t something that should be done on impulse, either.
So, if you’re serious, choose your method wisely. Personally, I’m testing out hanging. I’ve been studying everything I can find and taking notes. I’ve finally worked up to testing ropes and rope placement. I’ve just about passed out a few times but I have a ways to go, I think. I have to be certain and get passed the human survival instinct. Practice, pratice.
I think the thing I realize most about getting closer to killing myself is the isolation. I come here just to say these things because in my other life I have stopped talking about it.  I come because it’s one place where I can without being judged. And, I appreciate that.
10 comments
i can’t say i’ve ever heard any viewpoint on life close to yours. you’re stance on the objective seems so sure. however if you really believe no one cares then why would you post this? If you didn’t actually care then you wouldn’t be posting this because the fact that you did means that there is a small light of hope in you. isolation is what drives us humans crazy, especially me. all you need to do is look for the nice people in life who have the courtesy to care no matter what. someone like me.
It is entirely possible that killing yourself isn’t final. Would you still kill yourself if you found out for certain that you would just start life over and everything would be exactly the same ad infinitum until you saw it through peacefully until the end?
I understand the loneliness and isolation. I have that same issue, so I got a service job where I’m surrounded by people I like all day, when I come home, the alone time is a blessing. And you always have people on the web. It’s a huge world and sometimes it takes time to find people who share your passion.
I haven’t found my group exactly yet either, but in the process, I’ve made tonnes of very good friends.
If you have something you enjoy doing, try joining a club that focuses on that, it will at least occupy your mind in the meantime. It isn’t easy, you have every right and reason to feel the way you do, in fact it just means you’re paying attention. So many people feel the same way.
I would suggest working to change the things that bug you most about the world, be it poverty, bigotry, apathy, hunger, etc. Start small. In your life, there are probably things that drive you nuts, pick them apart into their components and address them one at a time, then start volunteering to help in your community.
I really like your post. I feel like few people have logically planned out thoughts when thinking about suicide. Often, it’s mostly just a rush of emotion, pain, depression and a poorly laid out plan, probably with a small hope for rescue. I get it, I’ve been there. I’ve been in a place where I’ve thought, “I just want to swallow pills with alcohol and never wake up!” I get it….I’m not a completely insensitive monster. But that type of suicidal thinking, I feel, is very different than a true intent to die, with the knowledge that it is final, and that life does not exist in a vacuum and it takes a lot of preparation and energy to work things out. Having previously been in that “I just want to die” phase to my current state of a serious attempt coming up, I think it’s a different world.
I realize people probably hate me for saying that. It’s not that I don’t understand the pain–I do. Depression is a sucking hole that eats at the spirit no matter how serious one is about dying.
Anyway, I feel like I am in a similar boat with you. I believe in a well thought-out, researched, coordinated and objective approach to suicide. I think this is necessary to 1) ensure I actually die and 2) minimize the negative effects that I am very, very sorry to cause. the Interestingly, I feel like the planning part is “fun” in the sense that I get to mold and tweak my method based on evidence, reading articles, and coming here to read about what went wrong so that I do not repeat the mistake.
I think it is very hard to reach out for help. Like you said, nobody really wants to be on the receiving end of someone asking them for help because they plan to die. It’s a heavy topic and in a society where there is emphasis on being happy and optimistic. It is hard. It is very, very hard. I hope you find that this is a safe place for you to vent. For what it’s worth, I care.
@totallyagree “I would suggest working to change the things that bug you most about the world, be it poverty, bigotry, apathy, hunger, etc. Start small. In your life, there are probably things that drive you nuts, pick them apart into their components and address them one at a time, then start volunteering to help in your community.”
I don’t get it. When did the OP say anything about something the world bugging her? Not everyone who commits suicide is angry at people or the world. I know I’m not. I harbor no hard feelings toward anyone, and I think the world is full of wonderful, beautifully driven people. I see a lot of hope and wonder. I volunteer at a women’s shelter. In the past, I was an ABA therapist, I volunteered a children’s hospital, a nursing home, and various other places. I work a job where I am well-connected with community agencies, with a close connection with schools. It’s great, I love it.
That’s not the point. The point is that depression cripples you. You’re unable to feel, to love appropriately and for me, enjoy something as simple as watch a TV show. It makes small tasks like paying bills feel like climbing a mountain. It makes you see everything about yourself in a negative way. I hate myself and have for a long time. It truly feels like no matter how much I do, I just find ways and reasons to hate myself.
I also have an addiction that robs up to 8 hours of my day. My days consist of work and this addiction, suicide websites and sleep. There is little in-between. I have not been able to overcome this crippling illness and it is time for me to go. I am barely functioning at my job and I feel terrible that they hired me. I like it, but no longer have the energy to keep going.
I really have a problem with people telling depressed people to just jam-pack their life with things. Yes, at times, it is helpful. But I also believe that for some people (myself included) the biochemistry is often ignored. I have been an emotional mess for a long time.
HappinessComesAndGoes: I posted this because I said: “I come here just to say these things because in my other life I have stopped talking about it.” And, I NEVER said I didn’t care. I said those around me don’t and that I accept that. I understand that. It’s okay with me.
I post here because it’s private in the sense that no one knows me. I post here because I appreciate the fact that I can without being judged.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not asking anyone to care. I am passed that and am in a different place than you think I am.
I appreciate your concern but it’s really not needed. Thanks.
glass_music_cup: Yep. I think you get it. Thank you. And, yes, I agree that there are some awesome people in the world. I have some great friends, too. But I have a very long history and I’m not going to whine about it. I’m passed all that, too. My entire post is about making a decision – to die. That’s it. It’s not about poor me or how my life sucks, blah, blah.
totallyagree, on the other hand, makes me just shake my head. What if I find out that I would just start life over and everything would be exactly the same? Seriously???
But again, thanks for the concern.
Yes @dawgmom, that’s how it feels. I think that’s why I find it difficult to be a useful person here. A lot of people seem to come here for advice, ways to improve and handle life and I find it hard to relate because I am ready to go…I never wanted to be in this kind of situation. I too, have a long history with childhood, relationships, etc. but I don’t dwell on it much now and don’t see it as something worth mentioning since I’m not really looking for affection or understanding on that end. I am however scared of being alone as i process my current state of mind. It is very lonely. I am here to listen as long as your like. I understand the defending silence.
glass_music_cup: I don’t mind alone that much. I’ve been alone for a very long time. I’m 50, and so mostly, I think, I’m tired. And, I get it – life, I mean – and death. I get it now better than I did when I was 17 and just “tried” to kill myself… without thought or planning because I had hope. As I got older, I lost little bits of hope along the way. So, now I see everything so much differently. And, I’m learning to accept it – all of it.
Thanks again and take care. Peace to you and any decision you make.
I agree, most don’t think about the finality of it. They want their pain to end, they want so-and-so to be sorry for how they treated them… but once you do it, that’s IT. You’re gone. Done. No going back. I don’t get the people who want a partner, either. It SHOULD be done alone. It’s too personal of a thing. Maybe that’s just me being my solitary self.
I was the emotion-driven type (“I can’t stand this pain anymore”), then the intellectualized type (“it doesn’t make sense that I keep living/I’m not really in the world”)… not sure what I am now that I’m just waiting. I can see both sides of it. I’ve acknowledged that my circumstances won’t allow me to go as soon as I wanted to, so I must wait, and while waiting, maybe something will happen to make me want to give up the idea altogether. Probably wishful thinking, if not actual hope.
I can no longer wish for anyone to do it, even if they want to… even if it makes me a hypocrite. So I hope something happens to change your mind about life. *hugs even if you don’t want them*
People don’t realise how exhausting it is. Living like this,the guilt of other people wanting to live and me wanting to throw mine away…
The feeling of loneliness,sadness,pain,grief,weighing you down every single day from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to that blissfull state that is sleep…
i just want to sleep forever,because I’m so f****n tired.