Over the years I have known several people that have successfully ended their lives.  None of them have been true friends but just people in my life that I have known.  The most recent is a man , for the most part well respected in the community, very generous with his time, great with kids, a professional and a very active member of the church.  I was one of the few that knew he was dealing with manic depression.  (Isn’t it odd that we can pick them out immediately, almost like they had  a scarlet letter around their neck but only visible to us, the depressed ones).  He shot himself in his truck about 2 years ago.  The community was shocked and deeply troubled but I was just haunted.  I found the site and went there several times.  I would sit there for hours and think about how it could be me.  I was almost a little jealous.  I never thought he had the fortitude and strength to go through with it. My daughter and I went to the wake but had to leave as the line to get in was over 3 hours. Thousands of people showed up to pay their respects to the family.  But Just one year later, no one remembers.  No one talks about him.  His charities are gone, the business is sold, the name has changed.  It is as though he never existed.
If I died, I know I would be forgotten even faster. Â And unlike this man, I have no friends. Â Other than my immediate family, I cannot think of an individual who would attend my funeral. Â But then on the other hand I feel the need to be remembered. Â It makes no sense.
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Isn’t that the truth? That always baffles me. I too, can honestly say I do not have a friend in the world (entirely my fault) yet I wonder what turnout a funeral would yield. I think most attend funerals because they want or need to feel something these days. They want to show compassion that clearly they don’t live day to day with as he probably wouldn’t have taken his own life if they did. Everyone is so emotionally detatched these days. Hurts too much to care. And most of us struggle so much to help ourselves that there is seldom anything left over to help others. You made me think though. I believe I am more concerned with “how” I will be remember than “if” I am remembered. Especially with suicide. To me it’s a very positive, happy option and I want everyone who stands in the funeral line to know that I had to be in a happy place in my mind to make the decision to begin with. I fear it’s more likely they will feel pity and that I shamelessly took the easy way out. Either way, there is not doubt in my mind that I will be long forgotten shortly after. Society as a whole dismissed the values of remembering and legacy a long time ago. No one is anybody these days and with so little appreciation for the living it’s unlikely our lives will hold any value regardless of how we travel the path of death.
Wow. Lot to consider.
It is natural for humans to desire immortality even in death. Being remembered is to be immortal. All humans try to be immortal but few succeed. Not everyone is made a Washington, Einstein or Shakespeare.
Are we not a grain of sand on beach? When one goes to the beach, all that one sees is its beauty and the several prominent and outstanding stones or seashells that adores it but hardly anyone will notice the individual grains of sand. We all aspire to be the stones or seashells but not all succeed.
If i am but a grain of sands on a beach of immense beauty, i have no complaints since i contribute, no matter how minutely to the overall glamor. Sadly, oil spills and decaying carcasses are the only attractions of our beach.