More than anything in this world I want to change who I am. I try everything I have in the effort I have accessible. The gym twice a day, the weekly psychiatric appointments, the medications as prescribed, it’s doesn’t fix a thing. Despite my efforts I’m left with simple advice; “everything happens for a reason.” Tell me what the reason is in a constantly suicidal young adult with no aspirations to make anything out of the future. I have aspirations, I have ideals that I believe to be real yet I have a giant void between where I am and where I want to be that no matter what I try or who I see, I never get a clear answer on how to fill the gap and I’m tired of it. This is my second post in three days and I understand that this is simple venting but for fucks sake how much time and money do I have to waste before I get a clear response. Is ten years of psychiatric evaluation not enough to get one single answer? My life is an utter of the same question over and over again on a clockwork tablet and I’ve grown old of posting the same question over and over again. There has to be answer to every life, no matter the variables and circumstances that pose a difficulty in every question and I don’t find my circumstances to be that much different then every other case. I don’t believe in myself and I take too much to heart yet this is who i want to be; how do I get there? Honestly how do I get help when all the input I get is another new medications and the responses of ” I understand” and “How does that make you feel” or “Can you go deeper into that topic for me” from a ‘qualified’ individual’ seem to be all I get. Believe me, I think about every last word more then enough, more than is for my own good to be honest. At some point there has to be guidance, at some point there has to be an individual that can make me open my mind and see it from the perspective I should have been seeing it from all along. I’m not dumb, I’m not inarticulate, I’m just as sophisticated as the next person but for fucks sake can I please just get an a clear proposition for once. I, just like every human being, can see wrong from right, but there is guidance process that is needed to get to right consistently and no matter where I seek help it’s always “Well you know yourself so well.” If i knew myself so well then I’d know the steps it takes to live a good life. This is simple venting, I know, but for fucks sake at some point there has to be answers (and believe me I know it’s a plural) that can be given to me at some point. I’m sick and fucking tired of a shallow and pedantic lifestyle and I need answer on how to add solutions into my reality. There has to be an answer out there and I’m trying to find it, I really I am and even though this may not be the place to find it, it at least helps to put it out there.
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4 comments
Try re-wiring your brain lol.
‘..get to right consistently..’
That sent chills into me. From everything I’ve read here, there doesn’t seem to be. You either live with the void/gap till you can’t or cover the surface with what’s new till something newer comes along. I’ve searched long and hard for the answers but there is no absolute or clear message. It’s what you make of it. Maybe you’ll find your guidance when somebody asks you for the answers.
Here are some cookie-cutters: keep moving forward, i hope you dance, and effect the change you want to see.
kdub-I is in the same boat. It’s painful no doubt. Within the void filled nonsense, I’ve accepted a good part of it and I don’t fight it. Cause I find by doing nothing, I only have 1 problem….the way I feel, not getting any where, numb…etc…I asked myself how are efforts working? They’re not. So I do what I can and I don’t judge myself…that’s probably the biggest thing we need to learn is to not judge our experience – and believe me it takes work. I ‘m a trained singer with a lot of strange physical crap going on…but even though I don’t feel like it…I show up at karaoke and I do my thing…and I’m awesome. Just because life isn’t wowing you, and it’s not wowing me by any stretch doesn’t mean that just by being…you’re awesome…I’m not trying to make you feel better…..it’s the truth bud. The path is the way…doing what you’re doing…you either choose to continue with it or not…it’s a choice. Cheers!
“everything happens for a reason”…my best friend passed away when i was a kid and everyone said the same thing. that everything happens for a reason. what was the reason a 13 year old girl had to die from cancer that she had fought for 6 years? maybe for me to value life. she fought so hard those six years…why? to live another day with scars from surgery, and needles poking her day after day? i dont know. i tried to ignore it. we tried to pretend everything was normal. she was the strongest person i have ever seen and she was 13. 10 years later i am studying oncology. i am trying to make a difference. i went to observe a hospital adn i met a man who had had cancer 6 years earlier, when his daughter was born. he had been infected since the day of his transplant 6 years earlier and had not been able to move since. his wife had left him. he had never been able to play with his kid. he couldnt get out of bed. he was in so much pain he was on morphine, lots of it all of the time. no one knew if he was going to get better. the doctor asked him if he wanted to go home and end it all. yet even with all of his pain, and hurt he couldnt. he couldnt even die in peace. i dotn know why bad things happen to good people, but i hope these help you think about others strength and that can help motivate you. doctors dont always know what they are talking about…people always say eveyrhting happens for a reason, adn 10 years later im hopeing i can make a difference and do something to make what happened to my friend make sence. what i have learned from everyhting though is to try to enjoy the little things. a blue sky, a cool breeze. from my friend i have learned how much we take for granted, and if you can even just think about smiling about one of those things, walking, seeing, hearing, touching, moving, talking, blinking, being outside, being free…then maybe one day youll let yourself smile and build confidence. i wish yout eh best of luck.