is how I’ve come to view myself this past year. I’ve been so duped and unloved my whole life I’ll fall for anything that leads me to believe someone cares about me. It’s how I got where I am now. My only “friend” is a bipolar sloth who lives in his own depressing filth and thinks the world is centered around his problems. It makes me feel useful to be there for him and give a shit. Don’t get me wrong, I did truly give a shit. I sat through endless whining sessions of his petty ass problems and tried not to judge. “I wanted a nintendo DS so I asked my mom for my disability money early and now I only have $150 a week for groceries this month. I guess she wants me to starve!”
when I don’t even have central cooling, or a smartphone, or whatever a DS is, or even a home computer – and $150 on groceries lasts me a whole month. It has to. I’m poor as fuck. That’s another thing. Why should I live my life in pursuit of dollars? I don’t want to live if it means slaving away at mindless jobs and I don’t have any opportunities to dream higher. I have to constantly think about how I’m going to pay for gas to get to my shitty job so I can eat a little bit that week. My bills are consuming me and I’m only twenty. My nihilism stemming from capitalist culture is consuming me.
I let boys consume me. I fall for their charms, they listen to me talk. They talk to me. They act interested in what I care about and what I like. They do little nice things for me. They fuck me. Then they pretend I don’t exist. They can enter my body with theirs and look me in the eye and then an hour later it means nothing. All the days before, they never guarantee you a day after. All I’ve learned is that I’m not loveable. I’m just pretty, I’m sexy, I’ve got a big ass that they’d love to see from the back with their dick in me. Slam my face into the bed and grip my hips and push themselves into me. But no man will graphically describe his love for me. It never has existed and never will.
My parents don’t love me. This is short and sweet. I’m the problem kid in a sea of 6 kids to my dad, who didn’t even acknowlege my graduation or birthdays since he moved. (but took my sister on shopping sprees) My mom has told me she wishes she never had me, and her actions confirm that.
Love or money. You have to choose one, right? I have neither. I never will have either. I’ll never have enough money to distract myself from the fact that I’ll never be loved (by my parents, by friends, by lovers). Everyone will always take take and take from me and I will always be willing to give it all away – it’s worthless to me, anyway. I just want to die. Easily, and painlessly, and not messy. God forbid my “loved ones” here on Earth will have MORE SHIT to complain about when it comes to me. “Phoenix left such a mess when she went, you think she could have chosen pills instead of a shotgun. So selfish – not thinking about us!”
12 comments
Pretty epic rant. I enjoyed your gusto.
On another note, I’m sorry. That must feel really horrible.
I know what it’s like to be used like that. It stings like a *****.
I’m really sorry about all of it.
Keep your head up. Life is full of new beginnings, fresh starts, and new opportunities.
Gusto is probably the only thing I do have.
Thanks for the comments. noonoo, does it ever change? I’m afraid that it’s me. That my judgement sucks when it comes to people? Each time I am burnt I am determined to protect myself even more vigilantly but I seem to keep winding up in the same place regardless.
@phoe
For me it hasn’t changed. I’m still the same crappy judge of character, but I’m pretty sure it’s not you, but the situation and environment you’re in.
If I’m honest, I think it’s because you think your family doesn’t love you, and that you find that you can do something right with these men to make up for the love you haven’t been receiving from your family.
But what do I know, right?
Maybe it’s that. I’m not sure. I don’t have any clear idea of where it stems and that’s what frustrates me. I know to some degree my parents care, but I feel invisible to them. Only when I fuck up do I stand out. When I’m feeling sane I know that I am a worthwhile person and I have no self-esteem issues. Sometimes though, I feel like I get used by people around me and I wonder why I’m so stupid to let it happen, why I’m so easily tricked. I’m not promiscuous and I don’t sleep around with random people. The past few times I’ve felt used sexually was by people who had known me for over a year (most recent guy has been my friend for five). I feel so disrespected and cast aside like those years of friendship were just ploys to use me. I’m some trophy to acquire and no one cares to know the real me no matter what I do. So I’m left wondering what’s so wrong with me?
I also have impulse control problems, might have some mental issue I don’t want to get diagnosed.
@phoe
So you obviously fuck up so that they give you the attention that you want so bad.
It’s good that you have moments when you see few issues within yourself, but even when you aren’t “sane” you’re not stupid. Just easily trusting. Or you have body issues that are gratified when you have sex with these people.
Those people you’ve slept with recently wouldn’t wait 5 years to do so. There was probably genuine attraction there. Both to your personality and your body.
You had the option to say no. “No, I don’t want to have sex with you,”. Unless they were raping you, in which case I’m sorry. I think you let it happen, so you’d feel like a fuck up. And so you’d get the attention from your family. I think we all do stuff like that. I purposely fuck up in school for a chance for my parents to actually have a real conversation with me. Not that it works very well.
There is nothing wrong with you. I think you just rely a little too heavily on the attention of your parents. You need to learn to just focus on you. If they don’t want to give you the attention, find it elsewhere. Like in a meaningful relationship or even within a pet. Good luck.
Woah, some assumptions there which are understandable as there’s no reason for me to really add details to the situation. My family doesn’t really speak to me, and I don’t reach out to them. It’s a mutual apathy at this point. They don’t know anything about anything I do, to be honest. I did want to have sex with him. and I don’t consider it fucking up. I was expressing myself honestly; I have liked him for years and he’s expressed attraction in the past as well. It was fully consensual, but there are other details that made it seem like more than it really was…that confuse me. For example, spending time with me even when I had a stomache virus. Hanging out and smoking and catching up after years of not talking. And yes, we had sex. But then one day he just stopped talking to me. So it throws me for a loop where I can’t trust anyone’s intentions, and makes me feel like everything anyone has ever done that I thought was out of love, was just to get something from me, and that I am not truly likeable. On top of that, I don’t have a lot of friends in general, and I wonder if everyone in the world is just ruthless and selfish, and maybe no one really loves anyone, and this thought makes me feel like life isn’t worth living.
@phoe
So why do you want their attention if you don’t speak?
That’s weird of him to do. But I doubt it’s anything to do with you. He probably had shit going on or something.
He wouldn’t have spent time with you if you weren’t likable.
There are lots of selfish people in the world. But not all of them are.
Those are the people you want to try to spend time with.
“Love or money. You have to choose one, right? I have neither.”
Both require illusions which are incompatible with nihilism.
Look at it this way: at least you are useful to some, and in the most pleasurable way possible. Being “used” is way better than being perpetually refused, utterly disregarded, and shunned.
You’re right though, pretty much everyone will say or do whatever they think will get them what they want. But is that really wrong? Why go through life refusing to get what you want, just because the method of attainment is imperfect? There’s a reason behind the coining of the phrase “whatever it takes.”
People throw around the term “selfish,” as if we’re all supposed to be selfless… as if we’re all supposed to be eternally altruistic. But, who, other than yourself, is going to make sure you get what you want out of life? Who is going to take care of your own wants and needs, if not You?
The only men who would ever “graphically describe their love for you,” would be English obsessives, linguists, wordy, nerdy, poetic, sensitive, possibly hipster types. Those are the only ones capable of even approaching sufficient verbalization of something so profound as True Love. All the “real men” are busy rabidly pursuing wealth and conquest, or slaving away for dollars. I don’t think “graphic description” is a reasonable expectation or requirement to maintain.
Also, you’re right: no one will ever understand you. No one else can walk in your shoes, or wear your skin (figuratively!). Words cannot properly convey a sufficient articulation of the truth and depth of one person’s experience of the human condition, to another, across the translation barrier. It just doesn’t work. The best you can hope for is to naturally behave in ways that contribute to this hypothetical person’s natural preference for you over others, and their willingness to stick by you through bad times.
You seem capable of realistic perception, are likely fairly intelligent, and describe yourself as “sexy.” And yet… you only seem to find yourself feeling “used” and deceived.
It’s because you’re not quite nihilist yet. You still believe in something that perhaps “should be,” but all you seem to see is evidence that it just isn’t.
I agree: “things” are certainly not as they “should be.” I doubt they ever will be. It seems implausible at best.
We get the world we get. Yours already sounds better than mine. I think you should keep rolling the dice as many times as life will let you, until you can’t.
I think the phrase “stop and smell the roses” is not actually advise, as many seem to think it is, but is rather a warning; i think it means if you don’t keep moving, you become plant-food. Keep moving, or die. Kinda like sharks. Life is harsh like that.
An to that ^ I say “it is what it is, take it for what it’s worth”
@forsaken1
I would like to talk to you if I may. How can I reach you?