Wandering around in life, but I’ve had enough

I hate living, every part of it. Every time I feel like I have a glimmer of hope, I work towards it, I behave my best, I hold back every negative emotion, I please others sacrifice my own comfort and dignity and pride, but it always comes crashing back down on me as if it never existed, as if I was completely wrong, like I deserved it, like hell was destined for me on this earth.

I keep wandering around, trying to do stuff that will help me, that will keep me going or even something that would be of help to future me but I’ve had enough. I’ve had more than enough.

Why does it always happen to me? Why can’t I just be happy for more than a day? Why do I keep thinking of everything? My horrible past doesn’t even bother me anymore, it doesn’t hurt me anymore. The only thing that bothers my soul is the fact I keep living. I don’t want to but I’m so scared. Fear is the only thing keeping me alive, yet also the only thing that is keeping me in one spot.

I’m tired, I’m so tired.