I am lost in my false reality. Ever sense the love of my life left me I don’t know what to do with myself. He told me he needed time to get his life together and I said I would wait. But the longer I wait the harder it gets. I didn’t want people to know how hurt I was so I tell them we are engaged and will elope next year. If they ask where he is i say away on business. I thought letting myself live in this dream would make me feel better but it just makes me more depressed. I don’t want to live without him, and I’d rather end my life than see him with someone else. I need help to learn how to be more patient while I wait. On my worst days I write suicide notes to him; on my best I write my vows. Everyone says as time goes on it will be easier and I will move on. But I don’t want anyone else to devote my love to. I don’t want him to know I self-harm so I traded in my razor blade for a tattoo needle, but that’s creating problems between me and my mom. Does anyone out there know another way I can feel the pain without having to hide it. Please help…
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I don’t know. I think it is WAY easier to deal with physical pain than emotional pain so we hurt ourselves to push away what goes on inside. I guess if you really wanted to hurt, you’d just look at the mess your life is and really rip out all of the emotional walls you’ve built and let the reality of the situation sink in. But you don’t really want to hurt so you make tiny cuts which are immediate and not lasting as a way to experience the catharsis you’ll never have emotionally since that pain doesn’t ever stop really. There is always something else to make you sad. It sucks the life out of you. But you can fill that void with beauty. Like flowers. I don’t know I’m really trying to be positive here. But life sucks sometimes and that’s just the truth of it. It’s good too, but it also sucks.
I’ve been through this many times. I can promise you that the tattoos and other scars will only make others think less of you, maybe even the next guy that comes along who might accidently want to steal your heart.
I know exactly how you feel. You don’t even want to consider being with someone else, even the idea, breaks your heart. Your heart and mind are set on that one person and you can’t get away from that thought and feeling.
Well, here’s the bad news, you gave your love to the wrong person. If they were the right person, they’d be with you now and loving you as much as you would like to love them. Right? Do you really want to love someone who doesn’t love you back? Do you want to love someone who doesn’t love as deeply and in the warm ways you try to? No. So as much as it hurts you should realize he is not the right person for your kind of love. In fact, one day, you will understand what I am saying and thank all your lucky stars that you did not stay with this person. With a little time and distance and self-healing on the inside, you’ll know too that he was the wrong person and you’ll be glad you didn’t waste your love, years and tears on someone who wouldn’t appreciate you.
Now, here’s the worse news, if you allow yourself to hurt one day or minute longer than you need to, you risk letting depression and sadness become a part of you, and that will make it even harder for someone nice to walk into your life. So as much as it hurts and is difficult, YOU MUST, pick up your heart, treat it gently and mend it so someone much better for you than he was might see the beauty in you. 🙂
And one more note…cutting or tattoos don’t take away the pain. It’s pointless and again, only makes you less than you could be. The truth is that those things, and the short term pain from them, only takes your mind off the broken heart for a short period of time. It doesn’t change the situation, only makes it worse. And you can take your mind off the situation by doing any number of other things which won’t cause you problems later, play a video game, read a book, read 10 books…do what ever you need to keep your mind off the guy and the hurt. Take control of your emotions and more importantly, your mind, and you will eventually get through this and give yourself a great opportunity to find something turly wonderful!
Good luck my friend! 🙂