I feel dead

im tired of life. theres nothing anymore and everything means nothing more and more everyday. im losing more and more all the time. i dont care about anything. nothing means anything to me and there is nothing i want and no where in the world i want to live. i cant talk to people in the real world and have no friends. a couple days ago the closest friend i have (a guy i met online) attacked me at his house out in the woods and i thought for sure i would die. i had to mace him and run and hide in the woods until the police could find me. so now i feel more like ive lost everything. i cant be around family because i need to play “okay” for their own good. i cant be around TVs cause they are trying to put thoughts in my mind so i cant pass the time with that even. and theres other things i wont bother to mention. i get bothered about it now. told to go back to the doctor and take medicine for the schizophrenia that i took medicine for since i was a kid but i cant do that anymore. ive learned to many important messages now anyway that medicine could never erase. because im changed now and i see the truth and that is that the world is pointless. I have no where to live and i dont feel like being anywhere. Have to move every couple months anyway so no one gets to know me. I dont exactly wanna die. I dont wanna die but i feel dead and i discovered there is no meaning in life and no point. theres not even a point to brushing your teeth (unless to stop them from hurting). im just empty now and more empty everyday. and i cant decide where to go and where to live or how to live (homeless in a van or a hotel with no money). i just wanna lay down and give up. but after the fear i felt when i thought i wouldnt make it out of the woods i cant think of dying. i can only think of “being invisable”, “disappearing”. Im tired of this world and hate it but im also scared for my life most of the time. Its confusing….

*and if anyone knows who i am please keep it secret for my own safety