Sometimes I physically cannot talk, I build up words into something huge in my mind and I try to speak but just can’t at times. This usually happens when someone higher up in the social hierarchy of my school greets me, just a simple ‘hello’ pulls me into this panic and I try to reply and I open my mouth and I feel myself sweating and no sound comes out at all, even though the ‘hi’ is on the tip of my tongue and I know that it won’t matter in just a short while. It scares me because it’s rude not to smile and reply when people are friendly but I just can’t. It really scares me.
What’s weird and ironic is that the whole inability to speak at times thing has stemmed from me actually starting to get to know new people who I’d never have expected to speak to in my life just casually in classes. Paradoxically, I can talk and laugh and joke like normal and actually be myself when I am put into groups with said people, but it’s when I’m expected to just simply say ‘hi’ and move on that I can’t cope. It’s so weird and I don’t understand why I can’t just smile and make small talk and move on like a normal person.
I also physically cannot talk about my feelings, especially not the troubles I’ve had with myself and wanting to kill myself. I’ve sort of tried before, but without even thinking I just change the subject. And if anyone tries to open up to me about anything real I have to change the subject because I’m terrified of saying the wrong thing or of inadvertently revealing myself. I imagine in doing that I come across as the horrible person I try to show myself off to be. It’s just that I’d much rather people thought I was horrible than know how broken I have been and still sort of am. I just live in fear of someone someday knowing me. That scares me more than anything, I can’t be known and I can’t cope with the thought of anyone knowing me. If anyone truly knew me they’d truly hate me and I know it makes no sense but I’d rather people knew the false me they think they hate, not the real me they are bound to hate.
I just think too much like this and end up in this downward spiral where the only solution I can properly think of is just ending it all early before my fears have a chance to come true. I don’t want to kill myself but I also don’t want to carry on thinking like this. It’s just times like this that I’ve had enough. I’ve seriously had enough of this and I really hate the summer because it just gives me endless time to think and be on my own which I love and hate but more often than not I hate.