Smile

Hi I’m a 15-year-old girl and was very suicidal nearly the whole last year but I got over it and I want to tell my story to help those people who feel like I did some time ago.

It all started at primary school with some guys in my class bullying me. The bullying went on for almost 10 years in every class and school I went to because some of that bullies always where in the same class. Over that long time I became very insecure and also depressed. Depression really started when I was 12 or 13 and I started cutting and burning myself when I was 14. But suicidal thoughts came earlier than self-harming. They where one of the first things make me notice that I’m really depressed. It was in easter holidays when I first hold a knife in my hand considering to kill myself. This thoughts accompanied me for the next months till I couldn’t cope it anymore and started hurting myself. Acctually it wasn’t really the first time I hurt myself (when I was in primary school I sometimes bit my lip or finger, pulled out my hair or knocked my head against a wall to deal with the mental pain the bullying caused) but it was the first time I saw my own blood when I hurt myself and the first time I did it totally on purpose. In this time I wasn’t able to walk to school (though bullying has stoped 3 or 4 months ago) or meet with the few friends I had without thinking about suicide. I couldn’t look at trains, knifes, scissors, bridges and so on with out wanting to hurt or kill myself. My friends knew about it and once I send a suicide note to them. Well, they wanted to help me and I really am thankful for that but that wasn’t the point that saved me nor the psychotherapist I went to since April 2014.

It was two other points that changed my life completely even though they don’t seems very powerful on first sight:

First thing is not a thing but a person namely my little brother. He’s 11-years-old and I really like him because he’s so similar and close to me, I can talk about everything with him. He’s very sensitive and insecure sometimes and I feared that he would be very depressed about my suicide. He was the only person I really felt close to during my depression, the most other people I liked but not felt close to because I felt so numb.

Second thing was that bullying has stopped months before. Acctually there was no good reason for me to be depressed anymore. Anyway I WAS depressed but some day in December or January I suddenly kind of woke up from the nightmare I was in for years. I realized my live wasn’t as bad as I thought and that both the scars on my skin and the ones one my soul were nearly healed and that I wasn’t that numb anymore. So I decided to help others who suffer the way I did and that gives me the strength to live on.

So now I’m happy even though I did not have a proper childhood which results in me behaving and feeling like a child most of the time. But I overcame my bullying trauma, my depressions and suicidal thoughts and got the chance to start a new life.

Acctually in the vast majority of cases suicide is preventable. If  you feel like killing yourself please first stop for a moment. Say yourself you could also wait for three or more days until you are going to commit suicide. Most suicides are commited in impulse. So if you wait some days you may still not feel good but you maybe wouldn’t make the same decision again. Many people who tried to kill thereselves but didn’t succeed regret their suicide attempt.

Now try to think about something good and if that isn’t possible for you in that moment try at least to find some things that aren’t bad. Search for something you would possibly miss when you’re dead or someone who means much to you and you think wouldn’t be able to manage your death. And trust me these things and people exist, for you as well as for me and for every person on this world. Even if you don’t see them NOW, thay ARE there and one day you will be able to see them, one day you’ll be able to smile and be happy again. But if you leave now, you will never be able to experience that WONDERFUL day. Wouldn’t that be very sad? So don’t take away this great chance of a better life by a hasty action. Think well, I’m sure you CAN find something good in life if you search close enough. And let me tell you another thing you should NEVER EVER forget: YOU, yes you, I mean you sitting there with sad eyes on the edge with no hope anymore, YOU, my friend, YOU ARE WORTH LIVING!!! There is always a reason to keep on walking and fighting and searching. And YOU are able to find it and in any case you’re worth it because YOU’RE PRECIOUS AND IRREPLACEABLE, YOU’RE UNIQUE AND WONDERFUL AND IMPORTANT.

And now allow yourself a SMILE and make yourself a nice day. Do something you like and don’t worry. I guarantee EVERYTHING WILL BE OK ONE DAY. 🙂