simply..my life

Hey there… i am teenage girl that has been having depression for over a year now..

I always have family problems and specially this year it has gotten worse i try to ignore the screams as much as i can but in the end it really gets to me.. I don’t really think i have real friends around me i just feel that i am in the background and they don’t appreciate  the things i do to them and they forgot my birthday and didn’t even get me a small gift while  for their birthday’s i plan everything and get to surprise them with cake and presents but when it comes to me it seems like i am not as important as i thought i would be.. whenever i used to go out with my friends one would ditch and go out with her boyfriend and me and the other girl would just be there waiting for her to be done.. and they are always so close or they all know something and i would be the last one to know.. i have moved a couple of times (schools) cause i was always bullied and i would come home crying that i have no friends..because of how depressed i am i gained about 10 kg this year and i feel that i cant take it off or loose it.

I wouldn’t say i have that bad of a childhood but some parts just keeps on repeating itself..i have never met both of my grandfathers they passed away before i met them..i have no memory of them unfortunately..when i was kid i use to hang out with my cousins and then their mum would get me in room and hit me i use to not tell anyone about that until one day my mother noticed the scars and ever since i lost connections with my cousins..also when i was a kid i use to enter those shops and then come call my dad so he can buy something i liked for me and one day i was trying to pick something until the guy that works there grabbed me and harassed me and i never went back again…

I used to be in love with this guy for 3 years and he kept on rejecting me and rejecting me and i didn’t understand why wouldn’t he give me a chance and see if it will work between us or not until i knew he was in love with my best friend and we had the biggest fights and i lost her..after a few months she realized he is no good for her and came back to me..

to be honest , whenever i feel depressed or there is something bothering me i dont tell anyone i always tend to keep it all fo myself..its hard for me to tell anyone anything..

i do have suicidal thoughts.. i hate school i feel my friends don’t give a crap about me  and i always have trouble at home..

i am so lost and i can’t seem to hang on anymore..