This is my 17th year on Earth. I honestly didn’t expect to make it this far, and yet, I have. Over the past couple of years I have tried so many times to get help, sometimes it helps for a little while but I still end up back in the same horrible place. I’m at the point now where I don’t believe that there is any hope for me and I’ve accepted that. I just want to get everything that needs to be done before I die done, that is why I am writing this. I haven’t really shared my story before, I don’t even think that it’s really that interesting I just feel the need to get it all out before the inevitable happens.
So I’ll start at the beginning; childhood. Â As a kid I was so keen to start school but when I finally did I learnt the meaning of cruelty. I didn’t make friends at all for the first half of grade one and I endured a fair amount of bullying. This continued all through primary and high school until I dropped out in 11th grade. I deserved to be bullied though, I was such a **** of a child. I was nasty and I kept to myself. I lied all the time, sometimes telling a lie felt more natural than telling the truth. I first started self-harming when I was 7, since then my self-destructive behaviour has been on a downward spiral.
Over the past couple of years I have withdrawn from a lot of my social obligations. I haven’t visited any of my family (apart from my dying Grandmother) in over a year and the only reason I visit her is because she is a vegetable and she is going to die soon. The people I’m living with now care about me and soon I will make them hate me. This is one of the last things I do before I end it all, because when I go I don’t want anyone to miss me, I don’t deserve to be missed.
It’s not that I hate life, I think life is wonderful! It’s the fact that I do not deserve to be alive. I do not deserve to breathe. My life is a crime against humanity and I deserve to rot in hell. I wish that I had never been born because the pain that I have caused for so many people is unbelievable and as such, my last act (making everyone who once loved me hate me) is my last act of love.
If you are reading this, I hope that you are not feeling the way that I am right now and I’m sorry that you’ve read this depressing post, I’ve wasted precious moments of your life that you will never get back… sorry.
2 comments
I have a question:
If someone close to you, who you considered a perfectly normal person, killed themself and left the above text as a suicide note for you, would you agree with their sentiment?
Would you think:
“Yes, that IS true. She was a horrible horrible person, a crime against humanity. She has caused us all so much pain, and she is wasting my time even by just writing this note. How horrible of her.
I’m so glad and thankful that she decided to kill herself, and even be uncharacteristically unkind to me in the last days before doing so. That way, It’s much easier for me to come to terms with her death, which is, by the way, a great service to us all.
What an altruistic act. Well done. The world is better off without her.”
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Hey there,
I’m 17 and looked at your text.
You mentioned you have lied. Nothing else. I was an abuser a long long time ago. I still have to live with that every day of my life. Do I want to kill myself at times? Yes. Feel depressed most of my days including now? Yes. But I still try to push on and stay strong. If I can do it, surely you can too.
An email is welcome brl.centts@gmail.com