So to get started let me just say this i am clinically insane I’ve been diagnosed with multi-personality disorder i’m bipolar schizophrenic i show a lack of or no empathy all together i also suffer from ptsd. and to put that in perspective im 18. also sorry about grammar and capitalization but im in a rush. to make a long story short its hard to know me and its even harder to pretend you do so don’t bother trying. also the family card doesn’t work they’re part of the reason im like this. im killing myself because of three reasons 1 im board 2 life is fucking bullshit 3 think about it this way you wake up and fight to survive just to wake up and do it again. its a viscous cycle that i wont no part in so im killing myself via pure caffeine powder
: to be honest i simply have grown tired of life…. I was hoping that by doing this the right way I would grow stronger … strong enough so that even I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone about the burning inside my soul. the inadequacy that I feel every time I walk into room. The shadow that I cast at dusk… It is a large shadow. It is painted with my suffering and misdeeds. I am truly a monstrosity. I am unworthy to live. and yet… many keep telling me that God wants me alive. that I ought to keep striving to survive , and furthermore thrive , and furthermore succeed. But every success makes me feel unworthy and every failure, more wretched. My heart still aches after almost 4 or 5 years of dealing with the same , tired old emotion. Surely the thought of suicide is not normal. Surely I am alone. Or is there someone out there like me. I found this site and there are others fighting my fight. others who see it the way that I do. or rather , the way I wish not to. I don’t want my ideas , the rantings of my broken , psychotic mind , to hurt or inspire anyone. I just want a place where I belong. You see I have no home here , no clique , no group of friends to support. I have people that either look up to me , or down on me. I feel used by some and hated by others. but loved…. it is sad to say that there are very few that I think truly express even a brotherly form of love for me. It’s gotten so bad nowadays that It even effects my studies, which I am TOLD are important. So this will be my release. my dirty little secret. The game that I will play. The funny part is that no one will ever even suspect that I am… and if they find out , they will not care. I should probably be in an asylum right now. I chose not to lose my mind years ago , but I still hear voices. They ask my why I am here , and each day , I must have a reply. I don’t belong anywhere fore a reason. … there is only one place I can belong.I will not fit in even here , but you will see a darker side of me. I will share with you the shadow that chases me. I will share with you the fear. I will share the voice inside my head that screams at me DAY AND NIGHT. the tears that I am not allowed to shed , you will feel , the hours that I have lost in this battle and the loves that i have dreamed of.you will know them as if you were my brother. Im going to be honest. my life , my struggle. they are a series of Ironic , unfortunate , hilariously ironic events not even worthy of the emotion of suicide that I have come to know so well. I encourage you to laugh as post by post , I tell my tale , the story of a nameless man, who blends in with a crowd only when he is not need, is then used and sought out , and immediately forgotten about. If you can find me, perhaps you will love me. I have already been saved from my loneliness. I try to believe that it is my choice to still feel lonely. but , I still have trouble with the concept because I don’t want to live like this… that , I suppose that is my conundrum , the reason I am alive , but would still , rather die… but that story , is for another time….
It’s been hard, very hard, there are times in which I was fine, others in which I was simply “better”, I feel simply weak, like I’ve seen people passing for things so much more complicated than me and yet I keep asking myself. Why to live? What is the meaning of all this? Why keep feeling all this sadness, I can’t fix some things, I can’t fix my life and I can’t talk with anyone about these things, I don’t have family or friends to speak about it, that’s hard, having to act like I’m fine, HAVING to be fine,why do I have to be fine all the time? Why the world can be simply so cruel? I just want some hope, some real reason to be alive, to really want to live. For many years I’ve been better but the last 5 years made me get a lot worse, I just want someone who could listen to me… take me out of this loneliness in which I’ve been for so long…
I don’t need a reason to kill myself. I need a reason not to kill myself. I have self harmed and suffered from severe depression for around 4 months now, and this was diagnosed 2 months ago. I hate everything and everyone and every day is a depressed numb hellhole. I have no hope for the future and no motivation to do anything anymore. I am failing in school as a result and this makes me even sadder. I am losing friends and all hope. Last month I came very close to committing suicide with a train and if I had alcohol I surely would have, but I tried to do it sober and pussied out, but I came so very close. Now suicidal thoughts have returned and it has never been this dark and painful. Every breath feels like a waste and nothing will ever improve I hate counsellors etc. Please help me are there any (non-cliche) REAL reasons for me to not take my own life? It seems so easy and there would be no more struggle like sleeping for ever ( I love sleep <3) seems like such a good option. Only thing stopping me right now is the hurt my parents would feel when they got the news of my death. Apart from them no one would even care for more than a day or so. Sorry its long any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks :'(
I would like to share with you all a moment in my life where I felt the value of living.
I am a big fan of comic books. When I was younger I would consume manga (Japanese comics) which led to my later love in life of American graphic novels and great American literature in general. My favorite graphic novelist is Alan Moore. If you’ve never heard of him I’m sure you’ve heard of some of his works. He’s the mind behind the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, V for Vendetta, From Hell, Lost Girls, the Killing Joke, and Watchmen. He’s a wonderful man that paints pain and cynicism in a way that makes it almost appealing. He even made me fall in love with one of his psychopaths for a time.
Anyway, one of his greatest works is a short story he wrote for Batman called the Killing Joke. It’s a wonderful read that outlines the madness and insane wonder that takes place in the Joker’s mind as well as the endless struggle of Good vs Evil that Batman and the Joker so clearly represent. When I was in High school, around 17 years old, I was filled with hatred for my peers and younger siblings and the apathy they seemed to embody. At this time in my life I was the Joker, relating to him on a very personal level.
One day I was particularly angry with everything. I don’t remember what it was about that day, I just remember the feeling of uncontrollable rage and utter hopelessness. So I took the Killing Joke off the shelf and read it for what must have been my second dozenth time. As I read, I found comfort in the Joker’s words. He understood what it was like to be hated and to hate. He understood human beings on a level that I could only hope to through him. I agreed with every word he said, every speech, every point, every laugh and smile. I came to the point where he’s at his final showdown with Bats. The caped crusader blindly ran through the Joker’s fun house of horrors as the clown spouted off another a speech. I can still recite that speech today but I’ll spare you all the little details of their exchange. It was, at it’s most basic sentiment, about how everyone in the world is crazy just like him and that he’s more sane than anyone because he’s just the only one that will admit what a horridly fucked up place the world is. I got that. I really did. It made me smile to read it.
“It’s all a joke!” He’d said. “Everything anyone has ever valued or struggled for is all a demented monstrous gag. So why can’t YOU see the funny side? Why aren’t you laughing?”
At that point Batman bursts in through the fun house mirror behind him and says. “Because I’ve heard it before and it wasn’t funny the first time.” And then this is where the Batman completely destroyed me. He continued on by saying, “Incidentally, I spoke to Commissioner Gordon before following you in here. Despite all your sick and twisted little games, he’s still as sane as he ever was. So maybe ordinary people don’t always crack. Maybe there isn’t any need to climb under a rock with all the other sludge and slime when trouble hits.
Maybe it was just you the whole time.”
That struck me. Hard.
For a moment I began to see exactly what he meant. I had been letting my own fear and anger and judgement of people cloud the idea that things were not as bad as they seemed. For a small sliver of time I became the Batman, instilled with a sense of hope and realization that it was just me. All the pain and evil I perceived in the world was still there as it had always been but it suddenly felt lighter. The world is a horrible place. I know it is. But for a moment I realized that just because IT IS horrible doesn’t mean it isn’t beautiful as well. I could only dwell on what I hated about the world rather than see it in it’s entirety, both good and bad.
I felt a little better about things from then on. I got out of High School, away from those people. I went to college and eventually flunked out but I did get a job afterwards and have been making good money. Things haven’t gotten better for me. They’re probably worse than they ever have been. My life is miles behind that realization now but I will never forget that moment where I could feel hope blooming inside me. I miss that feeling. I’ve done so many things to try to nurture it back to life but it’s far too weak and withered now.
I just thought I’d put it out there as a sign that there will be times when you can see the world clearly for what it is. I may not be able to any longer but you still can. I at least hope you still can.
Thank you for reading, friend.
Love and Peace
I am depressed, but I keep the thoughts to myself. Suppressing my sadness with a fake smile and loud laugh. I did what I was told to do everyday but yet,I always wake up from my sleep feeling empty .
I have no reason to live but I don’t want my mom to be upset and devastated, walking to my room seeing her lifeless child on the bed with a gun and bed sheets dripping with blood.
But I also cannot bear the feeling of being completely alone and empty, so I made a deal to myself.
In 2016, I will put an end to my depression, if my life have not changed. I have a specific date but I don’t want to tell anyone about it
My deadline. Now I have 2 years to search for a reason to live and if I don’t, I’m sure future me can find a way to kill herself.
To get things clear, I have reasons why I’m depressed.
I was left , cheated on, bullied and cast aside. I have no father, no friends to make me feel calm and no lover to make me feel loved. I was told that I’m a monster by the very person that I love so much. Maybe he’s right. I am a monster that needs to be put down .
I just have to get through 2 more years before all of this is finally ended.
…When someone posts and they never post again. I’m left wondering, “are they still here?” Everyone here seems like intelligent human beings with so much on their minds, to even think that one of them is no longer here is heartbreaking. Did they get what they want? Was it painless? We never really know do we? I’m not really religious or superstitious but I hope you guys are alright. Know that there’s someone out there who cares. Please stay safe, everyone.
There is no order to most of my life.
Just as there won’t be much order to this post; my mind yields only things of its own nature and characteristics.
My poor mind, relatively young yet feeling so old. Worn down, like a war ship incessantly buffeted and berated by the interminable winds howling across the vast expanse of sea and darkness; never letting up, allowing no time for reprieve.
The wood creaks, the boards swell with moisture, and the sails test the very limits of the ropes that hold them, seeming as though they might snap at any moment.
But there is no ship. You know this, as you always have. There is nothing but my analogous representation of the inner workings of my mind and my hopes that you’ll be able to comprehend what I am trying to convey:
I am in agony.
Not the type that motivates you. Not the type that keeps you running, utilizing your talents and natural aptitudes in order to stay afloat. In order to stay alive.
No, this type of agony is a pain many here know quite well. This agony stems from the very depths of your soul, finding and ripping out any remaining hope and happiness that you manage to cling to.
It leaves some happiness, but they serve as shards of glass to keep you paralyzed. To keep you laying there, eyes have shut and mouth half open, staring blankly at the foreboding future and your ominous past. The former is the reason behind your efforts of self-imposed destruction, and the latter contains your rationalizations regarding your continued lack of effort for surmounting the parts of your mind that are slowly killing you.
You know you’re drowning. You know it’s not living, and it’s not breathing, but you continue anyway.
You’re not sure. I’m not sure. But I have noticed, throughout the years, that my reasons for staying adrift aboard this vessel that is steadily tearing itself apart have become more and more diffuse. More and more abstract, abstruse.
I no longer can recognize why I continue to stand aboard my ship, looking around and seeing nothing more than the howling winds that continue to decay both truth and clarity.
I come to you, SP, to ask for help. Any you can give me.
For I’m at risk at being forever lost at sea.
Reality suck , Real Life suck , Real World suck . why human’s Imagination is much better & interesting than this everyday’s boring reality ??
I hate life, I hate people / humans, I hate reality, I hate this world.
its very boring, and especially nowadays become only very materialistic, money / profits driven only, all about money, superficial, shallow, and mundane boring!
Why movies, video games, comics, books, novels, anime/manga, creative Art, basically human’s IMAGINATION & fantasy is often/always a hundred times FAR much more interesting & better than this sad, mundane, boring, superficial, & very LIMITING life / world / reality ??…
does God (if there is indeed one…!) play such a cruel sick joke for especially creating human’s IMAGINATION inside our heads?? .. especially often the very creative, artistic, imaginative, and “other-worldly” artistic type of people & their fantasy, sci-fi (science fiction) works and IMAGINATION !? …
can anyone here relate or think/feel the same/similar with me?
I hate life. I hate people. I hate this world. I hate reality / real world / real life, they are all too boring/mundane for me, and I’ve found almost nothing that is interesting in this reality/real-life/real-world anymore, also in MOST people/humans!
the majority or MOST of human beings/people in this world I’ve found to be either a bunch of stupid, shallow, superficial, ignorant, selfish, rigid, stoic, lifeless, uninteresting, uncreative, and/or boring / mundane ones.
maybe that’s why this “reality” (or “real world” / “real life”) or our society currently is sooo f*cked up now almost beyond help!
with only VERY FEW exceptions of: real-GOOD, honest humans/people, real smart/intelligent people, and/or very creative, imaginative, ‘artistic’ type of humans/people (that produces some of the best “other-worldly” works like novels, movies, games, anime, work of art, etc etc) ,… then the rest (again, which is the majority, like 90% or even 99% of human beings on this planet!) , I simply absolutely HATE them, and how I deeply always f*cking wish that I NEVER live in ONE planet with them,.. or how I wish I could get immediately transported into another world / universe (like in those ‘cool/awesome’ movies, novels, games, etc etc) ..
can anyone here relate with me?
then, what is the solution?..
I hate this boring, bored reality / real life / real world, I hate this life, this LIMITED world, and I hate people/humans ..!!
Movies, books, video games, novels, comics, anime/manga, etc etc, basically human’s IMAGINATIONS is a hundred times FAR much more interesting than this very LIMITING reality / real-world / real-life here in this world!
and what’s even worse is that most (about 90%) of humans / people I meet & know everyday are mostly stupid, shallow, superficial, mundane/boring, money and profits and image driven only, ignorant,.. mostly human beings especially today these days are much more bad & hopeless ..!!
(there are -thankfully/luckily?- only FEW humans/people that I like, eg: the very creative/imaginative & ‘other-worldly’ artists who created/made all those awesome fantasy, sci-fi stories, novels, books, movies, games, comics, anime/manga, etc etc..and some other types… but still, the latter could still be just another very boring, mundane, ‘worldly’ type of people/humans!).
Sometimes , no , often times I cursed myself for being highly imaginative, creative (many people also said that I’m very talented, and bright/smart/intelligent & wise ‘old-soul’ type too..) , because in this world & life that I hate, it seems that all those ‘innate talents/gifts’ of mine seems to be viewed as NOTHING IMPORTANT / SIGNIFICANT by large/mainstream society & most people today…!
We live today -ironically- in the very restricting, over-stressed, superficial/shallow, mundane, and hopeless & degrading era of humanity … and WHY shouldn’t I just kill myself now so to finally simply just f*cking shed-off this cursed limiting physical body of mine, and get out from this f*cking damn LIMITED, BORING life/world / reality ???…
(PS: I’m not an ’emo’ teenager or 20’s something, but I’m a ‘unique, weird, alien’ 32 years old Asian/chinese guy who merely always have very weird, eccentric, & imaginative mind/thinking,… and who still stays/dependent -unfortunately/sadly- in a “normal” family/parents’ house, and their so-called “job/business”, obviously for me, a f*cking damn boring, mundane everyday’s “job/business” that honestly I don’t give a f*ck / damn about it all …!!)
It’s been 3 years since i last made a post on here about my depression. Let’s just say I’m the happiest I’ve really ever been. I coped with my depression by exercising and being healthy, doing so I lost 20 pounds in the process which I am happy about. When year 10 of school started I decided I would try something risky and I did. I tried out for the foreign exchange program to go overseas. With the risky decision I succeeded and am now going to Germany in July. And this is all because I found a way to cope with my depression and anxiety. Yes, I still have those moments where I feel like dirt but I think of the positive things I have lined up for my life and the bright future I, like many of you on this website, have. Everyone can have a bright future if they think positively and think of ways to Â cope with your depression, anxiety, anorexia, or any mental illness you may or may not have. There is always hope my friends. I will always be here to help anyone needing support or a chat or anything. Please Don’t say goodbye tonight.
I graduated from college and have a Bachelors of Science. I thought more doors would be opened for me but nowÂ ten month since graduation… this does not seem so.
I held a position in manufacturing 6 months after graduate just to make some money but did not take long for me to feel dissatisfied, unaccomplished, and severely depressed. I woke each morning feeling unmotivated, miserably, and wondering why I cannot launch my career. I had no problem quitting the job. The job put me to sleep (literally), the pay sucked, the hours was pitiful, no one appreciate the volunteered overtimeÂ and… most importantly, I want to dedicate my pursue to MY DREAM!
I attempted to volunteer but apparently there are no openings at this time (maybe, I asking the wrong set of agencies). I attempted to move away but never had enough money to move away. I reserved to apply to any graduate programs, Post-bachelors programs, fellowships, internships, and certification programs but there are no guarantees andÂ oneÂ program rejected me already and I did not takeÂ well.Â I attempt to find and apply to positions related to my field of interest but without any research or work experience… I cannot get anyone anywhere to try me.
Before any say, “You have so much going for you.” I DON’T!!
I was raised in working class (nearly impoverished) background. My parents did not pay for me to go nowhere. I worked each semester and between semester to make ends meet when financial aid couldn’t cover the remaining cost. I did not have aÂ social live (I never had such a thing as real friends). Sometimes I did not eat or barely ate (one meal a day). I experience severe bouts of depression and sleep disrupts. I hoped that with all the sacrifices in consideration, it would all pay off once I graduated (assuming I couldÂ finish atÂ the time).
I have been to therapy but nothing has worked with my declining mood and suicidal tendencies. I have been on medication but it nothing has adjusted my mood.
Part of college pursue and becoming a professional in the sciences is part of my raison d’Ãªtre.
Current: My ambitions are on life support and struggling to find something… anything that might save my it. I am talking myself thoughtÂ how I mean to cope with the strong possibly of my ambition amounting to nothing. I am struggling to fashion another raison d’Ãªtre but feel such attempts will be in vain… I have nothing more going for me than degree I cannot use, dreams I have to bury, emptiness I cannot feel with anything, and strong possible of killing myself by my 30th birthday.
So I went for my weekly visit to speak to my psychiatrist, and did he ever have the greatest advice ever….
“What’s the rush in dying, we all die anyways”
Thoughts? Anyone and everyone who has ever been told that or felt like this, please respond.
My mind is still trying to wrap itself from figuring out what I am supposed to do with that oh so helpful quote.
It’s normal to have crushes and attractions to other people right? I know it’s alright, but I’m beginning to grow worried. A week or so ago I went out with a few of my friends, and my crush was there. He’s sweet, a bit shy but still very fun to be with. As they walked me to the bus stop his friends began asking him why he hadn’t asked me out yet (they all knew, even him). It all made me fairly uncomfortable so I chose to ignore it all. Every now and then before that I found myself thinking that he was MY reason to live. I’m diagnosed with severe depression, though I dislike admitting that to myself, and thinking about him helps me go on with my life. He’s my stability. After we hung out I began to ponder the thought of him not liking me back, which I thought was very likely. I began to think about how life would be without him. I’m terrified, I starting to become obsessed with this boy. It isn’t right, he had his own life and I’m not his first priority, but I’m starting go back to cutting and my way of thinking is becoming hazy. I don’t want to let go, I know I have to, I just liked him because he kept me sane, but my body won’t let me. My mind doesn’t want to forget him.
I saw a therapist yesterday, to try to deal with my â€œissuesâ€.
Iâ€™ve decided to cancel future appointments because I just donâ€™t see a point.
He asked me what my goals were, what I wanted from life, paint the ideal me.
There was nothing at all. No goals, no dreams, no wants, no future, no hope, no me.
Without something to aim for, I donâ€™t see the point of going through this.
I guess in my remaining time I will see if I can find a reason.
But once the two people I canâ€™t hurt are gone, I know I wonâ€™t be far behind.
Actually I lied, I do have a goal. Death. Therapy wonâ€™t help me achieve that though.
It will do everything it can to squash this goalâ€¦
I was really upset when you decided to take your own life back on June 23, 2002 and still think of it almost every day. I know you must have been going through some rough times but I really wish you would have contacted one of us (your family)for support. We had our share of fights growing up that I thought I would never forgive you for. As I sit here today writing this letter I can honestly say that I forgive you. There are so many things that I held onto over the years, maybe I could have learned to get over them and forgive you. Had I learned to deal with my issues instead of walk away from them, you might still be here today.
The day after you committed suicide was one of the hardest days of my life. I was at Fort Leonard Wood, in week 1 of Basic Training. When I woke up that morning I had a feeling that something wasnâ€™t right. I remember running up to the formation with a weird feeling. I just thought I was still getting adjusted to being away from home. The Drill Sergeants werenâ€™t running around screaming like they usually did, and I swore they were all looking at me. I thought maybe I was still paranoid that I was going to do something wrong and **** them off. Our Company was called to attention and I was told to fall out and report to the Company Commander and First Sergeant. I was terrified that I had left my wall locker open and was about to be kicked out or something. I was still very new to Basic Training and didnâ€™t learn how to report yet and was yelled at for not going to the position on attention. He asked me to confirm my name, SSN, and birthday which I did. He then asked me if Carlene Riggs was my mother and I confirmed. The next words out of his mouth will haunt me to this day, â€œI regret to inform you of the death ofâ€¦â€ I thought grandpa Jack had died since he wasnâ€™t doing well. When he said â€œNathan Robert Riggsâ€ I started crying, turned away, and dropped to a knee. I was then lead by the First Sergeant to the Drill Sergeantâ€™s office to use the phone to call mom. Her tired and emotionally drained voice answered the phone; I then started to cry again and asked her what happened. When she told me that you had killed yourself I was devastated. I was planning on talking to you when I got home from Basic Training to see if you wanted to join my National Guard unit. To just think that if I had made that phone call before I left, this whole crisis could have possibly been averted. That day I was allowed to just hang out at the barracks. I just laid in my bed and cried, it was hard enough being away from home but to know that everyone needed me hurt even more. That night as I laid in my bed I began to dream about all the good times I had with you growing up. I know I would lash out when you wouldnâ€™t let me hang out with you but it was only because I wanted to spend time with you. About half way through my dream you showed up. I knew it was different from any other person in my other dreams, itâ€™s like I was really talking to you. The first thing you said was â€œJoel Iâ€™m so sorry for all the pain I caused you in your life. I did a lot of mean thinks to hurt you and the family but I just wanted to tell you that Iâ€™m sorry.â€ As soon as you mentioned my name I started to cry. I cried out that I was sorry for all the things that I had done to you. You cut me off and said with the calmest voice â€œitâ€™s OK man, I forgive you.â€ I said that I didnâ€™t want you to go, that I loved you and missed you. I began to cry again and you put a hand on my shoulder and I really felt it. You then told me â€œItâ€™s OK man; Iâ€™ll see you on the other side.â€ With that said, you simply turned around and walked away. I tried to chase after you screaming Nathan donâ€™t go. I woke up still yelling for you with my arms stretched out; my pillow soaked from the tears that were shed in my dream. Iâ€™ve never experienced anything like that dream in my life. I tried to push that memory deep down inside and I havenâ€™t told anyone until recently. I know that mom and dad would love to hear it.
I just feel so bad that I had finally came to the realization that I needed to forgive you and didnâ€™t even get a chance to tell you. I donâ€™t really talk to too many people about how your death has affected me. I hope that when I have a boy I can name him after you. That would make my day. Itâ€™s amazing how writing this letter makes me feel so much love towards you and I feel a heavy burden off of my shoulders. As much as I tell people youâ€™re suicide doesnâ€™t bother me, it does. Iâ€™m finally able to talk about it with others and not feel judged when I breakdown. I still love to go for remote drives on country roads and think of you. Every time I look at the ocean or something peaceful I think of you. I will continue to think of you until the day I die. As I lay on my death bed I know youâ€™ll come to me and comfort me in my last moments on the earth. Iâ€™ll just look up at you and reach my hand out for your should and with my last breath Iâ€™ll say â€œItâ€™s OK man, Iâ€™m coming to see you on the other side.â€
Your baby brother; Joel
So I really don’t have any reason to continue living. I don’t believe in God, and think the chances of our conscious dying when we die is very likely. We are our thoughts, so we are our brain, so when our brain dies, we die as our conscious become unconscious. You can’t be aware while unconscious, not of yourself, or anything. That may seem obvious, but many people don’t realize or understand this. So that means that we, in a sense, will no longer exist after we die. Our thoughts will stop, and we are our thoughts, so we stop. There will be no darkness or emptiness, just nothing. We won’t exist to experience the nothing.
So why should I keep living if it doesn’t matter whether I die now, or in 70 years? Either way, I’ll still end up in the same place. Some may say we should keep living to try to make the world a better place, but what would it matter if the world is a better place if I will stop existing to experience the world. Or that we should keep living for those we love? That doesn’t matter either, because some day they’ll be dead too and won’t exist either. And it doesn’t matter if by taking my life I hurt others and make them sad during their life, because in the end it wont matter. And why live just to have fun and be happy? It won’t matter when I’m no longer conscious, and unable to think about the happiness or fun I had in life. It will all be the same.
The only reason I’m alive right now is because I’m too scared to take my life, I’m actually alive out of cowardice. Taking my life would be the bravest thing I could do. Also I’m alive for the same reason I would have for taking my life: that it doesn’t matter when we die because we’ll stop existing no matter what and it wont matter. So why not just live life while I have it, just for the hell of it. Like it may not matter at all, but why not? The problem is, this reason stops standing whenever I’m sad or in a bad mood because all of a sudden nothingness seems better than the pain of life, and it doesn’t matter anyway.
And what if there is a God and an afterlife? Well I don’t think any loving God would punish me for being logical and coming to such a conclusion with the intellect and mind he has given me. And who knows if God would even be anything like any religion has described Him. Maybe god isn’t even a being with a personality at all. Or maybe God wouldn’t be “good”. We can’t actually ever know these things in life. We can spend our whole life studying and researching about it, but we can’t ever actually know real truth, or comprehend what we are, were we came from, what the meaning of life is. Maybe we can logically claim a religious belief, but we can’t actually fully know with certainty anything to be ultimately true. But for the sake of this post, I’d like to assume that what follows death is a state of unconsciousness and not existing, as that’s the only thing that science can prove as we can’t measure or physically know a “soul”.
So would it not be rational and logical to take my life?
I am a 17 year old male and for as long as I can remember have been good at everything. I am also pretty good looking but I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts and not for the usual reasons either. I honestly feel there is no point in life. To get old and die one day don’t sound to good to me. Not because I’m afraid of getting old because I see no point in working to take care of myself when ill just die anyway. Â I consider my self Â strange because I don’t wanna die and say the world is better with out me or some other bs because it probably isn’t I just sit and think to my self that there is no point to life if we die and like life I question everything else saying to my self what’s the point of this. In this world created by humans in a system of Â government created by humans only some will succeed by doing insane things. My problem is I don’t see the point of living in a system created by other people and have there rules forced on me. Maybe I haven’t lived long enough to figure out life or maybe I just figured it out early and its not that I would like to die its that I would like for everything to stop I’d like to stop existing but who knows I might one day wake up with a reason to live like love or some other bs but for now ill sit around my house smoking weed listening to joey bada$$, Kendrick Lamar, and Shredding on my skate board down the streets of Montgomery Al. Ps. I did this all on my iPhone so sorry about the bad writing. -Skate Life forever
I’ve stopped caring and so has everyone else. I’m struggling to find a reason to keep living this awful life, it’s not like I’ll go far in life anyways. Everyone dies eventually, why can’t I just make it happen for myself?