so ive been battling depression a lot recently… which has caused me to lose most of my social circle… it has also recently caused me to begin abusing alcohol, which led to me losing a job that was much better than my minwage job I had before.
Ive done therapy, pills, lifted, I have a college degree…. but nothing brings me out of this slump.
well this last weekend I decided I was done, I went out, maxed out my credit cards buying a gun, alcohol, drugs, and then blew the rest at a casino and strip club, I decided I was done.
I actually had an amazing weekend, perfect weekend, I was more happy than I can every remember being…. I was ready to put the gun in my mouth… so I went to the hotel room… and sat there with it for 5 hours… playing with it, loading it reloading it… I eventually dozed off instead of doing it….
Im now 5 grand in the hole, have a gun, and still suicidal… but I cant bring myself to do it….
what do I do now? im fucked cause im jobless, and bad references because I walked out when I was really drunk one day… luckily I do have a home (live with parents), but now I have credit debt and student loans to pay off…
then theres the issue of the gun… im still feeling suicidal… but im afraid that ill fuck that up too like I do with everything else I do.
I feel so lost and worthless… and I really want out….
1 comment
I know how you feel man….fuck the credit card debt they can kick rocks those people are legal loan sharks and besides if you do stay alive and decide to go on there is always bankruptcy although I know it doesn’t get rid of the student loan debt…that shit follows you like your fucking shadow.
As for your employment situation I would say you might have a better chance at another job because of your degree but I agree that your last job isn’t really a good reference however…..I know a trick you could use to use that job without actually having a person from that job give you a bad rep. You could list the job but give a phone number of a trusted person so that when they call that person can vouch for you and if they do a employment history search they will see that you did indeed work for said company. I don’t know if you’d like to do that but it works.
I know how you feel but I can make one observation…..If you had a loaded gun and didn’t pull the trigger then you may not be as ready to die as you believe….Many people on this site if given a loaded gun would be dead within hours or days of getting the gun myself included…I’m not by any means judging you or saying you aren’t “serious” about killing yourself……I just think that a big part of you wants to live because you had the restraint to not pull the trigger. I could be wrong I know it takes a lot more than simply wanting to die to pull the trigger but if I am wrong please don’t take offense.
I also know how depression drives away your friends and eventually family. They just don’t understand because they can relate to what you are going through and many times they want to distance themselves from anything that is outside the norm. I know how it feels to lose people that you were once so fucking close to. Depression is a fucking monster man.
Nobody on this site can tell you what to do because we don’t live your life we can only offer our opinion but we can’t make any choices for you that is all your prerogative. Whatever you decide to do in the end just make sure its 100% what you want to do. I say this because when I think about suicide every day I think about if its really what I want and for me the answer is yes and I know for a 100% fact I will not be here in 2014. This is the biggest most important decision you will ever make and there is no room to be partially sure about what you want because once you make the choice to die and go through with it there is no retracting the decision. All in all whatever your choice may be I hope you find solace and relief from your hell