Honestly, I don’t know how I ended up here on this website. I’m not even sure when I started feeling like this. It’s a scary thing when you’re lying awake and finding yourself thinking ‘What if I just died?’. ‘Would anyone care?’. ‘Everyone dies. Life goes on. People move on.’, ‘It wouldn’t be any different.’
I don’t think I could ever actually kill myself. I’m far too scared to ever do it. It’s just the fact that I’ve ever considered it that scares me more than anything.
I found lately, that there’s not much point in trying to explain to my friends how I feel because they can never really understand it. Outward I’m this, calm, happy 24 year old girl with the best group of friends anyone can ask for. Inwards, I feel like I’m abandoned, like I’m the loneliest person in the world and I feel like nobody can hear me screaming. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have clinical depression but it has been a really, really rough year and I just wish someone would understand.
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I feel that way too but honestly it’s been a year or two since I’ve felt lonely, and I don’t think anybody has a clue because likewise I seem happy on the outside. I can’t fathom opening up to any of my “friends.”
Someone left a comment a while back about a suicide where the person was loved by all and everyone at the funeral said how wonderful she was and how unexpected it was. She was always friendly, seemed happy etc… and it just made me sad to realize how isolated that person was. How out of all these people around her.. not one had the insight to realize how she really felt.
If you’re lucky, you’ll find someone you can talk to but generally most people have the responses of … Oh. you’re sad? that’s too bad. .. Oh you’re still sad? this is getting old. Oh You’re STILL Sad? fuck you’re depressing.. i don’t want to hang out.
Try to keep yourself busy.. I found i was always at my worst when left with time to think.
Yeah. It’s difficult to show your “true self” when you know your friends rely on you for support and advice.
Roak: that’s what I’m doing at the moment and also thinking about the things I’m looking forward to. A girl in my class killed herself a few months ago and nobody suspected it because she was always really happy, bright and outgoing and nobody knew what kind of pain she was suffering. Makes you think about how little you really know about people.
I don’t think I have anyone that I trust enough to really let in, in that way.
Yep that works too.. I wake up and try to find anything that i can look forward to… Biking in to work.. getting a coffee from that particular shop.. a crappy film i plan on seeing… exercise also seems to boost my mood.. though sometimes hard to be active when simply getting out of bed is a challenge.
Most days i just need littlest bit of interest to get me moving.
Barring friends.. there are always therapists to talk to.. not that i ever could. I have a hard enough time admitting weaknesses to people i know.. much less strangers. But i know a number of people who do..
Luck.. you’ll make it through it.. be strong.