lately, i am scared of myself. terrified of the idea that i’m not even sure anymore what or who i am.  i find myself looking at my hands, my arms, my wrists and i feel like this is not me. that somehow, the “me” got lost in all of this. and i look back at pictures of myself as a kid, and i cannot connect with the person i am meant to be. not even in the pictures of my childhood i am smiling. i honestly don’t believe i ever experienced the feeling of “happiness” . sometimes i have no emotion at all, but there are still moments where i cry, i cry so hard i almost choke. where i sit on the floor for an hour, almost paralyzed, begging that somehow i would just disappear. without a trace. there is nothing good to come and there is no help for me, so i know there is just one way out.  there is no doubt that i want to die, but it somehow never happens. i gave up on tricking myself that things get better, because for some of us, things never change. and you can try to stay alive for 1 or 5 more days and you look back and you think “i still feel the same”. there is no magical medicine for this. i feel different than everyone else i see on the street, even “they” know i am different. so what am i meant to do, take a pill, go into hospital every 4 months for the rest of my life and live in a zombie like state just to please other people? some of you think that “being loved” will help. i never feel lonely, i actually prefer to be alone because i despise humans. and i cannot even stand myself. i just want  my head to stop hurting.