If you told me 2 years ago that I would be taking Organic Chemistry I would laugh at your face (because I barely got an A in PreAP Chemistry) and then ask what Organic Chemistry is because I would have never heard of it before. Yet here I am, taking Organic Chemistry. I planned on killing myself in August and now I have pushed the date back to the end of my semester finals. But seriously what am I waiting for? I basically have only 2 friends and the only things I do with them is attend class together and occasionally study. Making friends is so hard for me and then keeping them is near impossible. I’m so tired moving heaven and earth to befriend people only for them to become strangers again.  I’m lonely. I’ve been lonely all my life. I get home and I’m all alone for 5 hours at a time on a daily basis. I’ve literary been crying on and off for the past two weeks. FML December can’t come soon enough.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
3 comments
Yeah, loneliness is rough. I probably spend twice the amount of hours alone each day as you. I’d kill just to have a class to go to or some people to study with. But it’s my fault for not wanting to go back to school.
Anyways, we’re all guilty of setting “suicide deadlines” and then continuing to live. It gets kinda childish after a while, dontcha think? It’s a coping mechanism, that’s all. You can get through the next few months if you dangle the carrot of “I’ll set myself free after this” in front of your face, and then when you get there, of course, you don’t really want to kill yourself, so you go about hanging up the next carrot a few months down the line. It might just be best to face the honesty that you probably don’t want to die. You don’t want to be lonely, you don’t want to keep feeling pain in your life, but that doesn’t really mean you want to end your life. You want your life to be better is all. Eventually the telling yourself that you are planning suicide every few months gets to be a little melodramatic.
Maybe it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. A vehicle goes where you point it. If you tell yourself that you can’t wait for December because things will still be bad and then you’ll consider killing yourself again, maybe that’s where the vehicle of your life is going to take you. Instead if you say let’s get real, I didn’t kill myself the last time I said I was going to and I’m probably not going to this time, and instead focus on making the best of things, work hard in your classes, make an effort to stay good friends with the few that you do have right now, aim for being happier in life instead of just driving towards a suicide deadline, maybe you’ll end up in a different December than you’re telling yourself to drive towards.
Organic sounds interesting paired with Chemistry. It’s a shame someone as bright as you feels like offing themselves. We need more people like you in this world. Your capacity for knowledge on subjects most people (average people) could not comprehend is invaluable. I hope you reconsider. (first time I’ve said that to someone on here, by the way)
There was a very low point in my life where everything was going wrong. I even thought I lost all of my friends at that moment. I made the mistake of reaching out to someone on a social forum I used to frequent. She was nice at first then backstabbed me and I learned never to trust anyone online. Eventually I mended fences with my friends also, so I was ok again.
So I can understand what you’re going through. It’s not as easy to make friends when you’re older. People usually already have all the friends they need and are very leery of letting in new people. But it can happen. It helps to have a good sense of humor even if you are dying on the inside. People can smell desperation and they run from it, so don’t give off that vibe.
Also you can join nerd groups like science, chess, christian prayer, etc and you will make friends. Many other types of groups you can join also.
Presently I can count my friends on my fingers, but I really don’t care for more. However you never know when one can leave you. One of my buddies for 15 yrs is planning to move to another country and start a business. So at the same time, I have to build my social network again.
And friends aren’t always that ‘great’ to have around…they can become your worst critics and kick you when you’re down (recall my low point). So it’s the grass is greener thing. Still it’s good to have them to go to the movies with, get relationship advice and so on. Anyways best of luck on your search. I know life is hard-I have my own major crap to deal with but making friends is one of the more attainable goals.
Try find a hot girl to date in her 20s or early 30s when you’re in your early 40s like me. It’s hard enough for guys their age, for me it’s a bit of a moon shot but I’ve only dated beautiful girls my whole life and I can’t settle for less. I know I’m superficial, yada yada yada…