I’m so over having to constantly lie about how I feel when somebody asks whats wrong. What am I suppose to tell them I want to fucking die? I can’t. I can’t talk about things that bother me to anyone cause or learned you can’t ever trust anybody. Ever. I hate myself so much every thing about me annoys me. I constantly feel like shit about myself and I only have myself to blame. I’m always so alone no matter how many “friends” I have. Not to mention I’m 15 and have never had an actual relationship. People constantly tell me I’m “perfect” and beautiful and gorgeous but first of all I know for a fact that’s a lie. And secondly if that is true I must have the worst fucking personality in the world. I know I shouldn’t let that bother me but it does. A lot. I have friends but I still feel like such a loser. I’m so depressed but I don’t want anybody to ever see me like that. I’ve been cutting myself and getting high since 7th grade and it’s my only escape from all the fucked up thoughts inside my head. My parents only make things 10x worse. They’re very Christian and I have a relationship with god but I feel so at away from him at this point. Everytime I get in trouble my dad tells me I’m being fake by even going to church because obviously I have no want to be a Christian because I do bad things like smoke weed. I always feel so bad because I try so hard but one mistake and I’m a fucked up person. I just can’t fucking deal with this anymore. I haven’t been okay for a long time and at this point I’m just fucking done. It will be so much easier on everyone if I’m gone and I don’t need people to lie and say it wont when you don’t know the situation. I’m done with everyone’s bullshit about how things get better because fuck that. I’ve waited amd waited and shit doesn’t get better. It’s better off if I just end shit now but I’m to much of a fucking whimp to do it now but I’ll do it soon. I’m sorry for blabbing on about this and I doubt anyone will read this I just needed to put this out there idk. I hope no ones reads this lol
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I wandered in here and I did read your post. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Not gonna lecture, but you said this “People constantly tell me I’m “perfect†and beautiful and gorgeous but first of all I know for a fact that’s a lie. “…. why would all of those people lie to you? I think they believe what they say about you, just the way you believe what you believe about yourself. Perception is reality, in a way… This may sound dumb but there;s a book that talks about this idea, about what you believe and how that makes such a difference, I’ll post a link to it at Amazon.com
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0985953403/ref=oh_details_o00_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
A guide to the present moment, by Noah Elkrief. It is interesting, that what we believe can be come our reality, and to focus on our ability to just disbelieve those things, well that helps a lot. (like, you do’t believe those nice things that other people say about you, so you can just as easily train yourself to disbelieve your own negative opinion of yourself)
People don’t go around telling ugly people that they’re gorgeous, you know what I mean?
This may sound granny-like, but your brain gets affected by hormones too, and at the age you’re at, it’s just maybe a bit worse. So sometimes “it gets better” is very accurate, and that has nothing to do with your thoughts, or what others think about you, but some basic damned biology.. BTW, there are plenty of good Christians that some weed, it’s not evil, just not something to rely on day in and day out, better to save it for once in awhile.
When I’m feeling like crap, I just focus on little things that make me feel good, like petting the cat, or rereading a good story that I’ve read many times and really like, or eating a little bit of something that I love (like hagan daz ice cream) or swimming. Sewing something by hand (like hemming a skire) or something that requires a lot of concentration.
I’m feeling like crap today actually, so I”m going to gocurl up in my bed with a pillow and blanket that I love and my old stuffed bear, and the cat will probably jump up and the dog will be there too, and no matter what other shit is happening, I can enjoy the heck out of that! Yeah, it will probably get better so don’t fight it, let it happen!, I try and work on that every day
Best, Shellie
Sometimes all you need is someone to talk to. I’ve felt similar. The feelings don’t go away if you merely wait for them to leave.. You have to get help.
I’ve been a cutter since I was fourteen, and now I’m a few months from twenty. I’ve been working on it for the last little while.
I tried to overdose when I was sixteen, but a friend caught me in time and called the cops. Suicide looks like a pretty little escape, where you don’t have to deal with anything anymore. What you don’t realize, is what will stem from a botched suicide. I still can’t swallow a pill without nearly throwing up. I know people who were paralyzed because they didn’t die after jumping off a building. Or the elephant in the room everytime you are in the same room, alone, with your parents. I’m not going to tell you it gets easier; it doesn’t. But it does make you that much stronger.
Perhaps the drugs make you feel better, but if it’s only weed you’ve been doing.. That’s just going to make you feel worse. Seeing as it’s a depressant, it’ll make the suicidal thoughts worse.
You need to find something to keep you from killing yourself. For me, it was my younger sister. I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her with my mother alone. Verbal abuse was something that was all too familiar in our household, and I didn’t want her to end up like me.
Start by promising you won’t kill yourself. If you won’t do it for you, do it for me. I know how hard it can be to ask for help. Find a forum and post anonymously, or tell a friend how you’ve been feeling. I know you lack trust in people.. Hell, I do as well.. But you have to open up to someone and find something that can make you feel better — something HEALTHY.
If you want to talk to me, just drop a comment on this forum. I’ll give you a way to contact me.
Just please, promise you will not do anything.
You sound a lot like me. I’m guilty of the self loathing, despite always being told I’m ‘handsome’, even though I’ve never been with a girl and I’m 20. I also self medicate often in order to try to escape my dark feelings. Things get better for some people. But I guess for people like you and me, things usually don’t get better; they simply change. I am searching for a way out of my life also. I wish you the best of luck.