hi, my name is milo.
i tend to hide my emotions and bottle them up until i break. everyday i force myself to get up and go to school and do what needs to be done. i’m okay throughout the day but as soon as i’m alone and it’s nighttime i breakdown. i cry myself to sleep everytime i realize that nothing is going to get better. i’ve been in the same spot for over 5 years now and nothing has changed. i was sexually assaulted by my ex-best friend, constantly being blamed for things that weren’t my fault, and my boyfriend of almost 2 years recently left me around a couple of months ago. i blame myself for the situation with my ex every single day and i know if i didn’t listen to the words of others and also let my emotions control my head none of this wouldn’t of happened. i became so selfish and i didn’t even mean to. i loved this boy with every fiber of my being. i felt real love for the first time and to watch him leave because of my actions was the worst thing i have ever done. i’m not trying to play a victim card here, i know personally these things were because of my thoughts and actions. i own a vent account on insta and i always talk on there but i just feel like i’m always taken as a joke. i wish my friends could see things from my perspective and not accuse me of being selfish. it sucks. i’ve been to multiple therapy sessions, mental hospitals and treatment facilities. none of those places helped. i feel so damn trapped and alone every single day and i see absoloutely no reason to be alive anymore. i’ve had people tell me;
“oh there’s plenty of things to live for!”
“what about your future?”
“don’t you want a family?”
“don’t you realize how many of us will miss you when you’re gone? please stay for us it’s the least you can do! just stay strong!”
none of these sentences help or make me feel better. if anything these sentences make me feel guilty and worse. i’ve gotten to a point to where i’m about to sell all my animals and cut off everyone i know. i’ve already started to notice how my friends talk behind my back, that hurts especially because i’ve known these people for years now. it just gives me another reason to die. everyday i find out something new and slowly but surely i’m reaching my limits. i’m out of options, i’m too anxious to talk to the national suicide hotline or even message them, and all in all, just so, so tired of being in this continuous loop. honestly the only reason i’m still here is because i keep getting too scared to die right before i’m about to pass my limits. this has happened to me twice already and i just want to leave. anything is better than where i’m at now.