I was 15 when I tried to kill myself. It was march 29th 2011. I had been in a deep depression since I had run away from home a little less than a year prior. My parents were drug addicts and my dad was a felon and a drug dealer. My mom was a paraplegic and a slut who fucked everyone and anyone. My older sister was a sociopath that murdered our rabbits and one of our dogs and tried to kill me with an axe which ended up with a trip to the hospital when I was only 5. Now that we have a tiny bit of background I can continue. I had gained a lot of wait and was skipping school because I was being bullied so much my freshman year. I genuinely only had 2 friends that entire year. I was also on sleeping meds for my insomnia which kept me awake for days and antianxiety meds for my panic attacks I’d have every single fucking day. I was also on antidepressants, guess why. None of these really helped me and I was going to a therapist and a psychiatrist 3 times a week. The funny thing I remember leading up to my suicide attempt was that I told my therapist very clearly that I was indeed going to kill myself. SHE LAUGHED ME OFF AND SAID I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. Jesus I hope that ***** loses her licence for being the most incompetent fucking ‘therapist’ on earth. Anyway, all I could think about was the pain. It was there, every day, every moment, every thought. Oh, of course I was also a heavy cutter, I would cut every day and just watch my blood dribbling down my arms and away. I would carve my fathers name into my arms and use my blood to paint pictures of him because even though he threatened to kill me every time he was home, which was only about once a week, and even though he beat me and my mother, at least he was more of a parent for a little while there when I was younger than my mom ever was. When I was little I just remember her staying in her room all day doped out on pain meds. She would come trying to me after dad beat her and refused to ever leave him after I begged her to. I just felt so fucking helpless because I was just panicky and crying and kind of crazy from lack of sleep and nothing felt like it mattered. I didn’t feel like anyone would ever love me or be there for me or get why I felt this way or understand that yes I am a bit of an aggressive person and I lose my temper and I can be hard to deal with but it’s just because I was around so much fucking craziness and I never got the love or parenting a kids supposed to get. All I’ve ever wanted all my life is for people to see me for who I am and understand me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be close to a friend, I’ve had a few but they never really tried to understand me. I just need to be held and told that I do matter to someone, anyone. Because living in the life of an abusive drug addict just makes you feel absolutely 110% worthless. All I’ve ever wanted was to feel like someone cared, like someone really even wanted me here. I mean really, I know that I’m not special, there isn’t anything about me that is in all reality. I just wish I knew what it felt like to have a dad that loves you or a friend group that cares about you and is there for you or to even just be accepted in group settings. I’ve always been on the outside looking in. Suicide seemed right because I just don’t ever really see it being any different. I try so hard to find people in my life that can give me the love I need to feel like it’s worth it. All I ever wanted was for my dad to love me. Ha ha ha how so cliche, right? But hey, it can’t be helped. As I said, I’m not special.
Sorry for the psychobabel.
2 comments
I’m genuinely sorry for all you’ve been through so far in your life. You’ve been through so much, but please know all the stuff you’ve been through makes you an even stronger person; there’s a least one positive you can pull out of all that negative! That therapist you mentioned totally sucks; I also hope she’s lost her license by now! The first therapist I ever had was when I was thirteen, and he told me I’m wasting the state’s money by not talking; it was really hard for me to talk at that age, and I’d always answer questions with “I don’t know.” I’m so glad you’re still here; I know you’ll be able to make it through, but you just need to find strength. I understand what it’s like to have an unloving father; we don’t even have contact, and it’s been that way for about fourteen years. I understand how hard it is because we want our parents to love us, but think of it as their problem; it’s their fault they don’t want to be an important role in our life. I’ve only got one friend, and I’m so thankful for her; I’ve got online friends, but they’re different than having a friend I can talk on the phone and hang out with. Basically nobody likes me because I’m a fat ass loner with depression and anxiety, but I wouldn’t like me either; I hate myself! Although I haven’t had as tough of a life as you, I have faith you’ll be able to make it through; as I said earlier, you’re a very strong person! Thank you for sharing this with us; I hope you found some relief from it! I wish the very best for you! I send you my strength to make it through these tough times.
i am in tears right now because i too grew up in a family of dysfunction abusive drug addicts my story is diffrent but i know what it feels like to feel worthless and not good enough even to the ppl that are suppose to love u unconditionally i was bullied at school and at home my stepmother was phyco she made sure i knew everyday i was worthless she would get my half brothers and sisters to pick on me it was like family game night anyway this is about u not me i am older and although my story is different then urs i know that u can make it i have so much more to share with u but i have to go to work now i will share more later if u want u are not worthless AND U ARE SPECIAL !!! u have found the strength to reach out and that tells me u are also smart and brave 🙂