Sick of Hurting People

My name is Rachael. Im 17 and I have always been screwed over by guys. But what I do is I let them walk all over me and I will still be the one that apologises. I do the same thing with my “friends” to, they can bully me and screw me over as much as they want and I still wont care. you know why? Because I’m so scared of being alone.
Well, I’ve had my heart broken that many times that I have pretty much ruined the only good guy that I’ve met. I have a boyfriend at the moment… lets call him…. Dean. Well the other night I got smashed (really drunk) for the first time. Well, “Dean” dropped my friend “Sam” and I down at bateo at 7:45  and we hung at the carnival for a bit the started walking to my place cause I had to be home by 9:30. Well we’re walking and we stop at the beach and I sit on the swing and I’m holding “Sam” around the waist and trying to get him to kiss me and all this shit. (I never do anything like this) and then “Sam” and I move over to the benches and I push him onto the chair and I’m sitting on top of him trying to get him to kiss again but he still refuses. Then we move to the grass and I make him lay down on it and I’m ontop of him kissing his kneck and head and then I lay next to him and run my hand from his cheeck down to his crutch and start giving him an over the pants handjob. Now, he’s not stopping me. he actually seemed like he was enjoying it. So, I place my hand under his pants and start playing with his penis, giving him a handjob. (now he’s friends with my ex, Will, and was always telling him how good I am at blowjobs) so I ask him if he wants me to go down and blow him and he says yes. So I do. But then we decided to move away from the road and go down to the beach, so we did. So we’re down at the beach and I’m giving him head, he’s telling to go harder and faster untill he came in my mouth. Then we fixed oursleves up and he walked me home.
NOW. My boyfriend “Dean” Is so amazing and perfect. He’s always being cute and telling me I’m beautiful and all that. He takes me out to lunch and dinner and is always buying me cool stuff. I love him. And I’ve screwed him over. And “Sam” has a girlfriend so now hes hurting, cause he is crazy for her, and everytime I see “Dean” I want to break down and cry, cause he’s just so oblivious….. I would literally rather die than hurt “Dean”. I’ve hurt “Sam”, I “Dean” finds out he will be crushed. And I’m not someone to do this kind of thing. I’m a recovering cutter and in the last 2 months I’ve been to hospital 3 times because of suicide attempts. I feel I’ve pushed myself passed breaking point and that I might not even make it to the hospital this time…. I need help.