Please report if inappropriate…just thinking I need to open up about some things, maybe it’s time I let things out…
It’s strange how things occur…and how dangerous a unstable state of mind can be. A lot of times, it happens in a split second…no elaborate plans…no thoughts of consequence or pain inflicted on others…
Once…very accidentally, and something I have regretted (morbid as it might seem), driving on the highway…innocently minding my own business, a car heading in the opposite direction got side-swiped, jumped the median barrier and landed right in front of me…Â I still regret swerving out (purely out of instinct)…not only because it would have been an easy way out but also because it would have saved the life of the driver next to me that got hit instead…
On another occasion, also while driving, something just snapped inside. It happened so fast that it was almost as if it wasn’t me…like my brain had a mind of it’s own…in a split second I purposely veered off the road, crashing my car through a off-ramp barrier. I crashed twenty meters head over heals down an embankment, flipping three times and landed in a swamp. My car was written off, I had lost my medic-alert bracelet…and the paramedic got zapped on the butt by a loose electric fence I had clipped on the way down….me? not a mark, not a cut, not a bruise…(damn those hospital blankets are warm and cozy)
Waking up in the recovery room of a hospital after a kidney stone removal…unable to breath. As I’m lying there, struggling and panicking, grabbing at the nurses arm to get their attention, I suddenly thought… “No! This is it!…Finally!”…eventually ended up in icu for a week… Unconfirmed spontanious lung collapse…and again, I sabbotaged my chances by reaching out for help.
Other lessons I have learnt along the way? Anti-Epileptics will just give you a massive hangover and nausia that will last for days (you Don’t wanna go there) … hanging is not as quick and painless as you might think, plus, you can end up with permanent damage to your trachia…making it difficult to swallow.
Moral of the story…
1. If you have bad thoughts, Seek Help! because they take on a mind of their own…
2. Most suicides occur out of desperation and not with planning before hand…the latter is just a warning sign and acting on it is usually just a cry for help…a very valid one.
3. The consequences of failure…is usually worse than the initial motivation…
In short…getting help, is a better escape than the alternative…
7 comments
Sometimes getting help isnt an option and we deal wth the cards weve drawn
And usually…it seems the deck is stacked against you…
@Molly, agreed.
What PhantomShadow says has to be stamped on our minds. A sloppy attempt is more of a problem than a solution.
Ive given up on pills after 13 goes i accept i totally suck at suiside although i know enough valium will stop you breathing i digress things are pretty shitty at the moment depressed as hell for the last month nothing seems to help.i recently reached crisis point and ended up getting picked up by the police and taken to a respite house for a couple of weeks.it didnt solve the problem i left still feeling very depressed i had a shit load of morphine and whatnot but my psychologist made me destroy it or she was going to take it a step further in short ive spent a whole month suffering in silence crying my eyes out wishing the pain would end i dont know what to do anymore im burnt out and loosing interest in life again
@theunknown777: Respectfully, I think reasonably intelligent people understand that an attempt can go horribly wrong. We attempt because to us it seems the best option.
molly: I hear ya…those respite houses is just there to “calm” you down…they don’t do anything that really help you…that is unless you have “natural” depression. With chemical inbalance, in the end, it’s just you and the medication. My shrink, on finding out I had bipolar, just shrugged and said there’s nothing left to do and cancelled my appointments with her…psych’s care about nothing but the medication. You end up with no one to talk to and a hand full of pills. You just have to stay on top of the meds and get your psych to adjust the dosage’s as quick as possible when you notice somethin’s off.
My lithium test can’t come soon enough…I need my meds fixed as I even found my self trying to burn my self with cigarettes again. I hate it that medicine works like a heaven sent the first couple of months but then slowly but surely over time, becomes useless.
That’s the only thing that can keep you afloat if your depression stems from a chemical inbalance and not “natural causes”. It’s a never ending battle. I’d give anyting to be depressed for a reason…
I’ve been so desperate once, I was able to hold my breath till I passed out…that takes some doing, let me tell ya…no matter how strong your will, the moment you loos contiousness, your bodies own survival instinct kicks in and after that…you don’t want to feel the after affects of waking up from that.