Hi Guys,
Sorry it’s so late… I just don’t feel like posting anymore… I don’t feel like continuing with these daily posts… I just don’t feel like writing things down anymore. I think it’s better for me and for everyone if I just bottle things up. So…. I think I’m going to stop… I’ll keep writing… Just not every day… If you didn’t see one of my last posts about this topic here it is:
ive decided to bottle things up again. ive decided that it doesnt matter if im breaking, broken, or perfectly fine. it doesnt matter that i want a hug. it doesnt matter that i feel so broken and in pain at times. it doesnt matter. me. i dont matter. my feelings dont matter. everything about me doesnt matter. what matters if you guys are okay. if you are okay good. i dont matter. it doesnt matter. my life. my feelings. my pain. it doesnt matter at all. what so ever.
ive also decided that im going to start lying. if you ask me how i am ill lie. or ill just ignore it. it doesnt mean if im good or bad. it just means you dont need to know my status because it doesnt matter. if you ask me ill lie or i just wont answer. because when it comes to me nothing matters really. i dont matter.
ive decided to bottle things up. to lie again. its for the best. its better for everyone. then you dont worry about me. then you dont panic. i dont see why you even worry about me. i dont see why you even care. am i that special? am i that special that i should live?
just three words: i dont matter. two more: you do
How am I? That information does not matter. I am neither good. I am neither bad. What I feel does not matter.
Here’s your monologue thing:
sometimes i get these thoughts. these suicidal thoughts. i dont feel like living. i feel like i should die. that i should submit into the black abyss of nothingness. and just say goodbye. actually dont say goodbye and just have everyone think that im fine. because its been like that. you may think im fine. i have never been fine. ive been lying. im not fine. im not ok. im not good. i mask my pain. i fake a smile. i cry at night. why. because i dont matter. it doesnt matter. my feelings. they dont matter at all. what so ever. i guess its fine. if you go and leave me. i mean everyone will in the end. i just thought maybe you would stick by me. but then again. my personal saying is you before me. so i guess it doesnt matter if i need someone right as you go. i guess it doesnt matter that when you go i feel so alone and worthless. i guess it doesnt matter that when im alone i feel so worthless i get too close to the edge. i guess it doesnt matter that i want to die. i guess i dont matter. i dont matter. i do not matter.
Au Demain
10 comments
Hello.
A suggestion may be that perhaps you could make your posts on a weekly, fortnightly or even monthly basis? I tend to do that with my own pseudo-journal and it leaves me plenty of space to rethink and breathe. It’s just a thought.
I think some people on here beg to differ whether you matter or not, I am one of those people. Take some time off to think.
Bon chance, mon ami
Hey LetitGo,
Would you lie to me if I asked you how are you? I matter enough for you to be honest to me? I have tried, I have followed you since you been here. You wanna know why? Because I care for you, I want to see you out of depression and hopefully help you find happiness. I dont want you to end up like me. Your special becuase you are human. Your special becuase you have a caring heart and I see it and have seen it. Your just hurting, your in pain, lost and searching for love and acceptance. You deserve to continue living.
Dont stop posting. I will read everyday just like OLIR even up to 1000th post. Ill be here for you. So dont bottle yourself up becuase the bottle will succumb to the building pressure and break. Instead day by day empty this bottle, fix the bottle up, and then refill it with something that will not break it.
So remember people will be here for you, Including me, becuase you do matter and you matter to us. You matter to yourself.
LetItGo, I couldn’t agree more with the Great Koji! I could give the Koji the biggest man hug. He and I are here for you, because you care and it is our responsibility to show you that.
I meant to write. Because you matter and it is our responsibility to show you.
The koji and OnlyLoveisReal, wow you guys are amazing. I hope letitgo gets to see this….and i also wish that everyone who was depressed could have a person like you guys to say those nice words to them. It would save so many lives…
OLIR, you brought smile to my face. \:)/
But thank you for being here for LetitGo.
4getmenotLorelei, thank you so much for your kind words, it honestly means alot to hear that. If you need anyone to talk to or listen im here for you.
Take care.
Koji, I am here for you too. If you ever have a day like a few days ago, write me. Heck, write for any reason.
Thank you OLIR! Same here email if you need help or just wanna talk anytime, anyplace 🙂
My email is: Mr.kojak1410 @ gmail.com
Excellent! Koji.
In case you don’t have it, or for others out there
Captainsquirrel123 at gmail dot com
Thanks Koji! I appreciate all you do for LetItGo and all the other great souls here. You are truly a great soul.