For eight years I had maintained the defenses of my mind. They protected me from the pain of existence; they allowed me function, to act, like a normal human being. And they kept me alive. I was living a lonely life, but I was content.
And then I met you. Something happened. The walls in my mind shook, shifted, and I felt a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time. A desire to get to know this person. A desire to want this person in my life.
I was scared. I had spent so long keeping my distance from people. As I got to know you better, the feelings intensified. This is a person I want in my life. THE person I want in my life.
It had been eight years, I should be ready for this. So I faced my fears and I asked you out. And you said yes!
As we began dating, and getting to know each other better I was filled with the feeling of happiness. Something I hadn’t felt in a very, very long time. I knew I had to take it slow; I didn’t want to screw this up. I was surprised when you began to move the relationship forward. It made me think that you felt this too, that what we were forging was right.
As the relationship moved forward I began to realize that my defenses were getting in the way. I wasn’t able to let go completely and let myself fall in love. But I wanted this. I wanted you. So I faced my fears again, and let all my defenses down so I could let you in, so I could love you.
With the defenses down, the darkness of my mind began to close in on me. The Beast, sensing my happiness started taking swipes at me, causing me more depressed days than usual. But there was this light in mind, you, that illuminated the darkness and it gave my mind space to begin to rebuild the walls. The designs were new; they had to be built to still allow you in. Not just you, other people too. I still needed protection, but not to the extreme that I had built in the past.
Just as I was beginning the process of building, the light went out. With nothing there to protect me, the darkness engulfed me. The Beast saw this moment of weakness and attacked.
I was defenseless. The Beast knows how to hurt me. I was beaten and broken. The Beast dragged me to the edge. The Beast wanted me dead and I could do nothing to stop it.
I had one trick left up my sleeve. The deal. I had made a deal with the Beast a long time ago. There are two people in this world I couldn’t bear to hurt. I promised the Beast that when those people were gone the Beast could have complete control. I wasn’t afraid to die. I so wanted to give in. But when I thought of the two I began to plead with the Beast.
The Beast began to back off. It had broken me completely. It knew it’s time would come. It would enjoy watching me struggle in the years to come. It knew it had won, and it would be patient for its prize.
So here I am now. I am rebuilding my defenses. I’ve scrapped the new plans. I’m going back to the old tried and true plans. There will be new defenses as well. “I am unlovable.†To protect me from allowing myself to believe someone actually loves or cares about, so I don’t allow myself to want to fall in love and lower the defenses again. “I don’t deserve to be happy.†The Beast hates it when I’m happy. It thinks I will go back on the deal, or change the terms. This defense will keep the Beast at bay.
I cannot risk falling in love again. I know I will never be loved back. And when the object of my love leaves as they always do, I don’t think I can fight off the Beast again. I’m a weak, pathetic man. I can’t hurt the two, so I cannot risk my life for love ever again.
1 comment
Love is the desire to become a part of someone, their life, their emotions, their thoughts, their everything – all because of a deep, personal adoration for them and captivation by their physical and intangible beauty. Love makes you extremely vulnerable, as it is an emotion that compels you to go out on a limb to approach them and let your desire be known. This of course allows for rejection that can be beyond heartwrenching, I know exactly what you mean. Even after the fact of approaching them and it being reciprocated, opening up to someone and spilling your soul and heart into them, only to have them shatter, exploit and abandon it is petrifying with agony. There are so many emotions that come from a person violating your love and care for them: betrayal, disappointment in them and yourself, self blame, anger, frustration, hopelessness, despair, it’s rough.
Blaming yourself is nonsensical as only they are in control of their actions and what they do and their reaction to circumstances is a product of their mind and theirs alone. It can be influenced by things, but how they deal with such is on their part, you did not force them to do anything. If they can’t handle being in a relationship with you whether to incompatibility or any other hinderance, that’s a reflection of them, not you.