You don’t have to read the rest of this, I just couldn’t help myself once I started. The questions in the title!
Right now I want to die. I’ve never felt it this strongly before. But then that stupid feeling of how it will affect my family keeps creeping in. Any ideas on how to get over it.
I keep fantasizing about death. It makes me smile now. And I feel like I should kill myself now before the other girl comes back. The girl who is smarter, possibly. The girl who will always be too chicken to go through with it. But right now I need to get over the whole family issue.
I was looking at over dosing on sleeping pills with the added affect of alcohol. And I hope by some form of karma maybe I’ll get to go peacefully and fall into that nice gentle sleep- which is bullshit because it simply sounds too good to be true.
Long gone is the hope that if I get out of this hellhole of a town that I will suddenly get better and realize the good in life. No- I’m starting to understand that this- what I’m feeling right now- is not something that goes away with moving around.
I hate who I am, I hate who I’m becoming, and I hate having to go into my room, and want so badly for everything to just end, simple as that. But no,I have to lie there and think because I cant turn my fucking brain off. Â I have to think about all the shit that’s happened in my life and all the beautiful crap that awaits me.
Crying doesn’t work anymore, but of course I still cry. I don’t want to cut because all I’m left with is scars that remind me every time I see them that I’m stuck like this forever.
I have exams next year and school is killing me. My friends are all moving past me in areas of there life’s and I’m happy for them all but I cant help but feel so so jelous, which then of course makes me hate myself even more.
They say that we choose our own life in heaven or whatever and I kinda believe in all of it because the end at of the day it softens the blow of death. But anyways I just want to commend my former self, that chose this life for me, that you are one stupid cruel , ************ and I don’t give a shit if I’m suppose to come out of this life with some lesson that I’m supposed to learn because there is no way that it is worth it or that what I’m doing everyday right now can be considered living. Unless my lesson is that life is shit and that I should never come back again, then consider that lesson well and truly learned.
2 comments
Hi caillte… School is tough. To be honest, I don’t miss it. I’ve had the opportunity to return to school and I’m making slow progress… It’s something that’s a necessary evil. Education, on average, is an asset to your future.
I know that school is contributing to your world of pain. If there are things you can do to get through it, try to do them. Study with peers? Speak with teachers? Seek extra help? Google for strategies? Once you finish school, you’re done… and you can move forward in the direction you want to.
Thinking about things can really hurt… I know from experience. It’s really helpful to have some downtime… no school… no stress… no deadlines… just time to relax for a bit. Movie? Hobby? Walk? Something like that…
Don’t hate yourself. There is no reason to do that… You deserve the best you can give yourself.
It’s possible that getting away from your town really will help. I don’t know how your school is, but if you can hold on until you’re done then you should at least try it. Being in a whole new place, exposed to new places and people and experiences, it can make a huge difference. If money is an issues (it was for me) there are ways to get it. If you don’t have help from family get a loan. If you don’t have credit for a loan then get a credit card right now so you’ll have it when the time comes. Find a job, any job, either as soon as you get there or before. You can always change it later.
At the very least, even if you don’t move somewhere else, at least let it be something to look forward to. Start planning. Even if you don’t make it, even you do decide to die, at least you tried. And maybe just maybe it *will* happen and it will make your life awesome.