Hey guys, I’m pretty new here. So have patience as I try to learn how things work. Anyway, here goes my rant/story.
I don’t remember where I read it, but referring to the title of my post, this quote went along the lines of describing depression like a cold. The good food is there to eat, but you just can’t taste it. In the same way, the good in life is there, the beauty is there, but you can’t grasp it. I can see it, I can’t grasp it. And when I do, it’s fleeting. That hurts. It’s like I only exist now to please my loved ones.
I’m 19. I suffer from extreme anxiety. I don’t have a job or my license. On top of the anxiety making it very difficult to achieve those things, the darkness keeps whispering, “Why bother? You want to kill yourself anyway. Why bother with anything? All you’re good for is dead.”
I used to be able to just push those thoughts off to the side, but things are getting worse. I can’t hold in these “demons” (if you call them that) anymore. Speaking of demons, I’ve also had my mother tell me that maybe there’s a demonic oppression influencing me. Mind you, I don’t do satanic rituals or anything. I don’t provoke spirits. I’m religious, I love the Lord. But He just doesn’t comfort me. I’ve turned to cutting just a few months ago, not really as a way of coping…but more along the lines of liking to see the blood. I associate blood with death, where many others may associate it with life. I started cutting mainly to build my courage to get to the vital areas of my body that maybe one day I can go deep enough. It’s the next closest thing to death I suppose.
I don’t want this to be a long post, but like many of you on here I’ve been depressed for a long time. Too long in fact. They always say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but after 6+ years and counting, this is no longer a temporary problem. I’ve tried many things to help get me out of my slump. I’m in therapy again (for the 5th time) on medication (again) and was in the hospital for about a week last month. Let me tell you, that was hell. But I guess it was nice to be able to talk to people about the self harm and the thoughts and the plain old “We’re sick in the head” without the cringing or the looks of concern or judgment we get from people “outside” the world of mental illness.
So every day I look for different methods I might use to kick the bucket if I get to that tipping point (and believe me, I’m close).
I took the rope part of my robe off that you use to fasten the robe around your body and tied one end to the bed post and the other around my neck, sometimes I’ll just sit there like that. I’ve wrapped it so tight I’ve almost passed out. I don’t know why I don’t go further. I’ve thought about trying to OD, but my main fear is surviving and being brain dead or something. If I’m really going to go through with it, I want it to be successful. I’ve also been reading on hypothermia, and as it’s pretty cold here, why not give it a shot?
I’ve tried to talk to a priest to maybe understand more of why I’d go to hell if I killed myself. He said that life is a gift, and if I gave you a gift and you threw it away, how do you think I’d feel? I guess I can understand that, but when he started telling me I needed to start thinking logically, I didn’t get offended, but almost felt like, “Haha, what’s logic anymore?”
I don’t know. My mind is always on when and how I’ll die. I’ve already prepared my suicide notes. I may go over them again. The worst part is what I’m going to do to my family. I’m making them hurt by being alive in this state, and I’d make them hurt by being gone. So what do I do? Just act all happy-go-lucky for them? I don’t know. Living simply for their well-being is becoming too exhausting.
Everyone suggests helping others in volunteering, but if I can’t help myself, how can I help others?
I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. I’m so frustrated with existence itself.
14 comments
Oh “the gift” that everyone speaks of….a gift that can be enjoyed and used in healthy ways by all means is a wonderful thing. But think of the gifts that don’t get used or make more problems than ever before. Like getting a vile of crack from a friend for the first time, a puppy that you can’t take care of or a pair of shoes that do not fit(and you can’t exchange them because you don’t have a receipt.)
Where I’m going with this is not every life has the same gift characteristics. And some of the individuals that are given this unique opportunity, simply can’t enjoy it or use it towards any potential. Which is acceptable, letting the gift siton the shelf or not accepting it?
Not an easy question to answer by any means.
That’s a good way to put it. Sometimes the gifts just weren’t meant to be. Sometimes they were just given to the wrong person. I wish I could see the light. I wish I could grasp the concept of “life”. And you’re right.
Either letting this “gift” of life sit on the shelf or be refused is equivalent to being in a rock and a hard place. What is the right choice? How do you answer that? You’re doomed either way.
I volunteered at Samaritans on their suicide hotline answering calls. I would answer 20 to 25 calls in a four hour shift. I found most who called were not suicidal, but just needed someone to listen. It gave me perspective on my own situation. It also kept me from sleeping. Every single call would roll around in my head when I tried to sleep. How do I help all these depressed people crying over the phone? I still remember most of these calls. So, it did take my mind off of myself. It helped me see there are people worse off than me dealing with shit that would make my head spin, put me in tears sometimes
I’ve thought about calling a suicide hotline. God bless you and those people for doing their best to listen to the distressed people on the other line.
First off, forget what your priest said. Who cares how he feels??!! You are the one hurting, you are the one whose feelings need to be greatly considered. The thing is you are a seperate person from your family. Yes, it hurts when we see ones we love in pain, but that doesn’t absolve you from being you. You don’t ask for this; you don’t put this upon yourself. If you knew how to be happy, you would be. Best wishes and take care.
Also, I have called the suicide hotline (probably won’t be the last time either). It helped. I am still here.
You worded that greatly. I think that really helps me feel a little less guilty for feeling the way I do, looking on as my family watches me “waste away” as my grandmother cried to me once. You’re right. If I knew how to be happy you know damn well I would. You take care of yourself too. Thanks for your comment. I always greatly appreciate it.
I think you’re right (I’m no professional though). Depression to me is like a viral infection of the brain.. and just like a cold is a viral infection and can’t be treated – they just wait for the immune system to take care of it and simply treat the symptoms – just like that they treat depression too. Just throw a bunch of brain chemistry altering meds at it and see what works and what not. Often make it much worse too.
Medicine is really not that evolved unfortunately.
Anyway, don’t listen to your mother – she sounds seriously lacking in the brain department. Who in their right mind would say something so idiotic to their child?!
I wouldn’t say my mother is lacking in the brain department. She’s been a great support for me for a long time. Being as we are a religious family, I can see where the idea of “demons” or “evil spirits” playing a role in whispering the little subtle lies on why you should kill yourself seems like a plausible answer. I know I’m mentally ill. So I’m not saying I’m possessed by evil spirits.
I won’t go deep into the religious stuff, but I can safely say that I do believe the devil will try anything he can to destroy us….and by God it’s really working with me. I’ve got one foot in the grave I think. What’s keeping me? Fear? Guilt? Damnation to hell? Or all of it combined? Who knows. Sometimes I think it’s gonna take me having to attempt suicide and survive in order for me to realize life maybe is better then I think.
If that really works, do you think there would be posts like “I’ve had 4 attempts, is that too many?”
Religion can be a great comfort and can give you all the tools and support to resist temptation. Please use them! Just like people recover from colds, you can recover from this too. You say it’s been too long, and I’d say – that only means it’s about time for things to get better.
The age old fight between good and evil….inside yourself.
Does the devil speak to you or leave notes?
I don’t hear voices, it’s hard to explain the little “whispers”. It’s more like reoccurring thoughts and images that I have. The devil doesn’t outright speak to me, and I’m not trying to say that this is all the devil and that I’m not sick. I am sick. And you’re right Gillian. Religion can be a great support….I’ve just lost all comfort in faith. And I’m not saying attempting suicide and surviving is the cure to make us all want to live again. We’re all different. Maybe it’s just what I need to do to truly begin the healing process. But I don’t know. I don’t know what I need anymore
I think that sometimes all that we need is simply time.
The hardest thing is to believe that things could change, that it could get better. It’s the hardest thing – hope. Especially after being depressed for years and years.
But it is possible. Maybe sometimes it’s not about trying to do something about it and despair of failure. Maybe sometimes we just have to wait it out. Just like a very very long bad cold. Maybe all we have to do is simply hold on.
Yeah….I’ve heard that a lot. To wait. Wait wait wait. I know I can be very impatient with myself lol. Hopefully I and a lot of us on here will continue to hang on