denying death( by a malaysian)

Well, this is my story. My first attempt to suicide when i was 16+. My true suffering when i started my IGCSE studies at the age of 15. According to my seniors, it was a year that supposedly has no room for fun and games. So i studied and really put in a lot of effort to work smart. Unfortunately, i was disadvantaged due to the fact of not having friends to support you when you need them the most and having a family that ask’s too much of results from you not knowing that they hurt you psychologically and physically. Meaning physically by the effects of depression in proper dieting and exercise that my body needed to maintain fresh
My parents and my brother couldn’t care less about my stress accumulation and my feelings during that time. All they did was loathe and pressured me every single day of my life. That was not the worst, in high school during the year 2012, i was bullied with injustice and the culprits always ‘get away with it’. My teachers and parents only blamed for the outcome even though i stayed away from my culprits and was never the one who would hurt people for amusement. Bullying affected my high school records and gave a bad impression to other people. I became lonely and misunderstood . I always got picked on(even by girls) because i’m slightly different in social status and what i currently have. Hooligans and ruffians used to come and beat me up and get away with it. My studies were mostly affected especially in group works where people would rather avoid me thinking i’m sort of a loser and a pathetic slob that has nothing to offer in life. I started to see the true reality of cruel the world can be if you do not have a place in society. Sometimes i even envy others that do not appreciate their social situation in terms of not being able to booze out with friends for one day, and it’s a big deal in my turf.
That destroyed my mentality and psychological reasoning abilities. I started questioning “Why is life only fair to some dickheads who deserve die?”. Dickheads(my term)- enjoy hurting people(emotionally) for self amusement. My studies dropped, so did my morale and my freedom in my so called Asian Indian family fell. I had no one who really sought me as a friend or someone special. I felt i had no place.
The final blow to my self esteem when my parents raged at me for messing up my trial examinations for the IGCSE’s they cancelled my tuition, they destroyed my resources of learning out of blind rage made me feel worthless like a failure. All my brother did was make a mockery like everyone else in my so called society. The time i went insane was on September 23rd 2013. I took a knife, climbed outside my house to the roof at night and tried to slit my wrist, Thick hot blood was gushing out of my veins . Yet i kept doing it like it was something fun. It was the end, i felt it, i was overjoyed that my suffering would end. Not like anyone would remember me. Then some part of my fate prevented me. It was the other me in my soul. The part of me that looks forward to the slightest ounce of hope. That split personality gave me an advice. It said” Buddy, don’t give up now, you have made this far to excel your exams, i know who you are and you would rather die trying than to give easily. you are not a coward, If you were a coward you would have not have the guts to pull through the hardest part of high school and you probably pray to god relying the thought that he will provide you a better next life. Do not listen or submit to the people who have hurt you the most including family. The only person who can chose to change destiny is you and you only. You have the power to change the thoughts of others with smart work and sheer will. Do not give up your life, realize that you are better than this, better than all those dickheads out there. You will make it if you listen to me your heart. You will survive the hardest with sheer will till death. It’s not how you fight against the shitty part of life, it’s how you take the hits get up and keep moving foward with the right mindset. Now go out there and prove to yourself that you can love yourself, respect yourself and fight to protect the right beliefs.
With that renowned willpower, i went back and started to focus and plan on pulling through the final stage of highschool. It turned out well when i got 4A stars and 3B’s for my igcse’s. But there’s one thing that will always haunt me. I will not be able to forgive my family no matter what although i want to by heart and will never forgive the other people who have hurt and enforced me that i was no good.I want to shout out and tell me family how wrong they were but they meant well despite using more frugal methods. Now i am studying my a levels. I hope that things will turn out better and the burning fire inside will never die till death to me part.