why am I here

I so understand you killmealready. To be honest, I already feel dead inside.
I have tried everything the past few years to get out of this depression that seems like a bottomless hole: have tried every antidepressant, cognitive behavioral therapy, psychotherapy twice (which actually made me far worse), etc etc.
I wanted to try everything to show people around me (and there aren’t that many) that i genuinely tried to get better.
I ve been wanting to kill myself for quite a while but doctors speeches etc made me want to believe that things would get better.
But it’s been 7 years and nothing has changed. In fact, it’s got a lot worse.
I can’t even talk to people about this (friends, family) as they have no clue what i feel like inside. All they say is: ‘snap out of it’, or just do this, do that (go out, go to the gym etc – but i would if i could but i don’t have the bloody motivation to do these things). Also, they all say that i feel sorry for myself, that i am a victim, that i pity myself, that i am a freak etc. I find these comments so mean and so not true. I am just telling them how i feel, that’s all. Over the last 7 years, I have seen all my friends cut contact with me, one by one (even a friend who i had known for 20 years).
I am coming to the end of my second attempt at psychotherapy and told my therapist that i could not see any improvement at all and that i was at the end of my rope. Nobody will be able to say that i did not try.
I am just sorry for my mum, as i don’t want to hurt her. But i told her many times how i felt and i think she understands (having tried to commit suicide herself).
Of course I am also scared of what happens after you die, is it nothingness or is there something else? But does it really matter? Whether it’s today, next week, next year or in 20 years time, we are all going to die anyway. I just want to pain and endless struggle to stop now. I believe that is my right. And i also like the fact that it is me who decide the where, when and how i will die.
A lot of people say that suicide is a very selfish act. I so disagree with them. It’s them who are selfish by making us feel guilty to want to die. They clearly have no clue whatsoever of the pain we feel.

I want to make 2 more points:
When people say that suicide is a very selfish act, they say it’s because of the pain you would cause relatives/friends. But what about OUR pain??? So, i should stay alive and suffer so relatives (which would be just my mum and brother) don’t suffer?
So who’s really selfish? If they could make the effort to understand the kind of pain we are in, they would accept our decision and maybe think ‘well at least now he/she’s in peace, not suffering anymore’. That is how I think anyway. The only exception for me is if the person who wants to die has children (especially young ones). Don’t do that. Your children will carry that pain for the rest of their lives. And they need their parents. I know what i am talking about as both my parents tried to kill themselves in front of me (my dad when i was 10 and mum when i was 14). Obviously, that does not give you the best start in life and in my case, has probably contributed to make me devalue my life completely.

The other thing i wanted to mention is: what’s the point of all that anyway? I mean life.
What’s our purpose? How can you live a life without a purpose?

Anyway, sorry for the long post. Any replies/views would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.