I can relate to some of what you are sharing, and I am sorry there appear to be few resources or options. Unfortunately, there’s not much I can practically do to help.
Hey im curious where are you from originally? Just a thought, but why not wait and see the outcome of the legal issues? It might be stressful in the mean time, but maybe things will work out in your favour.
Well with the exception of our gender difference I can easily say I know how you feel. I’m 37 average looking, I’m living in a apartment (use to have a house) and cannot for the life of me meet a significant other and when I do I fuck it up some how with my insecurities. No major accomplishments except going back to school to earn a degree in health care as a mature student however like relationships have messed up several opportunities due to anxiety/depression etc. I have been slowly weeding out friends who I no longer connect with and really don’t care about the decision.
I also know how you feel about know one caring.
Hope things get better for you soon, and for what it’s worth “I care” because I can relate to how you feel.
I never dreamt my life could get this bad. It used to be good in the other country, but then my relationship fell apart and not long after I was raped. A person I worked with found out about the rape in the newspaper and was able to figure out it was me somehow. I started to get sexually harrassed at work, and then when I complained I lost my job. I was working as a welder at the time, and thats a male dominated industry, and over where I was, I could not get my voice heard. I wish the rapist had killed me. The police didn’t take the case to court even though I had evidence. Six months later my rapist and 7 of his friends gang raped another girl, and then I found out that this asshole had raped 4 other girls prior to raping me AND WAS CONVICTED. He was never convicted for raping me though. I will never understand. I have PTSD due to all of this and have also been diagnosed bi-polar. I am tired of doctors and hospitals. Nothing can take the pain away. And to top it off I could be sued due to an ignorant mistake I made in a manic phase. I have never had a criminal record, and if I get fined or thrown in jail I won’t be able to live with it. I had already tried suicide before this whole suing thing came into place. I overdosed and wound up in the hospital. I had already been in the hospital in my other country due to threatening suicide, and while I was there I also attempted suicide. I have had three attempts in all. This time I have to get it right. Right now I am researching the helium method. I have to get it right this time.
I never dreamt my life could get this bad. It used to be good in the other country, but then my relationship fell apart and not long after I was raped. A person I worked with found out about the rape in the newspaper and was able to figure out it was me somehow. I started to get sexually harrassed at work, and then when I complained I lost my job. I was working as a welder at the time, and thats a male dominated industry, and over where I was, I could not get my voice heard. I wish the rapist had killed me. The police didn’t take the case to court even though I had evidence. Six months later my rapist and 7 of his fr
iends gang raped another girl, and then I found out that this asshole had raped 4 other girls prior to raping me AND WAS CONVICTED. He was never convicted for raping me though. I will never understand. I have PTSD due to all of this and have also been diagnosed bi-polar. I am tired of doctors and hospitals. Nothing can take the pain away. And to top it off I could be sued due to an ignorant mistake I made in a manic phase. I have never had a criminal record, and if I get fined or thrown in jail I won’t be able to live with it. I had already tried suicide before this whole suing thing came into place. I overdosed and wound up in the hospital. I had already been in the hospital in my other country due to threatening suicide, and while I was there I also attempted suicide. I have had three attempts in all. This time I have to get it right. Right now I am researching the helium method. I have to get it right this time.
Hi Sabre,
I am living in Canada. I know the idea about waiting it out. I have tried to convince myself of that as well. But life just never works out for me. I don’t want to live and see the result of what is to be. Even if I don’t get sued I don’t think I want to live. I want to die and hopefully make it to heaven to see my dad and Buffy. Buffy was a pet rabbit I had for 8 years, and I know it sounds stupid but aside from my ex, she was the best friend I ever had. I used to even take her for walks. But then during one of the walks she had a seisure and died. She was crying and it broke my heart. I picked her up but she screamed so I set her back on the grass where she took her last breaths. She was such a nice bunny, she purred and followed me everywhere and
slept on my bed. She was funny too and used to steal my chocolates. I still cant get the vision of her lying there screaming. I can’t have any other animals now. I tried adopting two rabbits but in my small room, it was impossible to keep after them. Then I worried that if something happens to me and nobody finds me, than they would starve, so I gave them back to the petstore.
Thanks for caring TBone. I wish you lived closer to me so we could talk. People always comment about how quiet I am, but thats because I just don’t have anything normal to say. How do you tell people that the last few years of your life youve been raped, lost your bestfriend who was a bunny), attempted suicide multiple times and that you fucked up and could be sued. How do you tell people that your family outs you and that when you do confide in people that you have been in the hospital, they just turn away. People my age just want friends who are married like themselves with babies. They don’t need worthless people like myself.
Erinfia, I’ve read your story and comments (what I could find). I don’t know if this will matter to you in the least, but you strike me as a very likable person. I’m sorry life has been so hard for you. I’ve never found any satisfying answers for why life can be so inherently hurtful–well, other than empirical answers, which aren’t satisfying at all (at least to me). I wish things would turn around for you in every way so that you’d become content, happy, even. I second what Tbone already said–that I care for you because I can relate to how you’re feeling.
I certainly acknowledge you have a great deal of stress in your life and cannot imagine what it would feel like to live with the fact that you have been raped but you are not worthless. You have a good trade under your belt and from your post’s you seem quite articulate. You mentioned the helium hood method for suicide. Give it another two weeks or so before you make the leap. You just never know what tomorrow might bring. I am being a bit of a hypocrite here because I too have searched extensively for methods but something or someone always staves off the beast. You are not alone. All of us on here have problems, some seem bigger than others. Keeping talking, were listening.
Btw I’m also from Canada, Ontario. Small world.
I want to sit back and look at this and say hey at least my life is better. but it’s not. I had a major attempt back in 2011 and it didn’t work out, but I’m back in the same spot. I love how poverty and suicide go so close in hand.
oh well, life is going to roll you as long as your here. I’m taking myself out in my busted car was close to starting today, and I probably should. things do not get better they just get less worse. where’s a good cult when you need one.
My welding doesn’t count here in Canada. I have training in both CNC and welding but they are from Sweden and do not count here. Right now I work nights in a group home. Its 5 nights a week and its exhausting and the pay is rather lousy. But it pays the bills and for my rent and I always have some left over at the end of the month since I don’t go out much. I would love to take a vacation, but I don’t know where I would go. I don’t want to travel alone. If I get sued I could be messed over for the rest of my life financially so I might as well do something nice well I still have some money to spend. I used to believe I had so much to offer this world, but not anymore. As for the helium method I am still looking into which tank is best to purchase (I don’t want one that is a mixture of helium and air). I have been looking into getting a ******** tank, but that seems more complicated to get. I also have to figure out how to make the helium hood and how a regulator works. What I wish I had was ********, but thats supposed to be quite difficult to get. So don’t worry I will be around for a few more weeks as it takes time to get all this material and figure out how to do it right. If I fail I don’t know what I am going to do.
T Bone is anxiety and depression whats been keeping you down. Or do you have circumstantial problems as well. You seem like such a nice guy and you are educated and probably haven’t broken any laws.
Thanks EK2020. Your comment meant a lot to me. I cried when I read it. I don’t know what your story is, so I am really really sorry that you are also going through a hard time. I used to be such a happy person. I was even really funny and had a great sense of humor. In so many ways its the good memories that hurt more than the bad ones. They hurt so bad because they remind me of how downhill life has gone, and of what I will never get back. I just wish God was merciful enough to let me pass away in my sleep. I have heard people say that God has a plan for everybody, but what about all those people on the streets. Whether or not they are druggies, prostitutes or mentally ill. Its so easy for others to blame them for what they have become, but there is a story behind every person. Not everybody was lucky enough to be born into the right family, or part of the world. Nobody has the same brain chemistry and some are lucky enough to never get sick. Some people are born and are able to thrive in any situation, while others are not able to. Sometimes its also a matter of help coming too late.
Haha no I have not broken any laws other than ripping off the mattress tag that says “do not remove”. Anxiety but mostly depression and lack of self confidence keeps me from excelling I guess, although being a people pleaser does not help. I have always put others feelings etc before mine. Something I am working on. My problems seem minimal to others but I have just never been happy. Anyways good to hear your thinking things through and not making a rash decision.
Yeah people are hard to please. My sister does not care at all about what other people think. Yet that makes her an awful, stuck up and mean person. All she cares about is money and status. Everything has to be done the way she wants, and if you refuse her she ditches you permanently.
No I am not doing anything rash. Unless I can find a guaranteed place overseas where I can go and get ********. That is my dream way of leaving this world. There is just too much ways to fail in the other methods. I have tried hanging but just dangled there until the rope gave way. The medecines I have are pointless for overdose (I have already tried). No I have to take my time and try to get this helium method to work. I am sorry that you suffer from depression. Have you tried therapy? It might work for you if you get the right therapist.
Well, I can’t really relate, as I am the wrong gender and age group, but I recently had a very dear friend tell me that she no longer wanted anything to do with me. And being that she was quite literally the only close friend I had at the time, and I rather relied on her for emotional support, the devastation was complete and I had nearly done something quite rash.
I found that friends can make all the difference in situations like this. People you can talk to, who won’t judge you, and will empathize with your situation. Not every friend can, as I found out quite painfully. But I met a very nice young man here who was going through similar trauma, and he was very helpful in getting me over my own issues.
We’re always here, erinfia, if you need us. I’m sure many of us would be happy to be there to talk to you, or just listen, if that’s what you need. Not like a support hotline, were you always get a different person and have to explain your whole history all over again for the millionth time. And who knows? Maybe you’ll find what you’re looking for. At the very least, you might find some comfort.
I am sorry to hear about you losing your friend. Thanks for the support because God knows I need it. I don’t know if I can be comforted though. I feel so far gone and suicide seems so hard to succeed at. The helium method doesn’t always work and if that does not work I am going to have to resort to hanging. I don’t like the idea of hanging, but other than jumping I see no other way. I wish I could find a gun. I would give all my savings for one. Sometimes I don’t care if a failed attempt would lead me to brain damage or turn me into a vegetable. At least then I would have people around me who would have to tend to my needs (thats how damn lonley I am). If anybody knows of a reliable easy accessible method or can help me in any way my email is erinfia@hotmail.com.
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16 comments
I can relate to some of what you are sharing, and I am sorry there appear to be few resources or options. Unfortunately, there’s not much I can practically do to help.
Hey im curious where are you from originally? Just a thought, but why not wait and see the outcome of the legal issues? It might be stressful in the mean time, but maybe things will work out in your favour.
Well with the exception of our gender difference I can easily say I know how you feel. I’m 37 average looking, I’m living in a apartment (use to have a house) and cannot for the life of me meet a significant other and when I do I fuck it up some how with my insecurities. No major accomplishments except going back to school to earn a degree in health care as a mature student however like relationships have messed up several opportunities due to anxiety/depression etc. I have been slowly weeding out friends who I no longer connect with and really don’t care about the decision.
I also know how you feel about know one caring.
Hope things get better for you soon, and for what it’s worth “I care” because I can relate to how you feel.
I never dreamt my life could get this bad. It used to be good in the other country, but then my relationship fell apart and not long after I was raped. A person I worked with found out about the rape in the newspaper and was able to figure out it was me somehow. I started to get sexually harrassed at work, and then when I complained I lost my job. I was working as a welder at the time, and thats a male dominated industry, and over where I was, I could not get my voice heard. I wish the rapist had killed me. The police didn’t take the case to court even though I had evidence. Six months later my rapist and 7 of his friends gang raped another girl, and then I found out that this asshole had raped 4 other girls prior to raping me AND WAS CONVICTED. He was never convicted for raping me though. I will never understand. I have PTSD due to all of this and have also been diagnosed bi-polar. I am tired of doctors and hospitals. Nothing can take the pain away. And to top it off I could be sued due to an ignorant mistake I made in a manic phase. I have never had a criminal record, and if I get fined or thrown in jail I won’t be able to live with it. I had already tried suicide before this whole suing thing came into place. I overdosed and wound up in the hospital. I had already been in the hospital in my other country due to threatening suicide, and while I was there I also attempted suicide. I have had three attempts in all. This time I have to get it right. Right now I am researching the helium method. I have to get it right this time.
I never dreamt my life could get this bad. It used to be good in the other country, but then my relationship fell apart and not long after I was raped. A person I worked with found out about the rape in the newspaper and was able to figure out it was me somehow. I started to get sexually harrassed at work, and then when I complained I lost my job. I was working as a welder at the time, and thats a male dominated industry, and over where I was, I could not get my voice heard. I wish the rapist had killed me. The police didn’t take the case to court even though I had evidence. Six months later my rapist and 7 of his fr
iends gang raped another girl, and then I found out that this asshole had raped 4 other girls prior to raping me AND WAS CONVICTED. He was never convicted for raping me though. I will never understand. I have PTSD due to all of this and have also been diagnosed bi-polar. I am tired of doctors and hospitals. Nothing can take the pain away. And to top it off I could be sued due to an ignorant mistake I made in a manic phase. I have never had a criminal record, and if I get fined or thrown in jail I won’t be able to live with it. I had already tried suicide before this whole suing thing came into place. I overdosed and wound up in the hospital. I had already been in the hospital in my other country due to threatening suicide, and while I was there I also attempted suicide. I have had three attempts in all. This time I have to get it right. Right now I am researching the helium method. I have to get it right this time.
Hi Sabre,
I am living in Canada. I know the idea about waiting it out. I have tried to convince myself of that as well. But life just never works out for me. I don’t want to live and see the result of what is to be. Even if I don’t get sued I don’t think I want to live. I want to die and hopefully make it to heaven to see my dad and Buffy. Buffy was a pet rabbit I had for 8 years, and I know it sounds stupid but aside from my ex, she was the best friend I ever had. I used to even take her for walks. But then during one of the walks she had a seisure and died. She was crying and it broke my heart. I picked her up but she screamed so I set her back on the grass where she took her last breaths. She was such a nice bunny, she purred and followed me everywhere and
slept on my bed. She was funny too and used to steal my chocolates. I still cant get the vision of her lying there screaming. I can’t have any other animals now. I tried adopting two rabbits but in my small room, it was impossible to keep after them. Then I worried that if something happens to me and nobody finds me, than they would starve, so I gave them back to the petstore.
Thanks for caring TBone. I wish you lived closer to me so we could talk. People always comment about how quiet I am, but thats because I just don’t have anything normal to say. How do you tell people that the last few years of your life youve been raped, lost your bestfriend who was a bunny), attempted suicide multiple times and that you fucked up and could be sued. How do you tell people that your family outs you and that when you do confide in people that you have been in the hospital, they just turn away. People my age just want friends who are married like themselves with babies. They don’t need worthless people like myself.
Erinfia, I’ve read your story and comments (what I could find). I don’t know if this will matter to you in the least, but you strike me as a very likable person. I’m sorry life has been so hard for you. I’ve never found any satisfying answers for why life can be so inherently hurtful–well, other than empirical answers, which aren’t satisfying at all (at least to me). I wish things would turn around for you in every way so that you’d become content, happy, even. I second what Tbone already said–that I care for you because I can relate to how you’re feeling.
I certainly acknowledge you have a great deal of stress in your life and cannot imagine what it would feel like to live with the fact that you have been raped but you are not worthless. You have a good trade under your belt and from your post’s you seem quite articulate. You mentioned the helium hood method for suicide. Give it another two weeks or so before you make the leap. You just never know what tomorrow might bring. I am being a bit of a hypocrite here because I too have searched extensively for methods but something or someone always staves off the beast. You are not alone. All of us on here have problems, some seem bigger than others. Keeping talking, were listening.
Btw I’m also from Canada, Ontario. Small world.
I want to sit back and look at this and say hey at least my life is better. but it’s not. I had a major attempt back in 2011 and it didn’t work out, but I’m back in the same spot. I love how poverty and suicide go so close in hand.
oh well, life is going to roll you as long as your here. I’m taking myself out in my busted car was close to starting today, and I probably should. things do not get better they just get less worse. where’s a good cult when you need one.
My welding doesn’t count here in Canada. I have training in both CNC and welding but they are from Sweden and do not count here. Right now I work nights in a group home. Its 5 nights a week and its exhausting and the pay is rather lousy. But it pays the bills and for my rent and I always have some left over at the end of the month since I don’t go out much. I would love to take a vacation, but I don’t know where I would go. I don’t want to travel alone. If I get sued I could be messed over for the rest of my life financially so I might as well do something nice well I still have some money to spend. I used to believe I had so much to offer this world, but not anymore. As for the helium method I am still looking into which tank is best to purchase (I don’t want one that is a mixture of helium and air). I have been looking into getting a ******** tank, but that seems more complicated to get. I also have to figure out how to make the helium hood and how a regulator works. What I wish I had was ********, but thats supposed to be quite difficult to get. So don’t worry I will be around for a few more weeks as it takes time to get all this material and figure out how to do it right. If I fail I don’t know what I am going to do.
T Bone is anxiety and depression whats been keeping you down. Or do you have circumstantial problems as well. You seem like such a nice guy and you are educated and probably haven’t broken any laws.
Thanks EK2020. Your comment meant a lot to me. I cried when I read it. I don’t know what your story is, so I am really really sorry that you are also going through a hard time. I used to be such a happy person. I was even really funny and had a great sense of humor. In so many ways its the good memories that hurt more than the bad ones. They hurt so bad because they remind me of how downhill life has gone, and of what I will never get back. I just wish God was merciful enough to let me pass away in my sleep. I have heard people say that God has a plan for everybody, but what about all those people on the streets. Whether or not they are druggies, prostitutes or mentally ill. Its so easy for others to blame them for what they have become, but there is a story behind every person. Not everybody was lucky enough to be born into the right family, or part of the world. Nobody has the same brain chemistry and some are lucky enough to never get sick. Some people are born and are able to thrive in any situation, while others are not able to. Sometimes its also a matter of help coming too late.
Haha no I have not broken any laws other than ripping off the mattress tag that says “do not remove”. Anxiety but mostly depression and lack of self confidence keeps me from excelling I guess, although being a people pleaser does not help. I have always put others feelings etc before mine. Something I am working on. My problems seem minimal to others but I have just never been happy. Anyways good to hear your thinking things through and not making a rash decision.
Yeah people are hard to please. My sister does not care at all about what other people think. Yet that makes her an awful, stuck up and mean person. All she cares about is money and status. Everything has to be done the way she wants, and if you refuse her she ditches you permanently.
No I am not doing anything rash. Unless I can find a guaranteed place overseas where I can go and get ********. That is my dream way of leaving this world. There is just too much ways to fail in the other methods. I have tried hanging but just dangled there until the rope gave way. The medecines I have are pointless for overdose (I have already tried). No I have to take my time and try to get this helium method to work. I am sorry that you suffer from depression. Have you tried therapy? It might work for you if you get the right therapist.
Well, I can’t really relate, as I am the wrong gender and age group, but I recently had a very dear friend tell me that she no longer wanted anything to do with me. And being that she was quite literally the only close friend I had at the time, and I rather relied on her for emotional support, the devastation was complete and I had nearly done something quite rash.
I found that friends can make all the difference in situations like this. People you can talk to, who won’t judge you, and will empathize with your situation. Not every friend can, as I found out quite painfully. But I met a very nice young man here who was going through similar trauma, and he was very helpful in getting me over my own issues.
We’re always here, erinfia, if you need us. I’m sure many of us would be happy to be there to talk to you, or just listen, if that’s what you need. Not like a support hotline, were you always get a different person and have to explain your whole history all over again for the millionth time. And who knows? Maybe you’ll find what you’re looking for. At the very least, you might find some comfort.
I am sorry to hear about you losing your friend. Thanks for the support because God knows I need it. I don’t know if I can be comforted though. I feel so far gone and suicide seems so hard to succeed at. The helium method doesn’t always work and if that does not work I am going to have to resort to hanging. I don’t like the idea of hanging, but other than jumping I see no other way. I wish I could find a gun. I would give all my savings for one. Sometimes I don’t care if a failed attempt would lead me to brain damage or turn me into a vegetable. At least then I would have people around me who would have to tend to my needs (thats how damn lonley I am). If anybody knows of a reliable easy accessible method or can help me in any way my email is erinfia@hotmail.com.