I don’t even know what to say anymore… I’m a 28 year old female from Greece and I’m trying to deal with my life ever since I can remember myself. I was raped by my grandfather when I wasn’t even going to school yet. I suppose that a great amount of my problems was the result of this experience. Sorry, experiences… I can’t really believe that this incident is still hurting me after all those years but I think I just have to admit it is… I have dealt and still dealing with severe depression but no one seems to be able to help me. I have tons of anger that keeps coming out with no serious or obvious reason most of the times. On the other hand I don’t take it out when needed and the result is being consumed all the time by the “monster” of anger growing inside me all these years. As a result I used to pierce myself when I was younger just to feel the pain (I wasn’t familiar with the wrist cutting back then), fucking with anyone possible just to feel loved or at least noticed, later (19) I started cutting my wrists and wanting to commit suicide. I now have a drinking problem. I’m not sure I can’t stay sober, but I don’t want to. I had a series of bad relationships and don’t seem to be able to keep anything healthy in my life. My parents always criticize me because I always was a good student, finished university etc. and now they can’t understand why I can’t get on my feet. Well, I can’t explain myself anymore. I said everything I could but no one seemed able to understand. So now here I am, devastated once more, cutting my wrists, drinking and thinking how I’m going to hang myself. I can’t get off bed everyday, and among others I can’t focus on the play I’m rehearsing for. Sometimes it makes me worse. I’m dealing with Sarah Kane’s 4.48 psychosis if anyone is familiar with it… It’s a rough play… I was ready to hang myself when I run to this site yesterday. I can’t look inside me anymore. Even I am scared with what I see… Anyone that takes a better look at me gets scared and leaves me… Even worse because they couldn’t possibly imagine that a good looking, tall, thin, smart girl could be so black inside… I am fucking black. Sometimes I want to send everyone to fuck themselves but I know I need people in my life. I need to love and be loved. I need to feel alive, existing, creative… Human…
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Wow…it’s unbelievable how many different experiences people have. I can not imagine enduring that kind of abuse. I related to everything else you wrote. Sending you good vibes.
@softsoul: Thank you… Even here you’re the only one that cared to write something comforting… Nothing can awaken my faith and nothing can erase my anger… I feel so hopeless and alone. It’s not that I think I’m useless. But I absolutely believe that life is a torturing machine and I can’t stand it anymore. It’s 5.30 in the afternoon here and I’m already having my first drink. Cheers… Thank you for writing to me.. Really…
Since you’re “drinkin’ and thinkin”” I wanted to let you know I’ve been in AA for about 2 years, and we have many, many people with a background of sexual abuse, and many, many actors and performers. It is likely that some of your fellow performers are members.
Please give us a try – I know there are chapters in Greece because we are EVERYWHERE. It isn’t a cult, and you will need to try different meetings with different groups to find a group you are comfortable with. Go to “Open Speaker” meetings, and after a while you will definitely find someone who has been sexually abused. That experience often leads to alcoholism, understandably so.
Don’t be afraid if folks are friendly to you – but watch out for some guys if you’re good looking. We are, after all, a cross section of society. It is advised that girls stay with girls at the beginning.
But I don’t feel like quitting… Not just yet at least… I think it’s all in my self-destruction project… I don’t know… I can stay sober and I have done it but I keep thinking on my booze all the time when I do. Maybe I will quit once and for all tying a rope on my neck…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TF4JaSBu1cI Sounds like all my life…
Everyone is asking me to stop cutting my wrists but I so much want to do it… On the other hand I don’t want to disappoint them… I need it so much!! Can’t do it anywhere else either cause he will see it eventually… I think I’m addicted to cutting myself…
I love my scars, Im so proud of them its like my favorite art, simple yet indescribably beautiful, wanna see?
I love them too. They’re part of my soul. I want.
I fucking know how to make the great western hanging knot so i’m going to use it now. happy to meet you people. bye…
I don’t remember writing the previous post but i do remember how fucking difficult is to find a hotline to help you with suicide… So let us go then…