it’s scary
not knowing what’s on the other side
not knowing how the exit will go
some claim to know the answer
but they profess their belief and not a fact
in my mind it swirls
will i be in pain?
will i linger?
i imagine all black on the other side
no feeling, no emotion, no individual consciousness
there’s no joy or accomplishment or love
but there’s no fear or pain or anger either
i would make that trade
the grass does seem greener on that other side
am i wrong?
can i do better for myself over here?
the neutrality of death is appealing
on this side i’m a pessimist
over there it’s not possible
while all of experience might be expressed in the symbol of yin and yang
the image is a misrepresentation
white and black are not in balance
the dark overshadows the light by a large margin
that is the essence of what adults hide from children
and then what comes after…
i have some different ideas about death
i have heard it said that witnessing death exposes its ugliness
but that does not concern me
eating a wonderful meal can’t be disuaded by the shit that will come after
an awful bowel movement is a price one might pay for an execetptional culinary experience
and to be free of this yoke
to bypass all anticipation
to give up everything that is uncomfortable
would one not suffer extremely but momentarily?
the answer comes down to expectation
if one anticipates a favorable outcome to enduring on, then sacrifice is out of the question
but if one sees only doom then it comes down to bargaining
how much must i suffer now to avoid what amount of suffering later?
suicide becomes an ante
ok you get my life but what else must be given with it?
how painful is the crossing-over?
what must my coward-self endure to secure a pass?
you see that my experience is my only concern
not who finds me
not how they get through processing my remains
or how they structure their lives after my passing
will they become addicts or suicides or neurotics?
that outcome is on them
i only claim responsibility for being the catalyst
the future of my clan is in my hands when my life mingles with it
for myself i want the black of the grave
but the price for it is paid by those who survive
that consideration is only temporary
because everyone does what is best for themselves
so i must die
i must make those who love me suffer
and our only recourse
all together
is to regret my birth