Hey guys, it’s been a while. Just thought I’d update about my shitty life.
Well, the night before the last day of school was…interesting. I know I had tried to kill myself in the past. Multiple times. But this time…I could feel it. I felt calm. I felt ready. My head was clear and my decision had been made…My rents were out in the garage doing whatever and I was inside alone. I grabbed a total of 63 aspirin (I know probably could have grabbed something better) and downed at least 13 or 14 of them. I had made sure to read the bottle and it had said no more that 12 in 24 hours. By then I had written my suicide note and had texted some people goodbye…my stomach was in agony and I couldn’t see straight…then I passed out…
I woke up crying my eyes out. I was so ready to just be done with everything. To finally get away and go wherever it is we go when we die…but no. I got up. Got dressed. Went to school…and collapsed into my friends lap in a corner crying and screaming about it…he’s been through the suicide thing before and he helped a lot…after a while my best friend came over to where we were (she didn’t know about any of this) and after an hour or so, she stopped talking to me. After I got home, the school called my mom. Apparently someone had gone down to the office and told them what had happened. She took my phone and threatened to take me to the psychiatric ward. We still went on a family vacation (which wasn’t much of a vacation for me) because they hoped it would ‘fix me’. Well. We’re back now. They’re only just now today taking me to get my liver checked and to see my psychiatrist…
When my best friend finally started talking to me, we got in a huge argument about, “how I almost fucked up her life,” and that, “I owe everyone a fucking apology for being so fucking selfish.”
She, on the other hand…hasn’t been through the suicide thing…she doesn’t know…she doesn’t get it…doesn’t she realize that she…no, everyone…is being selfish by letting me stay here? I’m not truly happy and I don’t think I ever will be…I can’t be fixed. It’s a lost cause to try…
Yeah. That’s about it. I had to get that off my chest. Sorry for the waste of time and space.
Speaking of being sorry, why don’t I start. I’m sorry for living. I’m sorry for being a shitty person. I’m sorry for fucking up all the time. I’m sorry for breathing. I’m sorry for being sorry all the goddamn time. I’m sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry for failing everyone I’ve ever known. I’m sorry for failing to kill myself.
Later,
xXFrejaShinePawsXx
9 comments
I know…that’s kind of the way my parents reacted after they found me cutting my main artery on the arm in the bathtub,except they didn’t threaten to take me to a psychiatric ward,but they threatened to kill me by their own hand if I try it ever again…
…Then,a couple of weeks later,they forgot about it altogether,and although I wish they would have cared,I think it is better for them to just forget about it.
Anyway,what I want you to know is that you are not alone going through this.Whatever decision you make,to leave or to stay,is your own decision.If you are set on attempting to pursue your happiness on the other side,then there is no one to stop you from being happy.
I wish you luck with whatever you want to do in the future.
Thank you so much, and I think I’m ok for now…they might be putting me on meds and I’ll be getting the treatment I need…
Oh wow, when I read your story , it was so close to my experience. Finding happiness and meaning of life is an ongoing process. You sound young still so I hope you can find peace. The psychiatric ward isn’t a pleasant place to be; I know because that’s where I ended up after being released from hospital emergency room back in 2001.
Good luck hun and bless you.
I’m 15 🙂 I’m kind of really scared to go there…but they’re taking me up to the hospital tomorrow instead for a psychoanalysis so hopefully I’ll just get better and more frequent counseling and medication…
I am so sorry that u are going through this horrible time I feel for you….You have nothing to be sorry for so don;t believe it you seem like u have your head together so go to the doctor and show them all you are not crazy please let me know how u make out I am always here for you Anto
You’re the first person to tell me that I have nothing to be sorry for…thank you…I’ll et you know how I do.
Freja you DEFINITELY have nothing to be sorry for. I started cutting when I was your age, and went through exactly the same shit with some of my ‘friends’. I’m 30 now. Those people who shouted at me and the parents who yelled (and yelled and yelled til I cut myself so badly I was in the hospital getting stitches. And they still yelled so they got kicked out of A&E) none of them are here now.
The ones like your nice friend are still here. And as I am currently back in my ‘bad place’ they are the ones calling me and txting me and taking it in turns to make sure I am never alone as much as possible. At 15 if you’re not going through depression or anxiety or are an exceptionally caring person then you can’t understand that. And unfortunately it seems to happen a lot to a lot of people your age.
Fuck them. If you can get through this, you will know who your REAL friends are. They’re not the ones condemning you for screwing up THEIR lives. They’re the ones offering you an open hand and helping you move on to the next stage in your life.
Never take their pre-conceived idea of “normal.” Stay true to yourself. You’re young and from reading what you wrote, you’re definitely not stupid. You’re beautiful both inside and out and fuck all the people who think you need to be “fixed.” I’m sick of people thinking we are abnormal in our thinking. Stay strong, Sara.
Never take their pre-conceived idea of “normal.” No one on this Earth needs fixing. Stay true to yourself. You’re young and from reading what you wrote, you’re definitely not stupid. You’re beautiful both inside and out and fuck all the people who think you need to be “fixed.” I’m sick of people thinking we are abnormal in our thinking. Stay strong, Sara.