In less than 24 hours it will be the one year anniversary of my suicide. Just typing that now the tears swell in my eyes. I’m left with multiple organ damage, some nerve damage and a dying heart valve that causes an arrhythmia. Memories that were so special are blurs and I’m but a shadow of my shadow. I meant every second of my suicide and it was the only time I’ve ever felt free. Free of pain: mentally, physically and emotionally. Free of fear, free from my past, free from the numbness and so alive that night is burned in me. The sensation was so beautiful. The first handful of pills made me gag badly but after they were down I thought back to my experiences with drug abuse and that wasn’t going to be enough, but I was going to be familiarly fucked up and the first rush of freedom came. There went the anxiety. I didn’t even feel alive. I hated life. My life had to have been a mistake. I must be a spare part in this world I thought. I took another handful and that finished the script of xanax. On to the ambien and those went really fast. I think. The bottle of amitriptyline and then the note. Short and simple to mama. “I always have loved you and always will”.
I sat on the couch waiting and crying tears of happiness and drinking what was left of the rest of my alcohol. Then the cold chills and blurs started. I seen the cream and the flashes of the life line helicopter and flying. I see my body and a man screaming at me and he would defibrillate my chest and I wouldn’t move
My mom found me. She had my 13 year old little brother with her and I was gray and ice cold. She threw me into the floor and my brother fell to his knees and prayed. I chose to die and got my wish and they chose for me to live and brought me back. I gave up and they couldn’t. Why? As the hour draws closer the more I realize nothing much has changed inside my thoughts about me as I am now. I still want that freedom and to not hurt like i still do but more so than before because of the truth I have to face everyday. Constant pains, heart problems and so much more that was caused. I’m a dying animal, take me out in the field and put me out of my misery. Tomorrow is gonna be so real and i want to stop time because i don’t want to live tomorrow like I didn’t want to last year. I do it for the world and those that love me. I gave my life away and so I don’t get that choice but I wish I did. I wanna cry and be free from this. The depression, the flashbacks and just everyday fucking life. It has to get better. I can’t take the same shit just wrapped differently each time it comes to me. I wanna come home lord because this ain’t where i want to be anymore. I thank you for this life lord but please take it back. I can make everyone else smile but I have to fake mine. Hide the tears deep inside and scream in my own thoughts. This walk in life has become so tiring when is this race over?
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That was a powerful story… I hardly know what to say. But I am very sorry for what you went through, and for what you’re still going through — but I thank you for sharing your story. It brought tears to my eyes, and it made me stop and think. I wish I had some advice for you, but sadly, I don’t… But I sincerely hope things will get better for you. I don’t know what to say, except that my heart breaks for you… Please take good care of yourself.
I don’t know how old you are but I’m sure you are younger than me. I’m 55 and I know how much of a drag life can be. Same thing – day in and day out. And then – in the blink of an eye – everything changes. While it may seem that each day will be the same as the next. It won’t. There will be good times and bad times. That’s life. What I know for sure is that you can take what has happened to you and help others that are going through the same thing. Or – you can end your life and rob others of your experiences. I suspect that nothing would make you feel better right now than to reach out and help someone that is going through the same thing you are. Maybe instead of killing yourself – you could spend the day commenting on others posts here that are about to do the same. The Lord does not make bad things happen to us – but he can take something bad and turn it into something good. If not for people that have suffered as you have – there would be no one to help others that are feeling the same way you are. You’ve been there and you can help. You really can. You can make more of a difference in someone’s life that you can ever dream. You probably already have and don’t even know it. Take what you know and give it to someone else. And keep doing that – until you feel better – and then do it some more. It’s not your time to go. The Lord will take you when he’s ready. And when he does, you will know that you had faith – and stayed strong – and made it through another day – and another – and another. And all along the way – through the grief and the pain – you continued to give to others – through your tears at times – but you still gave – even when you all you really wanted to do was end it all. You persevered. And who knows – somewhere along the path – you may find that you are happier than you could have ever imagined. You deserve that. You will be happy again one day – I promise. Just hang in there. We need you. We need what you have to offer.
Thank you so very much. After almost one year I have heard it all and that was the most meaningful inspiring thing I could have been given. I am 23 years old and I am a survivor and for the first time after posting that last nice I felt peace and release giving my personal story to others. I never thought my mistakes could teach others so I hid them and keep myself so private. I smile and am and have always been the comedian and I have to fake so much more year after year but I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of hurting and if I feel this way just at the thought that helping others through my trials that they may see a light that none could show them then I will be there to lead the way. I feel in my heart the lord has always had a heavy path prepared for me in life and I want so much to embrace God and allow him to heal me and those in my life each day. Sincerely I do thank you for being do understanding. Hopefully I can help someone as dimply as you and this site have helped me.
I wish I had the balls to do it. I would give you some advice but there’s no such thing as good advice. Everything is crap.
Maybe you do have advice. The way you feel makes you unique and like me I don’t know what to say sometimes and I did commit suicide, but something I have for you now is, when I was in recovery after I came out of my coma I was in my room for 4 days in Trauma and I would watch my blood back up into my IV and I remember saying in my head that would be gone if I was dead. The thought exploded of what would never be there when you’re dead and the eventual answer is nothing. Everything is gone when you die. Every sight sound taste sensation is forever gone. To feel dead is sad but compared to being dead its nothing. I hated everything around me except for nature. It always made me smile and if I die that will be the last thing I try and hold onto in my mind before I go. No one can make you do anything. No one breathes for you, moves your fingers or blinks your eyes. No one gives you you every idea or thought so you are your own ruler. Do you want to rule nothing or be sad like I am and rule yourself and get to still feel the wind or smell the rain. Take it all but I’ll still have me alive and I hurt but I’m alive
Fucking powerful – gdmn. You are an awesome writer.
Thinking of you today
TY
Wow, that was heart wrenching to read. I’m glad you survived, but so very sorry that your health has suffered. You are very strong to have continued on for another year. Hopefully, there will be another year to come and then another one after that. As Dr. Phil says, life is not a sprint, it’s a marathon.