“i could hear my heart beating. i could hear everyone’s heart. i could hear the human noise we sat there making. none of us moved. not even when the room went dark.”
i don’t know why i’m here. i can’t quite seem to figure out anything anymore. sometimes i get these little fits — my roommate calls them “funks” — in which i am just unhappy. i am upset. i am sad. i am angry, at you, and me, and the trees, at the world. and i don’t know why. i never know why. a girl is supposed to know herself better than anyone else could ever dream to know her. well, what of the girl who has no idea who she is? what of the girl whose internal well never runs dry, without reason? i walk through life in a steady façade of happiness. i am always smiling. i radiate joy. people like me — being around happy people tends to make others happy, after all. inside, i am not happy. i am worthless. i cannot look at myself without seeing the failure i have brought upon myself, my family, my friends. i am a disappointment. my mom once told me, “silence is the same as consent in the face of oppression.” is that true? could i scream at my mind, tear my tears apart, and that be the answer to my problems? or will i just sit here in my dark room, unmoving? my human noise is loud. it is a cacophony of fear and of sadness and of hatred for myself. i used to be so content. i used to truly be happy. how could i have done this to myself? i was always the girl who laughed in the face of tyranny, who forced myself past sadness, because sadness is for the weak. and now, look at me (if you can — i can barely look at myself). i’m disgusting. i am nothing. i never was, never will be anything. have you seen the movie Sleeping Beauty? not the fairy tale, the 2011 Australian film. do you remember the line, “rise up and walk, none of your bones are broken”? that scene crushed my very soul. i am that old man. my heart was filled with an overwhelming sadness at those words, because i, like the old man, am broken. every bone is shattered. i can’t explain it, mainly because i don’t know why, but there it is. i fear i will share his same fate — or would that be my best option? it certainly was for him. someone once posted on here, “it’s so easy to be needy when nobody needs you.” this need that i have now is so great, so vast, it fills every orifice of my soul. and no one knows. no one would care if i told them. i am needy. i am not needed. i just want to be normal. i just want to be okay.
i’m sorry this was so scattered. i’m coming down from adderall.
i’m so scared. please help me.
2 comments
I felt your words – does it feel good to let it out on here? Remember there is no mask you need to hide behind, there is no façade you need to keep – you are safe here, okay? You are safe as long as you choose to be, in the sense of suicide. No one chooses to be sad or depressed, but you always are safe from death from yourself, as long as you choose to be.
You don’t need to radiate joy here. You sound tired, like you’ve just been trying for too long with no breaks, no reprieve. You can be sad here and no one will think you are nothing. You are not nothing, you are human. There’s a difference. Take a break from acting and just let it all out over here. You aren’t broken until you are dead, so it’s your choice to be a broken girl. But like most, if not all of us on here – you are damaged, and that is okay. It is okay.
I’m sorry if a lot of what I’m saying doesn’t make sense or doesn’t fit the context of how you feel – I can’t feed you crap about sunshine and rainbows, and I’m not a therapist. But I can say that you aren’t nothing because even in the smallest way you have touched my life by posting this, can nothing effect anything?
Thank you. Thank you.