Last monday marked the year mark since I tried to commit suicide, it’s been a very hard three years, somedays I just break down crying wondering how I ever got to this point in my life. I’ve been this way my whole life, I can remember suffering with depression as a child waiting to grow up thinking I would grow out of this. Thinking that the heavy sadness I felt was just a phase. It’s a sadness that has taken over my life and i wonder how different things would have been if only I had, had the courage to seek help when I was younger.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and what I see disgusts me I know they say time makes it easier that given time I will learn how to love myself but the love isn’t there. I can remember the group sessions they made me attend sitting there in that room waiting for this new phase of life to start. It never happened, thing’s were fine for a little while and then the depression slowly crept back in. I feel lost I don’t know who to turn to. I’m not even sure my friends would understand.
Does this get better? Will I ever feel better again?
3 comments
I recently had an “anniversary” too, and if you had asked me where I would be a year later, I can tell you I just found my soul mate 🙂
How things can change,,,,, seriously.
So they can for anyone.
I just had a year anniversary as well. I had hoped all my hard work since then would make a difference. My friends are over it, it’s nothing they haven’t heard before. I don’t even want to hear myself anymore. My first memory of being depressed was at the age 5. I felt so sorry for an old lady eating alone at a restaurant my mom asked me if I wanted to go join her. None of this really helps you but I hope at least being able to speak freely about it relieves some of it’s power over you.
I’ve been told over and over again that “this isn’t a life sentence,” but I’m still waiting to be free from it. I’ve always wanted to believe it was the circumstances of my life that were making me miserable, that it’s possible for me to be consistently happy from day to day. But maybe the problem is just us, just our neurochemistry, our brains, our thought patterns. Who knows why the fuck we can’t better? If anybody knew, wouldn’t we all have the “cure” by now? Not that I’m advocating for you to give up, but technically no one’s tried every way to get better. Honestly, finding someone you can confide in helps, or finding people you can do stupid, silly things with and forget the misery can help too.