As strange as it sounds, hanging myself has become my coping. I tie a cord around my neck and hang there for a little while until I start fading in and out. It just, I don’t know. The feeling of being so close to death comforts me. My life is at the worst its ever been, or should I say, my head. Everything around me is just fading away, becoming so incredibly meaningless. And I’m just stuck in this complete blackout in my head. I feel completely numb to the point where I can’t stand it anymore. I always thought I wanted to be numb, completely impeccable to anything that comes my way. Honestly, I thought it meant strong. But I was soo, sooo wrong. I now realize that numb means falling to fucking pieces but not giving a shit. It’s actually hell. I have a feeling one of these days, I’m going to go to hang myself intending to get back down once I reach that satisfaction.. but I’m not going to be able to. Because all I want is to fade to nothing.
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I usually force myself to be numb. I’ve been doing it for years, just pressing all of my emotions deep down inside. It’s a type of strength, I think. A way to cope even though it’s not the healthiest. Usually it ends in a wreck though because you can only keep it up for so long.
Scars used to tie a belt around her neck and cinch it tight until her vision started to go black. Once she couldn’t get it off and had a panic attack. We almost died. I really like the idea of death, I really do but it’s scary as hell. Since then, we’ve wondered what it would be like to just let it happen though. Maybe one day it will. *sad smile*
You aren’t alone. If you want someone to talk to, feel free to email me. scarswithmarshmellowsAThotmailDOTcom.
Why you feel like this? I think you got a talk to some one
like a doctor. Get better
“I now realize that numb means falling to fucking pieces but not giving a shit. It’s actually hell.”
I know. I know.
As bad as it may be for you, I still envy you, because at least you’re ‘alive’