As strange as it sounds, hanging myself has become my coping. I tie a cord around my neck and hang there for a little while until I start fading in and out. It just, I don’t know. The feeling of being so close to death comforts me. My life is at the worst its ever been, or should I say, my head. Everything around me is just fading away, becoming so incredibly meaningless. And I’m just stuck in this complete blackout in my head. I feel completely numb to the point where I can’t stand it anymore. I always thought I wanted to be numb, completely impeccable to anything that comes my way. Honestly, I thought it meant strong. But I was soo, sooo wrong. I now realize that numb means falling to fucking pieces but not giving a shit. It’s actually hell. I have a feeling one of these days, I’m going to go to hang myself intending to get back down once I reach that satisfaction.. but I’m not going to be able to. Because all I want is to fade to nothing.
Life seems absolutely impossible and unbearably pointless. I struggle with depression, anorexia, self harm, etc. I’m constantly stuck in this endless cycle. My mood starts to drop, then I start restricting as it gives me some sense of control and relief then once my health starts going down the drain people start taking that control away and I end up in hospital on a feeding tube and iv. And that’s when I realize that I have no choice but to eat otherwise I’ll be living in hospitals. THEN once I start to eat and begin gaining weight, my mood reeeally drops and I basically just say “screw everyone” and stop taking my meds, stop going to school, sleep ALL the time, self harm and basically do shit all with my life. If you’re just going to tell me to try breaking the cycle, I’ve heard it a million times and really don’t need to hear it again. I’m done. I’m done living in this hell. I truly have no way of escaping this. Everytime I go into my appointment with my therapist or psychiatrist, I’m giving them another chance to fix me. I’ve been waiting over 2 years for them to come up with something that will truly fix me and they’ve yet to find anything. I’ve tried meds, therapy, hospitals, group homes, day treatment centers, EVERYTHING. Maybe I just have to face the fact that I may be incurable, that they really may never be able to fix me. And I’d rather die than live with the fact that I actually can’t get better. Give me a reason I shouldn’t take a rope and tie it around my neck. Give me a reason I can fight for. Give me a reason to live. Because nobody else can. And I’m running out of time.
Okay, so I need a little help. I’m going to buy a disposable helium tank tomorrow from WalMart. Do I need to buy some kind of tube? If so, where could I buy one of these? Or maybe comprimise and make one or something? So from what I’ve read, you fill up the plastic bag with helium and put it over your head and tie it. You will pass out in seconds and be dead in minutes. Can someone correct me if I’m wrong? Will I be consciuous long enough to tie it? And also, would a layer of plastic grocery bags work? Please help me out if you can. I need to be sure about this. Do you need to keep the helium running in the bag?