I made the decision Friday as I was leaving work.
I’ve been struggling with it since I came here. After years of trying, I finally got hired for my dream job. I moved to another state – something I’ve always wanted to do – to take it. The job is good. My coworkers are good. My boss is good, and the money is good.
The problem is me. I’m an utter failure. In the few weeks that I’ve been here, I’ve mishandled tickets, screwed up projects, behaved unprofessionally, and even lost data. My coworkers can’t stand me, and I can’t blame them. One guy is actually looking for another job since I came here. It’s not that I don’t care – I really want to do a good job – but I just suck. I’d say it’s just because I’m new, but I’ve sucked at every other job I’ve had. I am a failure & I bring failure everywhere that I go – and I can’t allow this to continue any longer. These people don’t deserve this.
I’m not feeling sorry for myself. The circumstances of my life are objectively good – far better than I deserve. But everywhere I go I cause problems. It has to stop.
I don’t want to die. There’s so much that I want to experience and to accomplish. But I see no other way out. This is my responsibility – my debt to my coworkers & the world. It has to be done.
I can’t just quit this job because if I don’t find another job I’m a drain on society & if I take my failure to another company, I’m a drain on some other group of unsuspecting people. There really is only one solution.
As I sit here, my pulse is racing & I feel choked. My chest hurts. Everything feels a bit unreal. It’s been like that since I made the decision. I was supposed to take a few computers and a hard drive back to the office today along with some money to repay a loan from a coworker. Then, Sunday night I would hang myself in my bedroom closet with materials that I was to purchase today. My office would call the Police for a welfare check when they couldn’t reach me on Monday. My apartment would be cleaned out when they got here, with my belongings ready to go. I’d leave a note requesting that they tell the HR director that I died peacefully of natural causes in my sleep so that no one would be upset by this.
There’s a hold on a check that I deposited though, so I can’t repay the loan until mid-week.
I can almost feel the noose as I sit here. And a part of me wants to get it over with – to do it right now. But I refuse to die with unpaid loans – and since I already have to wait until mid-week to get funds and my brother takes final exams for his license on the 22nd, I might as well wait until after he’s through with exams so as not to disrupt his studying. It’s like needing a root canal & waiting for a dentist’s appointment – I know that suicide will be horrible, but it will finally put an end to the unbearable shame.
I guess I do want to die – at least a little. But in the scheme of this, it doesn’t matter what I want.
2 comments
Please don’t try and kill yourself, you say you owe it to your coworkers but they won’t want you to kill yourself over anything you’ve done. I have made numerous mistakes in my time at work and have cost my last company a fair amount in breakages when I was a forklift driver, at one time putting someone at risk of injury and so I’ve felt guilty too. You say you don’t want to die then try to keep calm now and remember that you’re not a failure, try to feel better about yourself and think of the positives about your life.
I should also add that I suffer for anxiety and paranoia which causes me a lot of stress at work but I refuse to be beaten, don’t let it beat you. Constantly reviewing your errors is hard to get away from especially as you sound like you’re susceptible to this but if you want to talk, there are people here to listen.