I’ve posted a few times, explaining how I tried getting through this and how I’m coping. I’m trying to be positive and focus on the small, good things in order to get by. But sometimes I have to ask myself, why? Why am I doing this? My life has been shit. There’s no other way to describe it. It’s been an uphill struggle since day one. I keep pushing on, keeping trying to find that light… But why? What is the reason for it? In the hopes that something will finally click and things will be better/good? That maybe one day I’ll be like everyone else? But seriously, what are the chances of that happening? My track record doesn’t prove much. Why would I believe that things will be better? What makes me think I stand a chance? I keep thinking to myself: yes, I’m happy, this is good. But I’m not. I’m just trying because where I was before is so much worse. I’m not happy now, I have no positives. I can’t see what is good. I turn to religion in the hopes that I’ll feel something, some guidance, some hope, some meaning. But I’m not sure there is. I think that maybe I was meant to be unhappy, and leave this place. Some people are? I don’t know where to go from here. I’m not sure that next time round I’ll make it. I’m trying so so hard and yet I seem to be getting nowhere. I need an incentive. I don’t see one. I am nothing.
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3 comments
Just be clear that there really is NOT some kind of positive action that you could take that will change things for the better.
Like, I know I am a horse-shit student and I cannot go back to college and finish my degree- I just don’t have the ability. After 8 or 9 years of school I can’t do it!
My daughter hates me and no court intervention will change that, in fact the court would ridicule me even more and probably act more onerously against me.
Just do a fair and honest self assessment and act accordingly, don’t let depression talk you into it, be an honest suicide, and I wouldn’t say cowardly, because absent severe delusional mental illness suicide is the most brutally difficult act of a person’s life.
I live for fucking, powerball tickets and buffet’s…
How’s that for no reason to live.
Why does your daughter hate you?
No exactly what you’re talking about. People tell me how smart and kind I am, how the love me, and yet there is no way I can say that about myself. I’ve been trying for a while to do something different. You see, I lost my father and brother at the same day last year, no accident to explain it, plain death. While it has been extremely difficult for me to adjust to not having my brother, just two years a older than me – his 40th birthday should be tomorrow, celebrated with a very special party he was planning to do-, I just don’t seem able to do it. Then I saw my mother recently and saw the intense pain she’s been going through, and I thought to myself: I loaves her so mush, how could I go, too, and leave her behind, with all the double pain? Could you imagine how much she would suffer in double? So I thought to myself that I will take this intense feeling and need of just going away for good in steps, little ones. I promised myself I would not kill myself until my mother is gone. It gives at least some years there. That’s m commitment right now, because I do feel her pain, her loss, and if I really don’t care much about anything and specially myself, I do care more about her, so that should suffice, at least for now. Then, when she is not here anymore, I will then revisit it all and decide what my next step should be. Every time I think and feel it is too much to bear, I go to bed, think of my mother, look at her pictures and commit myself to the plan. It’s been working so far. The thing is, where we are – me, bipolar, major depression treatment for the past 15 years – we really don’t have much hope. First time depressed people have a chance that it may never come back again, if properly treated and not genetically related. By in my case, bipolar is family elated, my nephew has it, other people had it. I’m so far the only suicidal. What can I really expect from medicine to help me with this? Just cope, day by day, and nothing else. But I found that my trick of focusing one major important thing in your life can you cope with the turmoil you mind goes through. Everyday is another day, and you must start it all over again, with the mind covered by that one person you really care, maybe that same one you thought in your darkest moments would be most benefited from your absence from the world, it turns out to be the one you care the most and should be the one you should believe will be the one suffering the most for your death. Try it, it doesn’t cost much…