fuck

looking at my classes for next semester are making me feel fucking sick and disgusted. i hate meeting new people and having to leave the old ones behind. i am no good at people–i don’t understand them and they do not like me very much, not at all. i wish i could be in a high-school system where i’d have to deal with the same kids for a year and then switch; even then, it would be very possible to have a lot of the same people i know in my classes from year to year. in college, it’s definitely a gamble. you’ll probably get to know people in your major a little bit, but even then they could take different electives and shit. i fucking i hate it so much. the suicidal ideation is strong in my tonight and i wish it wasn’t, i don’t want it anymore. another semester of college means more work to be done, more chances of fucking up my GPA, and more people to encounter that will probably end up hating me. i can’t deal with overwhelming social contact. i need repetition and consistency in my life, not a change every 4-5 months. from january to may is the spring semester, and i really am not ready. i didn’t even want the fall semester to be over. i know i am going to be even more depressed than usual next semester, it’s going to fucking hurt. but i don’t really know what else to do with myself at the moment. i just wish i could die in my sleep or something.