My first love, gone….

I have to admit as I write this I’m going to get emotional, it’s only human right? Well let me start off by explaining how I met my first love, I met him in high school we were both 14yrs old I met him in my math class in 2004, he was way out of my league, cause he was shorter than me had long hair and I was more of a popular girl, when I fist layed eyes on him was when I heard him play all of the music I loved..

incubus, foo fighters, weezer, red hot chili peppers, linkin park, hoobastank, I can go on..

i started sending him notes in class and flirting and loved his character and everything about him, he was just so innocent as if he was a shy boy.. Soon enough we started dating and we both found our selfs very much alike, we loved the same music, played soccer, were rebels, and just had so much fun together.

I lost my virginity to him 1 1/2 into our 3 yr relationship cause we were both so innocent we respected each other in every aspect that’s what made our love and bond even stronger throughout the years.

then once… He intoduced me to his best friend they were also neighbors down the street from each other, soon enough my bf, I and his best friend started hanging out on a reg basis we would all 3 go on dates. Movies, skate parks, downtown stores, beach, always the 3 of us. Then I started to notice my boyfriend best friend started hinting me that he liked me, and would call me behind my boyfriends back.

finally I gave in, and started messing around with my boyfriend best friend, and then confessed to boyfriend about the happenings. He was in such denial he ignored it. Later I started finding out my boyfriend started cheating as well during our 2nd yr together things started getting ugly and our trust went down the drain and I quit the affair with his best friend . Our 3rd yr of dating I started to notice such a ugly change in my boyfriend I felt him slipping farther and farther from me, and found out he was with another girl and he left me for good.

He was with the girl he left me for, for 5 years and he had 2 kids with her a boy and a girl. I was devastated and always thought about him, and saw pictures of him on social media with his baby mom and his kids, during those 5 years I accomplished a lot of good things. I finished high school and went to college then graduated, I found out in 2008 that his dad had passed away….

i got sooo drunk that night and cried my eyes out. Cause I knew he was the closest to his father from his 5 siblings. I could only imagine his pain.

in 2010 I get a msg on social media and its my ex boyfriend (my 1st love) sister asking me how I’ve been and I explained to her all my accomplishments  and also how I had an apt and had a roomate and was working and doing very well, I was super anxious to ask her about my ex boyfriend, she started telling me her brother (my 1st love) was doing bad. He started doing drugs with the mother of his kids and said that once their dad passed away he went downhill, and told me he had just got out of jail for violating probation. She quickly asked me if I wanted to stop by and hang out with her, I got so nervous!! And excited! I told her I would call her back to think about it.

i then told my roomate what she thought of the idea and she told me it was not a good idea, I didn’t care I went over that night and saw him again for the 1st time in 5 yrs! I was still deeply in love with him, when I spoke to him that night it felt awkward cause his son was there and I felt like I didn’t belong. So I then promised myself it would never be the same due to his responsibilities as a father, I knew his kids would be his priorities.

we spoke for weeks and hung out, and eventually fell back in love again after 5yrs, we lived with each other within 3 months of talking again.

I began noticing little things, like his dark circles around his eyes, he would draw all night he would sleep a lot during the day, and he would drink very heavily, I then thought to myself “this isn’t the same guy I used to be in love with in high school” and sat down with him to have a serious talk, he denied doing drugs and being an alcoholic, I started noticing the type of friends he had. He had gang affiliated friends and just a lot of negative  crowds around him..

3 years passed and it was now 2013 when we would argue more, I had to literally move from place to place cause everywhere we moved he would cause problems when drunk, or we would both get loud and the police would show up. We would be on dates together and he had to drink almost all the time we went out and when mad he would want to walk away and make me chase him, he had jobs and only lasted weeks, never had steady income.

he wouldn’t care if he saw his kids or not, his kids mother was a junkie and her mom took custody of his kids, so now we had to go thru the grandma to visit the kids.

His meth addiction was to a point were I had to start buying it for he wouldnt do it in the streets and I felt so sad for him, and would ask him If he loved me more than this drug? And why he couldn’t stop? He never had the proper answer, He always denied he was addicted so, I came to a point were I wanted to try it and feel what he felt I tried it 3 times out of our 4yr relationship. And would feel depressed and cried to him on why!! Why is it that he needed this stuff?, and he blamed it on his tattooing, cause he did tattoos on people to make fast $.

finally…  We came to a point were he wanted to just hang out with his friends and gangbang, do beer runs and party. when he would get drunk he would confess to me that he didn’t want to live anymore, that he felt no need for existence, I would quickly stop him and tell him he had me and his kids and mom that loved him and needed him, he would tell me he wanted to be with his (deceased) dad that he loved so much.

he got so in trouble with the law that he went into hiding, he kept wanting to hang out with his boys were his neighborhood was and we would constantly fight when I would work and he would leave, I’d always be worried and sometimes would leave work sobbing in tears cause he wouldn’t answer my phone calls and I was worried and I was always afraid for something bad to happen to him.

So the day comes when it’s nov 21st 2014 my boyfriend woke up and cooked breakfast for me, he would cook often and we would take turns. Cooking for each other, he told me he had a couple of dollars and wanted a haircut so we go to buy some tamales and then head over to his neighborhood were his gang hangs out, so he lies about getting a haircut and parks my car while I wait in the car he goes to the liquor store and buys his friend a beer 40oz I get off cause I need to use the restroom and tell him to hurry cause detectives had been passing by,

his friend told him he had a bottle of vodka and offered him a shot. He drank it after he drunk his beer then we were on our way to my best friends house.. Cause we had planned  the night before to go to the dmv to get her Id for her to buy an Iphone. My boyfriend started arguing with me and started telling me that he was gonna be bored and why the fuck do I bring him along and just very negative about the whole thing, I explained to him to stop arguing and not ruin the day and had told him we had agreed to spend my day off together, we argued and I got tired and told him u know what? We argue way too much I’m really tired of being in this relationship it’s draining and I just rather us take a break and see how we do apart for some time, I’m done we always argue! I’m just tired of all this shit!

and he said….

YOUR BREAKING UP WITH ME?

“fuck this shit”

and jumped out of my car….

I held his bloody head in my arms while he bled uncontrollably and gave him comforting words to try and keep him alive, I told him to please not leave me alone, at least not in that way and situation. I cried and yelled so loud for someone to help!

there was a large crowd surrounding us, but no help, finally the ambulance showed up 15mins later.

he died in 10 days….

dec 1 2014. He was only 25years old, I feel very deeply… He took a part of me with him, I have so many pictures and memories of us as teenagers in love.

no one will ever replace him.

since, I’ve gotten really close to God and pray a lot for forgiveness of our sins and to help me push forward cause at times I feel like giving up… And sit and think about being with him and possibly taking my life too, I miss him so much, I wish things would hAve been differently. Only God knows what he’s doing, and I’m a strong believer that God will heal my broken heart.. Within time.