I yearned for death as a child and adolescent. I hurt myself relentlessly, but could never muster up the courage to actually end it. I’ve escaped the life that was forced on me, the people who hurt me, the person that I was because of it all, but I still find myself anxious for death. I will be driving and have to fight the impulse to let go of the wheel or to jerk it in the direction of oncoming traffic. I will allow myself to close my eyes when I am tired and attempt to fall asleep while I’m still driving. I will imagine someone missing a light or a stop sign and barreling into me. Any time I have an illness or some kind of pain, I will find a part of myself hoping that it’s something terminal. I don’t understand it at all. I am happy and have learned how to love myself, so why am I still obsessed with dying? And I feel so unbearably guilty for it when there are so many people out there who are fighting for their lives. How dare I wish to throw mine away, when they would give anything to have their’s back?
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2 comments
You are the owner of your life. If you want to die, then do it. No one makes us live if we don’t want to. The people fighting for their lives are going to die one day regardless (just like you) so why feel guilty? You have the right to end your life at any point, and the only person who can legitimately judge you is yourself. Peace.
It sounds like some of those hard times kept hidden within you and are looking for a way out. Even if you moved on and years passed you can still continue to suffer PTSD or other problems that resulted from your adolescent years. My guess is that you’ve just endured it all along and never dealt with it. If you can look for therapy or some sort of professional that can help you figure out (and get rid of) whatever that is keeping you from living. Don’t feel guilty tho, the fact that there is people who are doing worse than you doesn’t mean your pain isn’t valid. Pain doesn’t discriminate in anyway so if you’re suffering and struggling, try doing something about it. Best of luck.