I am pretty sure I want to die. But for some reason, or atleast began to notice how everyday my mom genuinely tells me she loves me at the most random times. It feels like those movies where you fall off the cliff, but some hand comes out to hold you up. I’m just hangin in the air now. I just gotta let go so the both of us don’t get hurt. . I am so lost.
I have a friend who is struggling. He’s close to rock bottom but he still takes time out of his life to send me pictures of the places he is. Sometimes it is some view from a garage roof, sometimes it is the Gulf. Yesterday it was this little bird.
I can’t help him. I can’t save him. The hardest thing about friendship is allowing myself to be a friend and not a savior. Not easy. Not for me, I’m a fixer. Funny. A fixer and can’t fix myself.
Still it humbles me to think that he is out there struggling but still takes the time to ask how I am doing and send me pictures. They are always perfect. Even when it is a little brown bird.
Or midnight Marigolds.
He may find his way out of this. He may not. Either way I’ll hold his hand until it is time for me to let go of it. Not a popular opinion or belief. Meeting people where they are and accepting their choices in life is all I can offer.
So here is a little bird.
I’ll never make her happy. She will always hate the man I was. I’m ready to let go now. I’m ready to fade out and just sleep. I can’t do this anymore.
I wish I could tell the people closest to me that I want to end it all.. I wish someone would say: “It’s okay, you can let go.”
I just want to end the pain, the sadness, the constant voice in my head saying that I’m not good enough for anyone or anything.
Last night I was told that nobody will ever love me. I believed that I was destined for love. Now I don’t believe in it anymore.
Does it make me a sinner for wanting to die??
Well hey lovely people of suicide Project. I haven’t been here in awhile if you have noticed if any of you know who I am.
So awhile back I made a post about I Dye my hair. Its my self distraction from self harm. People seemed to like that so I think I’m going to make a journal hopefully everyday or maybe a cpl days or once a week in not sure yet. But I’m here for all of you. I wont judge because everyone needs a friend and you shouldn’t feel alone. So if I make a journal for you guys it’ll be self distractions vs self harm. I’ll so some of my own problems and let you guys know I’m here and your not the only one out there. I don’t care if you think its something time and no one wants to hear you. I want to hear you and I want to help you okay. I’ll be here Just tell me what’s going on ill give the best advice again or just listen if that’s all you want. I promise I’m here for you give me a chance . I love you all even though i don’t know you but we all are on this site for a reason right. I’m nit going to let go to waste. Sorry for this being so long but its worth it and so are you. Yes You! ALL OF YOU AND I LIVE ALL OF YOU.
My name is Ashaia you can call me Shai and ill leave my kik if you want more of a connection thank you for reading lovely ?
love you ??
When the bath’s drawn, the phone’s off, the house is empty… as it always will be… what do you do? When there’s no friend to call, no family in existence, no job to work, no place to attend, tomorrow, nor the next day, nor the day after, no car to drive, no health to live? What then? Cannot one simply slip into oblivion, forevermore? Isn’t that okay now? Finally?
I’m stalling. Why? Is there a man to stampede through the front door, thumping his chest with the almighty courage of one in love, to say, nay! Not tonight! This shall not be! Whisking me away in his arms, hair blown back as he glides us to a safe place where I am questioned, held, comforted, spoken to with unwavering interest and compassion. Telling me no one else interests him, I am his one and only. When my hope wavers, he keeps me strong. Why love, haven’t you ever considered just trying to _____ and _____ to make your life easier? Don’t you know I’ll be here for the ride no matter what? The outcome is irrelevant to me, I just need to be in your life. Yes, that’s right. I need to stay. You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried! You have a real future. Don’t let now get in the way of later. What happened to achieving _____, and ______? I know you can do it. Together, we can do anything. Love will guide us. Tomorrow I will pick you up to go get started. No, you cannot lay on the couch if you feel sick. I care about you and you are getting this shit going immediately. We will go ______ and ______ whether you like it or not, so push whatever feeble plans you’ve made aside, this is your future! God knows that you’ve helped me off my ass enough times. Now it’s my turn. As for tonight, let’s go spend hours making love, this world full of empty quickies is enough to make me pull my own fucking trigger! Then you’re sleeping at my house, and tomorrow I will take you to start your new life. Shh. No, don’t say a word. You have no choice. Let’s go. I’ve got this. We’ve got this. You don’t have to hold yourself up anymore, you brave, brave woman. I will return the favor now, and thus forth. I am your man, your knight, your dream lover, your best friend. I’ve never known what true friendship was about. I’m sorry my old ways made you feel so alone and weak.
Where once I was blind, now I can see. Suddenly all problems seem finite, not one without a solution. Hope is restored. I am not alone, and I never will be. The past is meaningless, the present just fine, the future even better. Alas!
Then I notice the stucco hasn’t moved, those four familiar walls threaten to drown me. I come back to reality, or rather, Hell. No sound but the ringing in my ears, no motion but the candlelight. Finally, my bath calls…
People say that events in the past I should let go
But the sins I have committed they do not know
Many just don’t know my sacrifice
What I had to do to give my Angel paradise
My life was being filled with Darkness
She saved me before I became heartless
But again I lost my way in the dark mist
I almost slipped back into the abyss
She was holding me from falling under
But her cries was louder than thunder
She was holding on to the rope in pain
Seeing her suffer was driving me insane
Wanting to stop her cries
I started to tell her lies
I told her to let go because I can still climb
Telling that lie was my biggest crime
My regret is not about letting her go
But the truth that she will never know
I deceived her into making that decision
Telling her Lies with deadly precision
But now she is in a better place
Not with me which would be a waste
I can’t help it but I am drowning in guilt
Because our last moments I destroyed the trust we built
Rather than equivocating death, I have conceded that death has already bestowed its unrequited love upon me. Simply so, because though I still breathe, and whilst my heart still thumps, the mere essence which makes each of us has perished within me.
It is as if though I’m only being kept alive by a hypothetical respirator and though this hypothetical mechanisations is working tirelessly, what sense is the life that its saving. For that individual can no longer be happy, can no longer assimilate to usual locomotion, all that is left is his bodily mechanisations and, in actuality life has already left his body.
My body, however is too stubborn, too resilient to let go. Those few kindred beings around me who do care about me are likewise of the same order, not wanting to let me go.
I have already parted with my soul, my being and essence, my only hindrance is my body. I adamantly and anxiously await its surrender.
My marriage is ugly.
Divorce is ugly.
Suicide is ugly.
It’s quite a predicament. In my marriage, I am already dead. The pleasure of life is consumed. I really can’t paint a picture of how ridiculously abusive it is.
Suicide would just be an end to the torment. It’s a difficult thing to do. I don’t want “help” or “attention” so I’d have to give it 110%. Holding me back, so many passions. Prospects. Hopes and dreams . It makes me think, if I could let go of it all, I’d be OK in my marriage.
Divorce. Well. That’s just a lot of work. I mean, any guy can jump ship on his family. That’s disgraceful I’d rather die. No, I’d need to find some strength to pull this off. Maybe 2 years ago I could have.
So, I’m giving myself a deadline. Never used that word so literally. Anyways. By first week of June. I need to pull a trigger. Divorce or suicide, either way I’m taking control.
I don’t know why I keep fighting through this shithole called life. Every force, being, and power is pushing against me, hoping to drive my head further into the darkness. The worst part is I am losing. I have to reason to push through to the invisible light at the end of hell; I have lost the traction that helped move my feet forward. I cannot do this anymore. It really is easier to let go of everything, even including yourself.
When I try to get my head around the idea of ending my life, I can’t imagine going through with it. Letting go of all the possibilities of existence. Everything suddenly starts to seem precious. Every moment, every minor positive experience, becomes meaningful. How could I leave a world with such beauty in it? A world containing fluffy clouds on summer days, rolling hills, and a sky full of stars. A world full of music. How could I not hang on for as long as possible, just for the chance of another moment like that?
The problem is maintaining that feeling while interacting with society. You find yourself wanting things beyond your grasp. And they feel like the only possibly meaningful things in existence. So your thoughts become diverted to desperately searching for some way to change what you are, so that you can get what you feel you need. Because what else could matter? But you find no solutions, so eventually your exhausted mind returns to a final solution. You are the problem, so you must be solved – removed from existence.
So you bounce back and forth, between mind states, unable to let go of existence, but also unable to let go of the things you torment yourself with.
I suppose maybe what I need is to find a way to interact with people without caring – without wanting anything from anyone. Then maybe I’ll be free to appreciate the beauty of the world, without my mind always being elsewhere.
First off, I refer to counselors and “Rent-A-Friends”. Someone you pay to pretend to give a shit about you for an hour a week.
The first time I went I was 17, they flat out told me on the 1st visit I was too fucked up for their credentials. This was followed by various suicide attempts. All of which, I feel I sabotaged myself by making reach outs, or just poor planning, or pure coincidence such as a time I OD’d.
Most of my teens and adult life were plagued with severe drug and alcohol abuse.
At the time of meeting my wife, I was heavily into the occult, while she is/was a “Jesus Freak”. I was just out of the ward. So, somehow I suppose I drew her into my dark mysterious mind. Her under the presumption she could help with the power of Jesus. I played along. It’s bullshit. This led to my complete seclusion. No association with “evil doers” no “heathen music” no grotesque or vulgar television. For awhile things smoothed out. I’m clean, sober, decent job etc. But I won’t let go of my I dunno, heathenism? So there’s a huge conflict.
Then my dad died. Something I can’t process. I can’t cope. My employer paid for a grief counselor, again I was abandoned. He didn’t say I was too fucked, he just avoids me.
So, my wife wants me to give up. To Jesus. Where the shoes that don’t fit until they’re comfortable. I can’t do that. I’m not willing. I know nobody can help me unless I help myself. I don’t want to. I just want to close my eyes.
In other news, good read here.
I awake to better days,
And to my distress, they meant nothing at all.
But I’ll let you know that I am doing fine.
Is it okay that I’ll say, you always cross my mind.
The pain I feel isn’t separation from you.
But the sadness of your soul and entity.
Now watch me hide this deep below this sentiment.
I love you.
I loved you.
I’ll let go and go away.
The time is passing you will stay.
I’m moving on if you stay gone.
I’ll let go and drift away.
The love has lost its better days,
I’m holding on if you stay gone.
The pain I feel isn’t separation from you.
But the sadness of your soul and entity.
Now watch me hide this deep below this sentiment.
The gift of life was just a tool to promote, a tool to gloat.
And every word that you said, never meant a thing.
It never meant a thing.
You gave me no reason to fight,
You were taken captive and out of sight.
‘I will fall, you will drown.’
But you didn’t fight.
You have it worse.
I fight with sentiment and love I could never give.
Cause love doesn’t take or demand cause I didn’t have those features at hand.
I don’t understand why I always manage to mess things up i found someone who understands me loved me and was there for me but I sabatage the relationship that there is no coming back this time I can’t for give my self I would rather just disappear it’s almost been a year and time isn’t healing anything how can u let go of a person if u love them
Last week I thought I was starting to get better. I started to let go of my depression, trying to live normally and forgetting about everything that cause my depression. I thought I was doing well. But right now, everything… everything is starting to come back. Everything is starting to fall apart again. Everything is breaking. I’m now being consumed by my depression again and I can’t control it anymore. Maybe I can’t ever be saved from my mental illness. Maybe this is my fate. Maybe life isn’t really for me. And I’ve decided, I’m going to end this fucked up life.
There is so many things stressing me out and i just want to let go and feel that blade against my skin. I want peace of mind for just a couple minutes. The other thing is that my nightmare was that I lost control in front of my dad who knows nothing about me being a cutter and I just grabbed a knife and started cutting myself up. I kept saying this is what you do to me; over and over again. My cousin had to grab me and force my hands to stop. With that nightmare going through my head I’m feeling really frazzled and jittery. The worst part right now is that I’m at work and have to work with knives. What do I do?
I can’t let go of the past. Who I am. What I’ve done. The thoughts I’ve had. The things I’ve seen, and felt. It is me. It’s how I make sense of the world. If I could just wipe the slate clean – go off and be a happy, functional person. But there are reasons why I am where I am. A person can’t exist without a past – an explanation of why they are how they are. Maybe if I got amnesia – or could change my memory somehow. Convince myself that I’m not here because I’m screwed up beyond all belief, but because some tragedy befell me that was in no way my fault. That I’m a positive, happy, confident, upbeat person, with all of the normal life experiences one takes for granted. Go off and be happy.
But even if I could do that, it wouldn’t be me. It would be someone else, using my body. I am my sickness. I’ve been screwed up too long, and now I identify with my neurosis. This is me. And I hate it. And I want it to stop. But I can’t let go. I can’t just forget. It’s not something I can overcome.
So fuck it.
I am sure we all know the stages of grief….
I am having trouble though. I have gone through them all except one.
I just can’t get angry… It won’t come….
I have every right to be furious with K, but that anger just won’t come.
Maybe because I know that once i get angry its done and I am not really ready to let go yet.
I don’t know….I love her still, and no woman will ever replace her