I am pretty sure I want to die. But for some reason, or atleast began to notice how everyday my mom genuinely tells me she loves me at the most random times. It feels like those movies where you fall off the cliff, but some hand comes out to hold you up. I’m just hangin in the air now. I just gotta let go so the both of us don’t get hurt. . I am so lost.
I have a friend who is struggling. He’s close to rock bottom but he still takes time out of his life to send me pictures of the places he is. Sometimes it is some view from a garage roof, sometimes it is the Gulf. Yesterday it was this little bird.
I can’t help him. I can’t save him. The hardest thing about friendship is allowing myself to be a friend and not a savior. Not easy. […]
I’ll never make her happy. She will always hate the man I was. I’m ready to let go now. I’m ready to fade out and just sleep. I can’t do this anymore.
I wish I could tell the people closest to me that I want to end it all.. I wish someone would say: “It’s okay, you can let go.”
I just want to end the pain, the sadness, the constant voice in my head saying that I’m not good enough for anyone or anything.
Last night I was told that nobody will ever love me. I believed that I was destined for love. Now I don’t believe in it anymore.
Does it make me a sinner for wanting to die??
Well hey lovely people of suicide Project. I haven’t been here in awhile if you have noticed if any of you know who I am.
So awhile back I made a post about I Dye my hair. Its my self distraction from self harm. People seemed to like that so I think I’m going to make a journal hopefully everyday or maybe a cpl days or once a week in not sure yet. But I’m here for all of you. I wont judge because everyone needs a friend and you shouldn’t feel alone. So if I make a journal for you guys it’ll be self distractions […]
When the bath’s drawn, the phone’s off, the house is empty… as it always will be… what do you do? When there’s no friend to call, no family in existence, no job to work, no place to attend, tomorrow, nor the next day, nor the day after, no car to drive, no health to live? What then? Cannot one simply slip into oblivion, forevermore? Isn’t that okay now? Finally?
I’m stalling. Why? Is there a man to stampede through the front door, thumping his chest with the almighty courage of one in love, to say, nay! Not tonight! This shall not be! Whisking me away in his arms, hair […]
People say that events in the past I should let go
But the sins I have committed they do not know
Many just don’t know my sacrifice
What I had to do to give my Angel paradise
My life was being filled with Darkness
She saved me before I became heartless
But again I lost my way in the dark mist
I almost slipped back into the abyss
She was holding me from falling under
But her cries was louder than thunder
She was holding on to the rope in pain
Seeing her suffer was driving me insane
Wanting to stop her cries
I started to tell her lies
I told her to let go because I can still […]
As I try to remember the sound of your voice
I can’t help but wonder if we made the right choice
To let go the special bond that we used to have
To say goodbye to times that made us laugh
Now I sit here alone with guilt and regret
Tortured by the past that I cannot forget
Tormented by overwhelming misery
While Looking back at my decisions bitterly
I know we decided to go apart
But doing so shattered my heart
I have been trying to put it back together
But the important pieces are lost forever
Our lives will now never be the same
All this I have myself to blame
Unable to hold on what matters […]
Rather than equivocating death, I have conceded that death has already bestowed its unrequited love upon me. Simply so, because though I still breathe, and whilst my heart still thumps, the mere essence which makes each of us has perished within me.
It is as if though I’m only being kept alive by a hypothetical respirator and though this hypothetical mechanisations is working tirelessly, what sense is the life that its saving. For that individual can no longer be happy, can no longer assimilate to usual locomotion, all that is left is his bodily mechanisations and, in actuality life has already left his body.
My body, however is […]
My marriage is ugly.
Divorce is ugly.
Suicide is ugly.
It’s quite a predicament. In my marriage, I am already dead. The pleasure of life is consumed. I really can’t paint a picture of how ridiculously abusive it is.
Suicide would just be an end to the torment. It’s a difficult thing to do. I don’t want “help” or “attention” so I’d have to give it 110%. Holding me back, so many passions. Prospects. Hopes and dreams . It makes me think, if I could let go of it all, I’d be OK in my marriage.
Divorce. Well. That’s just a lot of work. I mean, any guy can […]
I don’t know why I keep fighting through this shithole called life. Every force, being, and power is pushing against me, hoping to drive my head further into the darkness. The worst part is I am losing. I have to reason to push through to the invisible light at the end of hell; I have lost the traction that helped move my feet forward. I cannot do this anymore. It really is easier to let go of everything, even including yourself.
When I try to get my head around the idea of ending my life, I can’t imagine going through with it. Letting go of all the possibilities of existence. Everything suddenly starts to seem precious. Every moment, every minor positive experience, becomes meaningful. How could I leave a world with such beauty in it? A world containing fluffy clouds on summer days, rolling hills, and a sky full of stars. A world full of music. How could I not hang on for as long as possible, just for the chance of another moment like that?
The problem is maintaining that feeling while interacting with society. You […]
First off, I refer to counselors and “Rent-A-Friends”. Someone you pay to pretend to give a shit about you for an hour a week.
The first time I went I was 17, they flat out told me on the 1st visit I was too fucked up for their credentials. This was followed by various suicide attempts. All of which, I feel I sabotaged myself by making reach outs, or just poor planning, or pure coincidence such as a time I OD’d.
Most of my teens and adult life were plagued with severe drug and alcohol abuse.
At the time of meeting my wife, I […]
I awake to better days,
And to my distress, they meant nothing at all.
But I’ll let you know that I am doing fine.
Is it okay that I’ll say, you always cross my mind.
The pain I feel isn’t separation from you.
But the sadness of your soul and entity.
Now watch me hide this deep below this sentiment.
I love you.
I loved you.
I’ll let go and go away.
The time is passing you will stay.
I’m moving on if you stay gone.
I’ll let go and drift away.
The love has lost its better days,
I’m holding on if you stay gone.
I don’t understand why I always manage to mess things up i found someone who understands me loved me and was there for me but I sabatage the relationship that there is no coming back this time I can’t for give my self I would rather just disappear it’s almost been a year and time isn’t healing anything how can u let go of a person if u love them
Last week I thought I was starting to get better. I started to let go of my depression, trying to live normally and forgetting about everything that cause my depression. I thought I was doing well. But right now, everything… everything is starting to come back. Everything is starting to fall apart again. Everything is breaking. I’m now being consumed by my depression again and I can’t control it anymore. Maybe I can’t ever be saved from my mental illness. Maybe this is my fate. Maybe life isn’t really for me. And I’ve decided, I’m going to end this fucked up life.
There is so many things stressing me out and i just want to let go and feel that blade against my skin. I want peace of mind for just a couple minutes. The other thing is that my nightmare was that I lost control in front of my dad who knows nothing about me being a cutter and I just grabbed a knife and started cutting myself up. I kept saying this is what you do to me; over and over again. My cousin had to grab me and force my hands to stop. With that nightmare going through my head I’m feeling really frazzled […]
I can’t let go of the past. Who I am. What I’ve done. The thoughts I’ve had. The things I’ve seen, and felt. It is me. It’s how I make sense of the world. If I could just wipe the slate clean – go off and be a happy, functional person. But there are reasons why I am where I am. A person can’t exist without a past – an explanation of why they are how they are. Maybe if I got amnesia – or could change my memory somehow. Convince myself that I’m not here because I’m screwed up beyond all belief, but because […]
I am sure we all know the stages of grief….
I am having trouble though. I have gone through them all except one.
I just can’t get angry… It won’t come….
I have every right to be furious with K, but that anger just won’t come.
Maybe because I know that once i get angry its done and I am not really ready to let go yet.
I don’t know….I love her still, and no woman will ever replace her