I hate you so much I want to lock you in my embrace and never let you go.

I remembered laying against your soft naked breast. We cuddled at the Deadly Muppets theme camp for what must have been 6 hours. I didn’t realize how fast the time flew by. The sun rose and I had to leave you. I didn’t even know your name. We just lay against one another for so long. That whole weekend I spent falling in and out of love. It couldn’t have been the drugs or alcohol, but my desperation to find someone to fill that dreaded empty feeling digging deeper and deeper inside of me. I’m so confused. I think I’m gay. I only have these feelings when I’m with other women. I’m not comfortable around men. For the past four years I’ve been madly in love with Shelby(Not her real name). I’m not sure if we ever were together or she was just messing with my head. Shelby liked to torment me with mind games. She knew I was so weak. She was a tortured soul herself. She was always angry about something. Her output was me. I let her scream at me and manipulate me as long as I could make her happy. It made me so happy she she depended on me. I was a very secluded and antisocial girl when I met her. She introduced me to the world of drugs and boys. But I always just wanted her. I did whatever I could to please her. I don’t know how she saw me. I want to say she didn’t love me. But she did, in her own very fucked up little way, she loved me. She teased me all the time, I didn’t think she saw me the way I saw her. She sabotaged my valentines date last year by bursting out with chocolates and a bouquet. Then went with us to the movies which she insisted on paying for. It was strange. She was a strange girl. She was dating this boy simultaneously who abused her and eventually she got pregnant with his child. I took her to the abortion clinic. She was too far along they said. We went home and I didn’t see or hear from her for over a week. I freaked out. I called her and messaged her non-stop. I was so worried. But this was another mind game of hers. She tortured me emotionally. Where am I even going with this story? There’s so much to it. Eventually though, I told Shelby she was my poison; I blocked her on all devices of communication and haven’t spoken to her. I didn’t even wish her happy birthday. Memories of her are so painful. I said such painful things to her many months ago, yet I still can’t get over her. Why? She only causes me pain and suffering. I can’t do this. Nobody takes me seriously. Everybody is so happy and supposedly got their shit together on them damn dating sites. I’m a manically depressed sociopathic asshole who nobody ever takes seriously. Hah, at least I’m honest. Nobody would put that on their page though. Emotional disturbances are like the little surprise gift that comes along in your cereal box that you weren’t expecting to roll into your cereal bowl. I hate the whole “life is great” mask people put on when they message you. Can we just talk about pour problems and be each others therapists? That would be greaaat.