Destined For A Life-long Misery

I don’t remember being happy, ever. Since I was 11 years old I’ve been thinking of running away from my so-called home. When I turned 12 I had my first suicidal thought. Since I turned 15 I’ve been attempting suicide every two years. I am 22 now and I just attempted suicide yesterday, but failed as usual.

It doesn’t change, it never will. My life has been nothing but a series of unfortunate events. I hate myself, I hate my life, but I don’t hate life. I wanna live a life, but not mine.  I wish that one day I open my eyes and look in the mirror to see myself as someone else, someone with a better luck in life.

All my problems are because of “mom”. In a way or another she ruined my life and still is. She’s psychotic, and my dad is the most passive person you can meet on this planet. He sees that his house is a mess, his wife needs to be put in a mental institute, his children are suffering as a consequence, and he does absolutely nothing! He leaves her to do whatever she wants with us or with the house and he has no hand in anything.

Since I was 11 I had to put up with mental, emotional, and physical abuse. It still affects me to this day. I am depressed, severely depressed, and no matter how hard I try to be a normal human being I fail. Eleven years of pain is just too much! And that woman called “mom” is always there to remind me of it.

She was never a mom for me, or for any of my siblings. I hate her guts, I hate her face, I hate what she likes, I hate everything that has to do with her. She always find a way to ruin my day, and my whole life. She’s nuts. She’s a religious nut! When I was a teenager I hated God and religion because of her. But as I grew up I realized that she does NOT represent religion or God. She’s just a crazy delusional person.

I am 22 years old but I can’t leave my parents house, and I am forced to live with them. This is simply because where I live people don’t leave their parents house unless they’re married and can afford to buy a house for their family. The houses are expensive, even rent is. I am a college graduate but I am unemployed. I try to make something out of my life though by taking training courses/professional diploma so I can get a job, and “mom” always tries to put me down and make me feel like a loser who won’t accomplish anything in life.

Now you might say “your parents pay the bills and you have to be thankful for it”. Well, I am. But my dad is the one who pays everything not “mom”. She doesn’t work, she’s a stay-at-home “mom” (a joke, I know). I don’t have a problem living with my dad, at least he doesn’t try to ruin my life every time he gets a chance to. My problem is with that wh0re. Sometimes I think of marrying someone, anyone, and run away with them to a far away country where we can start a family away from my dark past. But I don’t want to marry just to get out of here.

I am tired. I am just tired of fixing my life. Why can’t I just live a normal life?! I don’t want a happy life, because I know that I won’t get, just a normal life.

P.S: When I was attempting suicide yesterday there was not a single reason that came to mind to stop me from taking my life away. That’s just how hopeless and miserable I became.