Wish Someone would put me out of My Misery

Saw my new counselor today, for I think the 3rd time.  She’s nice and all, but I think naïve.  Nothing she says really makes me feel any better.  Next week she says we’re going to work on the grief I’m feeling over the breakup of my marriage.  Sounds like a good plan to me, but I don’t really see myself getting over being dumped after 24 years of marriage.  Taking new anti-depressant but its not helping.  Visiting with my son tomorrow which is good, but in a way he just reminds me how much the ex hates me.  The misery is just a constant now, the only time I feel any peace is when I sleep.  The counselor asked me if I had any plans to harm myself.  I said no which is really only partly true.  The truth is that I’m a big fuckin’ coward.  I’ve made 2 attempts in the past.  The second one would have worked too if I just laid down and went to sleep from the overdose.  Don’t know how many years I have left on this earth, but I sure as hell don’t want to spend them feeling like this.  Feel like such a ***** for not offing myself.  I try to tell myself that my son still needs me, but I think he’d get along okay without me.  He’ll be 18 next month and he knows how miserable and fucked up his father is.  I mostly believe in the afterlife and that I would go to heaven even if my death is by my own hand.  So really, all that keeps me here is cowardice and then that makes me feel even shittier about myself.  If you read this far, thank you.  I’m sorry for being such a downer, just struggling to find any glimmer of hope and believing anyone gives even the slightest shit about me.