So, the “he” from my last update said hi today. Yes, he is in prison & he’s not supposed to have contact with me or the family at all. But he told his mom to tell “the guys” that he said hi. From now on, I shall refer to “him” as James. Of course, for the sake of privacy for both him & his family, that is not his actual name.
Anyways, that one small word made me fucking melt in both good & bad ways. When my mother walked upstairs to inform me of his greeting, my heart just fucking stopped. Every little memory of him went through my mind. I instantly thought of him riding his motorcycle into the driveway at 7 in the morning when he was coming home from work, & me lying in his bed, waiting for him to come upstairs just to fall asleep. I thought of him choking me until I passed out because he got pissed at me for something that wasn’t my fault. I thought of all the good & bad things that ever happened between us, & I wanted to cry. I wanted to just curl up into a ball & fucking cry until I was gasping for air.
Seriously, how do you get over someone? I’m trying so hard but it seems like I’m getting nowhere. I’ve tried dating other people to replace my thoughts with them instead of James; I’ve tried talking to people about it, but they just seem so annoyed with how much I talk about it; I’m scared to get help, too.
I’m scared to get help because
1. I don’t want to be a burden to my mother who would have to pay for therapy, since I’m still a minor.
2. We’re trying to move soon; it’d be a waste to spend what we have saved up to move from this horrible house drenched with memories just for my well-being.
3. I feel like trying to get help would just make it seem like I’m looking for attention. With so many people claiming that they have depression, I’m scared that no one would believe me when I say that I do. Honestly, I don’t even know if I do. I don’t know how I feel. I know that I’m sad, but sometimes I’m happy. And then I get sad again whenever I’m alone.
4. I feel like if I went to a therapist, they’d just get annoyed of hearing the same shit every session. Not only because of me bringing up how sad I am, but because of other people being sad as well. I’m not saying that’s bad! It’s good that they’re getting help; I just don’t want to add on to that.
What do I do?
2 comments
I’m a little confused here. James told his mom to say hi “to the guys” and then your mom came home and told you? That doesn’t make sense to me.
But, regardless, I will try and help with the other questions you ask. First, I don’t know how you get over someone if you truly love them. In my own situation, I am completely and utterly unable to do that. And it’s pushing me to the brink.
As far as your reasons not to get therapy, let me assure you as someone old enough to be your parent, that they are silly. And that is me being polite.
If it is a money issue, being a minor actually makes it easier to get benefits. You might even qualify for free sessions. But definitely for some sort of discount.
If it is that you’re moving soon, then you should still get started now. It will make it easier to transition when you finally move. Your therapist will help you find a new therapist where you are moving to.
If it is that you’re worried about what your therapist will think of you or your condition, you probably don’t understand how it works. Your therapist is not there to judge you or be bored by you. They are there to help you. Yes, they have a tough job, listening to people’s problems all day, every day. But their mission is to help you get better. They may not always succeed, but they always try.
If you don’t feel like you need professional help, then by all means, don’t do it. But if you do feel like you need it, and I think that you do need it, then please make the next step. You are the only one that can.
Thank you. I would like to get help, but it’s just a big step to do. When I was 12, I went into therapy for depression as well, & I stopped going because I felt like it wasn’t working & I felt like a burden to the family. I also recently stopped taking Paxil (10 mg) because it wasn’t doing anything helpful for me. Yes, it made me stop feeling upset, but it also stopped all other emotions. I don’t know if it was just my reaction to the pills in general or if I needed a higher dosage, but I’ve been thinking that I should try a different pill to see if I get any better or if my reactions stay the same.
And since James isn’t allowed to talk to us, we keep in contact with his mother (“we” being my mother & I). He told her to tell us, which he referred to as “the guys” so no one around him would know that he’s talking about us -besides his mom-, that he said hi. I’m sorry if that doesn’t make sense; I’m not the best at explaining things.